We have had such a outpour of cards, letters and fb messages that i dont even know where to begin. Everysingle card etc has touched us and has brought comfort more than we could ever tell anyone. Everyone has addressed how strong and inspirational we have been, but that's hard for me to accept because i've been more scared than anything. I dont take for granted the "good reports" we get daily on mackenzie as we have been in that position before. Every phone call that has the hospitals phone number or a number we dont know, or when we call for our morning/night check ups my heart always skips a beat. The doctors have addressed with me the birth control pills and i dont know what to think or feel but extremely scared. From everything I've been thru just to get pregnant, give birth then lose our little Alexis, I dont know if i could do it all over again. I've always wanted 2 kids at least and I had that and just like that, it got taken away from me. How could i not be scared..
Before we got pregnant and all our friends around us were getting pregnant, they all were hesistant to tell us their good news because they knew we have been trying for a while, but we kept telling everyone that we can not be mad/angry about their good fortune, how could we ever be. Every child is such a blessing regarldess of the suitation.. Some people have told me of how they have lost a child as well and was angry for a while after their loss when they saw others with a newborn etc. And again, how could I ever feel angry at the blessings they get to enjoy out and about.. if anything, it now makes me a little sad because I dont know when or how far off i will get those moments with Mackenzie. I know it will happen in time, but right now I have to go to the store knowing i have a child, but I dont get to share it with her quite yet, and then it hits me that I will never get those moments with Alexis.. Two babies got to "graduate" from the NICU today and even though i yearn for that day, it's going to sadden my heart just as much knowing that I dont physically have both of my girls "graduating" from the NICU. Every moment you cherish and share with a child, we wont get with a Alexis except from the heavens above but we know Mackenzie will give us a run for our money not just on her own but i'm sure with the help with her angel sister above.
Mackenzie had to go back on the ventilator today but that's ok. She lasted a little over 24 hours with the cpap machine and that was more than we could ask for this early on. She has apena (i probably spelled wrong but pretty much where she forgets to breath) so it was wearing her down, and it wasnt helping that she wanted to sleep with her mouth open most of the time so by her doing that, it put more air in her tummy.. So she had to stop feeds again jsut for today to help relieve some of the extra air from her tummy and she is looking so not worn out today.. We are happy she at least tried for as long as she did and all we can do is keep trying. She gained only 10 grams but we will still take that. (they do grams in the NICU- but she still is at 1 lbs 11 oz) Still no bowel movements so maybe hopefully soon.. never thought i would hope for bowel movements..
Scott has to keep reminding me that we gotta stay "strong" for Mackenzie, but for some reason it hit me today ( i guess cause his exhaustion has finally caught up with him and he is home sick) as I sit in the room with Mackenzie by myself, it's not about being strong just for her, but it's about having to continue on not just for her, but for Scott as well as. It's about us 3 doing it together and hanging in there together, all while Alexis leads the way for us.