Sunday, February 23, 2014

Surreal Memories

I started blogging at the very beginning because it was something I could do to stay awake at night while I stayed with the girls at the NICU during the night.. Plus it was a way of keeping vistors down and informed as we just had so much love from so many people.
Then as the devastating news and turn of events of losing Alexis, I took to blogging to find peace of it all. I wasn't able to deal with people nor have I ever been able to really ever show any emotions. As time passed, I eventually took to blogging to give Pumpkin her story and to help those who have always felt alone in this world.. I haven't been doing really good in the past year of keeping up with it the way i would like to have been but life events happens so what can you do.. But I honestly feel even though i think it's so cliche, and i hated it so much whenever everyone said it to me when all happened with the girls and losing Alexis, that whole "everything happens for a reason" outlook.. But i've always believed in signs and today i felt like i got the sign that from here on out regardless of what life keeps throwing at me. Just keep writing.. It's no longer my story...It will forever be Pumpkin's story and journey...
Most are aware, but to those who dont really know me, I grew up without my mom. She left when i was two and I never knew who she was till I was about 14-16.. Somewhere around there.. I dont think i saw my first picture of her till i was probably around 10 or so, nor did i have any clue as to where she was.. My dad, nor really anyone else that i can recall ever spoke of my mom...heck to be honest, i dont have a lot from my past. I have maybe a total of 5 baby pictures from my life and that's about the gist of my "history" The only image i ever rememberd of my mother, which for the longest time, i always thought was just a dream but come to find out.. It was actually reality.. Kind of all just became so surreal to me today.. (ill get there shortly) My only image was my mom sticking me and my sister on a airplane with only one black trash bag of our stuff.. And that was it.. For the longest time i never had a clear face.. You know when you dream, that person who is so deseperatly sought always has the fuzzy face, yep that was my mom..
 My best friend mom always made up my "mom" and all the ladies at the church made up my "grandmothers" and that was for the most part ok for me.. Yeah it still sucked but hey, you dont get to choose your parents and the events that happen so you deal with it ya know as most kids can only do.. I think really and truly, this is why i am the mother that i am today and will always be. i will never miss out on any of Pumpkins first, i will always be that annoying school mom for as long as she will have me, just being a mom and being there for her I will always bust my ass to do because 1)that's what she deserves and 2) that's what being a mom and parent is all about..
So rewind almost 33 years back.. I think ive touched base on my church quite a bit.. Mt.Hebron UMC.. Well they sponsered our family to come to the United States just when i was 3 weeks old. (Sponsered meaning they rasied money, put us in housing, helped up learn english and provided us with all that we needed to survive in a whole new country) Our church family was our lifeline to better living and a new life. Without them, we knows where my life would be right now.. We could have probably never came to the States.. So as we came to the States, we not only got a new start but a new family and i got "grandmothers'. I had lots of them from the church but the ones who were always so constant was my grandmother helen and grandmother charlotte.
So not to type on and on as i know i can, my grandma charlotte always wrote.. And i thought she wrote a "book" but again, i was so young i never knew for sure. She passed away about 10 plus years ago and it's hard to know it's been that long.. Well today at church, another lady who has a impact in my life, Mrs. Neely,stopped me in hallway and handed me a book. She told me that my dad should probably have this or does have it but i've never saw it nor knew what it was.. But it turned out to be a short book (kind of reminded me of my blog pages book that i printed out for Pumpkin) that my grandma charlotte wrote back in 1994, and each chapter was  each decade from the 40's. Needless to say, the 80's, there it was, my "past" summed up in to 10-20 pages..She told me she went through it and marked the pages where it talked about my family and thought that I would like to have it. I didnt look at it till i got home as me and pumpkin did our sunday ritual of going and sitting with Alexis.. But once i got home, got pumpkin fed, i sat down and flipped the pages to the post it notes ripped out and marked for me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.
there it was, the story of when/how/why my mother left us 31 years ago.. followed by the story of the plane ride, with a black trash bag with not only me and my sister, but also my dad and my grandma charlotte.. I've read it over and over today..I've really never told anyone my "dream" of the plane ride and here is this book in my hand from 1994.. I finally have a little piece of me and who i am  and what makes up my "past".. It actually felt like i actually had a piece of the puzzle to my life that i never knew existed.. It was just a feeling that its' so indescrible..
So i thought i was gonna only print the first 6 months of my blog.. which i've already done..but to know now.. this will and could be printed for pumpkin to always have.. that makes me putting it all out there for her even so much more worth it to show her, that life isn't just about the surrreal moments but its the life that i have and will continue to give her for as long as i'm able to...

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lets try this again..

Hard to believe how long it's been since my last post.. To know it's almost a year is a crazy.. I really needed to take some much needed time to myself and I know I said that before but this time it really hit.. Life changing events have happened that I don't care to dwell on for now but in time.. Life hasn't let me off this ride but its ok.. I just keep taking the turns that's keep me going through it.. Its like navigating without gps and with no final destination .. So lots to probably catch up on... So here goes..

Well lets see.. I think biggest thing.. Pumpkin started school this past august.. Yes, my baby is in a two year old half day school at our church.. Hard to believe.. It was harder for me last week to know that I just registered her for 3 year preschool.. Yes everyone.. can you believe.. that little diva is going to be 3.. omg..
Pumpkins first day of school with her sissy..
She has totally loved school for the most part.. It was a little too much the first week but she has the hang of it now.. I have been so excited to do things for the class like little goodies bags etc and what not for all their parties.. That's been a huge thing for me as i never got that when i was little ya know growing up without a mom and my dad sure wasn't going to do anything like that.. I love every aspect of being a "school mom." I really wanted and tried to be a part of everything at the school and volunteered when I could but it was quickly learned that Pumpkin will not participate when i'm there. She just wants mommy and gets mad if I tend to anyone else. I don't want her to miss a single thing so I settle for pictures and letters home.. I have a box at home and every week they send home everything they have done that week and I want to keep everything.. even the bad notes little diva gets.. lordy that child..
Pumpkins first ever school picture.. Yes totally melted my heart..
So lets see, what else.. Pumpkin started speech as well.. We do it every Monday with Erin from Chatter Kids and she is such a huge part of lives right now.. We look forward to seeing her Monday mornings and she has just been amazing.. Pumpkin is still diva and mainly talks when she wants to.. but we are getting there.. In the process of doing speech, Erin and I just realized that she still wasn't quite where she needed to be and started sucking in her air when she started speaking so we started looking into what else it could be.. So off to Dr. Cope we went.. And can you believe.. we have gone months without seeing him. It's so weird going from our every 4-6 weeks to months now.. Well needless to say, he referred us to a ENT and we found out Pumpkin had to get tubes. You know how this mommy is super nervous about surgery so needless to say i was quite uneasy about the whole process but a lot of my friends kept reassuring me and what not but still.. So Pumpkin had the surgery this past dec. Dr. Giles came back after surgery and told us it was actually worse than he thought. He couldn't understand how she could hear if she could (she never led me to believe she couldn't) because she had a whole bunch of fluid in her ears and apparently due to the all the fluid it caused her ear drum to rupture and reheal. It was really quick and simple and she bounced back pretty quick.. Everyone said that i would have noticed a huge difference shortly after but not so much for us.. Although the coolest thing was that you could tell Pumpkin was finally hearing things it seemed like for the first time as when i would turn something on or what not.. She had this look on her face, that was just like wow..
Right now we go for follow up every 4-6 months and so far so good.. We saw Dr. Cheeseman as well this past nov. He told us Pumpkin didn't need glasses anymore for now which is good as she wasn't wearing them anyways. heck they barely made it to her head except for the first 2 weeks. Overall she is doing good with that. He still said her right eye was still weak so we tried drops to keep her eye dilated since she was ripping off the patch.. The drops didn't last much longer either as of course once you start school/daycare.. Germ city.. so needless to say, we got sick over the holidays and i didnt want to add too much more on her..Also as well..her eyes were draining really bad to the point she couldn't open her eyes in the morning without me washing her face.. So of course you know me, I made a appt with Dr. Cope and Dr. Cheeseman because when I stopped the drops, there was no drainage so you know i had to cover every angle. Dr. Cope said she could have allergies but hard to say but still see what Dr. Cheesmen said .. So often to MUSC me, my dad and pumpkin went.. Dr.Cheeseman said its rare for the drops to do that but every kid is different so back to patching we go.. and follow up in April.
Wow its kind of hard trying to sum up some 6 months but I know in time i will finally be all caught up..
As for me.. OVERALL.. im doing really good.. It's been an amazing few months even with life changing events.. But it's been good to find a new peace.. Boy has it been good.. I started a new therapist and that has been going really good.. Everything just seems to be falling into line finally for the most part.. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2014 holds for Pumpkin and I.. I can only imagine.. But I promise to do better now at getting back to blogging. I've missed it and the world that it has giving me.. so just stay tuned as always.. Hard to believe that in just 5 short months.. Its been 3 years.. just wow.. wow.. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013


Its hard sitting here and realzing that in just 2 days my little girls are going to be 2 years old.. Where has time gone but then again, will time ever make this feeling ever fade away.. It truly feels like yesterday I was just at the doctors office for my 24 week 5 day check up and thats where we got the first words that everything wasn't looking to good. That was the last time things felt "normal" and "ok" and from that moment on is when my world changed forever. From the doctors, I went straight to the hospital to be put on immediate bedrest. Boy was that not fun but i survived my first 24 hours.. Next 24 didnt go so well. Cerclage happened, Pumpkins sac got broken, puliminary ademina and next 24 hours there are my beautiful precious angels.. It still semi saddens me that I'm only able to tell the story up till Pumpkin was born but after she came, i had to be put under and didnt wake for many hours later. I know i didnt miss the girls first cry as they were so tiny and couldn't cry yet so although I never got to hear Alexis, I think pumpkin was loud enough and does enough for the both of them.
Alot has come full circle in two years and I dont think i'm quite off the ride yet.. But then  again I'm beginning to see and realized, I dont think anyone ever gets off the ride.. You just continue to wait in line for your turn to come and when it doesn't you better make sure you are strapped in as no one has no clue what to expect how ever many times you think you have rode the ride.
We celebrated the girls birthday this past saturday and boy ole boy did Pumpkin have a blast. We did it at the little gym in lexington and at first we were a little hesistant wondering if she was too small  but boy does she prove that size does not matter at all.. (Picutres to come at a later point. have to get them all loaded in) Pumpkin started tumbling right around when she started walking and just got the biggest kick out of and in order for this mommy to keep her birthday party small this year (i'm trying to only go big every 5 years, it i dont then lordy ill need like 5 jobs) so i had to pick a place that would do everything and they limited me on a kids count which was super hard, thus the little gym... Pumpkin was so awesome. She actually listened to everything the instructors said. She boogied more than anything which was such the cutest thing ever.. She has this things where she just starts shaking her hiney and throwing her arms around.. I think she got it from Pocoyo which is one of her favorite shows as her dance kind of resemebles that.. But she just rocked it out everytime the music came on. She had a great turn out as we had 16 kids wasn't crazy chaotic but super fun..
For her actual birthday we will be at the beach which at this moment I'm not doing to well with. My mind has just been all over the place and I wasn't even thinking when i booked it that we actually wont be in town for the girls actual birthday.. That means i'm not going to be here to visit with Alexis and have Pumpkin in my arms at the same time at their birthday time.. And i know, to those who are reading this, they are probably saying "but she is in your heart", it is so different for me.. its not just losing "someone", it's losing half of another person.. On July 30 of every single year, I will always know on this date, I gave life to TWO beautiful little girls but yet I will only ever hold one on this day. That's a hard pill to swallow.. It such bittersweet and who knows maybe time will change but until then.. this is it for me.. We will be about 3 hours out of columbia and I'm trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that Pumpkin shouldn't have to endure a total of 6 hours in the car just for me. She needs to enjoy her day just as well... I've tried preparing myself over the past few weeks to be ok with not being here tuesday by not visiting every sunday like I have been and although hard, tomorrow still comes and that's just what i gotta keep believing in.. These days.. I need something to believe in..

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Anger well written..

The link above, please click on and read..I had to share/repost because the past few months for me has been a huge struggle/journey..A lot has happened that has just filled me with so much anger and this article just sums up so much..
It angers and saddens me with so many people over the last 9 months to the point where i just want to tell them to "burn in hell".. But I believe everyone's karma will have their day, just not soon enough for me.
Oh yes I have a lot of anger because still trying to deal with everything I get more bs added to my plate and people actually had the odasity to judge me and "label me".. 
I knew I wasn't alone in life on this journey , just sad those who i thought should have been there to back me, only stabbed me in the back with a jagged knife..

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Grandpa "shoes"

Growing up I never had like a true "grandparent" relationship. I never  met my moms parents and I never had the chance to meet my dad's dad as he passed quite a few years ago. My dad's mom lived in Paris and I met her like 3 times but I couldn't speak to her because she spoke French and some days I feel lucky to just get English right.. :0) So needless to say we never got that whole concept of being "spoiled by your grandparents". I had lots of grandmothers as the church who sponsored us to the USA had some amazing ladies that helped us throughout the years and we did get to partake in some things with them. We even got to go to Disney world when I think I was like 6 or 8..
So for the most part as all of my friends grew up with "grandparents" etc, I never really grasped what that meant and what grandparents love truly is...
So since I never got around to do this sooner after I started blogging back.. I wanted to post (and you will see how all of this will tie into the story).. I have to announce.. HUGE milestone...

 She started trying to get the hang of it back in Dec. and then one day my friend Tina came and brought the kids to come and have lunch with me and just like that as she saw the other kids running, she wanted to be all bold and take her few steps.. from there she just took off with it.. It was the craziest thing.. I feel like she just started crawling and now she is walking and now she is really good at climbing as she throws her leg up and pushes up.. Needless to say she spends a lot of time in the bay window in the kitchen. (Still working on the whole "how to get down" part but she is doing really good and turning around and finding her footing. )
So now that she started walking, we come to the shoe part... of course as diva as my child is, just like how she doesn't like anything on her head, she just as much doesn't like anything on her feet. but we still had to put her in shoes.. Oh my goodness, Pumpkin acted like she didnt have legs when you put shoes on her. She thought it was the end of the world. She wouldn't move, she wouldn't put her feet down if you were holding her.. she just wasn't having it..

It was just the end of the world.. She couldn't move..
So back to the whole grandparent love.. I never realized having that "grandparent" love, also came with the "I was right, i told you so" parent love handed down. My dad is the only grandparent that lives near us as Scott's mom is in NC and that's about a 4 hour drive so we dont get to see her as much. But my dad will try to come over about every weekend or every other.. The slight mention of Pumpkin needed something, boom, ill have like a pallet of it when he comes and visits. Fort he longest time he wouldn't hold her or even touched her, he was afraid he was going to hurt or something. But lordy now, they are like two peas in a pod when they get together. So of course when my dad calls about everyday only to ask how Mackenzie is doing (I no longer exist apparently) I try to keep him up to date on what's going on.. And then I wait for all of his "fatherly advice" as i know he is going to tell me.. Needless to say I didnt want to keep spending money on shoes that she wasn't going to wear so I researched and found that Stride Rites are really good..$40 later.. yep still not having it..
Oh But grandpa comes overs and brings a pair of white sandals from walmart, $11.. and look who acts like she can move in shoes now..

Of course after a walk down the road, I get to hear how I was doing it all wrong and what I need to do .. but i guess Ill take it because at least now for the most part she will wear shoes without thinking its the end of the world. Now i gotta see if grandpa can work on the whole bow thing.. 



Thursday, May 30, 2013

In Just 2 Months..

I just had to post this one as well real quick.. But can you guys believe that just 2 months from TODAY..

The girls are going to be T-W-O.. Omg.. I can't believe I just said that.. I feel like i'm not done celebrating them turning 1.. but now 2.. just crazy..

Her 1st Birthday... wowow

Mother's Day..

Thanks guys for the comments and love/support.. And no Jackie you heard right. 9 year old and 18 year old.. Shoot me a email if have free time and I will explain more.. ( just put a subject so that I don't overlook it. I just prefer not to put it on here as for reasons I just choose to not put out there.. But just to clarify.. no they were not mine.. And yes, I seeked out therapy on my own. Although I have abundance amount of support from friends that I can reach out too, it was just different to reach out to someone who never met me, to tell my story, and to feel the clarity that it's ok, that i'm ok.. And for those of you who are hesitant with therapy, do know it's PEFECTLY ok to not like one.. There are tons out there so don't give up if you have a bad experience with one of them. I'm not going to the original one I started with but I picked up and found another one and so far so good.

So hard to believe I just celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day. It really felt like my first Mother's Day as for those who remember, Scott's Dad passed away the day before mother's day last year. So I never got my "first mothers day" or mothers day last year.. And I know I dont need a day to remind me of the Mother I am and the mother i will continue to be.. but I really dont think there is a single new first time mother out there that can really  deny their first mother day as the same as the rest of them.. At least for me.. although I knew I was a mother its just different because that first one marks the day when you start getting the "mommy day cards", the hand and footprint stuff without having to do it yourself, the breakfast in bed delivered by the kid(s). Its the start of the tradition that will go on for as long as the kids will have it ya know.
It was bittersweet this year as the date also symbolized the one year anniversary of us losing Mr. Barber.. The hussle and bussle of the days (my birthday was is two weeks prior to mothers day so he has double duty) leading up kept Scott busy so I don't think he actually thought about it till I brought it up..
The girls (a.k.a Scott) got me a frame that had Pumpkins hand print in it and the picture of her touching her shadow in the wall. I've been wanting to get that framed for quite some time and now it's in a frame with Pumpkins actual hand print.. I couldn't love it more.. It was a perfect gift for the occasion and all I wanted.. I love all the things that over time will display how much she is grown.. To see her little hands and feet from where she started.. I'll never get tired of that.. The day we just kind of spent hanging out... And be prepared to melt when you scroll down as we got pictures done as well for Mommy's day.. Pumpkin of course hates pictures but I guess considering I have about 1700 of them in my phone mainly of her I guess so.. heheeh.. but for the most part she did good.. Still cant' get that little stinker to wear a bow.. I guess I should be happy she wore a dress for me that day.. Its crazy to believe that she is already telling me what she will and will not wear.. when she doesn't like it, she will tug at it and do her little fake cry and pout and try to pull it over her head.. She is a diva i'm telling you.
We went and sat with Mr. Barber that evening.. We don't get to get out there much to see him as its a good 20-30 min drive from our house but we do at least about every other month.. It was very hard to believe that from the last time we saw him till mothers day which was really only about 2 months how many more headstones went up. We literally walked right past him because he was for a while towards the end of the row and now there are literally about 5-8 rows that have been added.  Still hard to believe he is gone but it's comforting to know that he is up there with Alexis giving her a grandpa while my dad is still here with us giving Pumpkin a grandpa on earth and boy is she coming into her own with grandpa.. (story about that one hopefully soon)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!!!