Friday, August 26, 2011

Poop makes me ok..

Tonight i think i actually jumped up and down.. While Mackenzie was getting all her nightly routine done, she decided that she would and could finally take a poop. Never would i thought i would be so excited to see her have a bowel movement but for the fact that she hasn't had breastmilk in 2 days, we didnt think she had anything in her to do so.. But the nurse noticed that she made a face like she did and checked her diaper and yep, sure enough.. and then to make it even better, when she went in to change the diaper, Mackenzie decided she wasn't done.. I will spare everyone the great details of her poop, but it was exactly what we wanted and needed.. Hopefully if she continues to have a good night, they will put her back on feeds tomorrow which will do nothing but help her gain some weight which is very much needed.. She has been good on her oxgyen levels all day and that's always a good thing.. She has has a good day, nothing to overdo her today or anything and she just looks so peaceful.. I didnt get to spend as much time today with her as it seemed like i was constantly running around and then Scott is still under the weather but her favorite day RT Mrs. Becky was there today so I knew she was having such a great day and was getting so much love..
Mackenzie playing peek a boo with Mrs. Becky.. Such diva..and she does this quite often on her own cause she does not like the light quite yet..

Everybody keeps asking me "how are you" and "are you ok".. and i know everyone means well and is just concerned but to be honest, it was really irriating to me until today because I just didnt know how to answer that because really what is the meaning of "ok".. I just buried my daughter not even a week ago, my other daughter is still fighting for her life in the NICU and on top of everything i'm having to handle the rest of everything thrown at me. Does ok mean i'm getting out of bed on daily basis, does it' mean that i'm eating regularly, does it mean if i'm getting any sleep, does it mean am i'm crying everyday because of the hurt and pain or am i'm coping ok.. I just dont know what answer to give or what people look for.. I wake up everyday and get out of bed... I spend the first few hours of the morning taking care of the things that we still have to do from Alexis's funeral arrangements, I dont have time to sit and cry because 1) i dont think she allows me to and 2) Mackenzie sure doesn't allow me too.. The rest of my time is spent sitting at the hosptial just being at peace with Mackenzie as that is how I need to be. Yes i get restless when I can't be there and yes I am tired but this is how I'm coping. I'm working on getting better at making time to eat more during the day than just the few inbetween snacks and meals here and there. When you are pumping every 3 hours, sometimes you start to lose track of what you are doing besides pumping and washing.. Not only am I constantly running back and forth especailly the past few days with scott being sick as well, but the hours int he day are just running out..
We have been overwhelmed with soooo much support and I just didnt know how to handle all of it. And to be quite honest, my closest friends know that I really haven't handle it very well.. I'm just not that person that handles support/help very well. Heck even when I had my hosptial stays, i didnt even like bothering my nurses and still tried to do things on my own when i wasn't suppose to..  But today marks a new day for me. When i got to the NICU this afternoon, there was a card there for us from our Blue Iron family here in Columbia.. and it was such a slap in the face but in such a good way. It wasn't a sappy card, it wasn't a sympthay card. It was a straight to the point, in your face card that made me realize how true it was..  On the front it said "We care about you" and the inside reads "Two little thoughts to remember and think about all day through, Everyone cares how youre feeling becaue everyone cares about you"..
 So to everyone who is reading this and has giving so much love and support, Thank you truly from the bottom of my heart. I am able to be ok and i'm going to be ok with everyone's support and love. Without it, poop wouldn't make me as happy as it did today and to feel happy without guilt.

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