Thanks guys for the comments and love/support.. And no Jackie you heard right. 9 year old and 18 year old.. Shoot me a email if have free time and I will explain more.. (email@example.com) just put a subject so that I don't overlook it. I just prefer not to put it on here as for reasons I just choose to not put out there.. But just to clarify.. no they were not mine.. And yes, I seeked out therapy on my own. Although I have abundance amount of support from friends that I can reach out too, it was just different to reach out to someone who never met me, to tell my story, and to feel the clarity that it's ok, that i'm ok.. And for those of you who are hesitant with therapy, do know it's PEFECTLY ok to not like one.. There are tons out there so don't give up if you have a bad experience with one of them. I'm not going to the original one I started with but I picked up and found another one and so far so good.
So hard to believe I just celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day. It really felt like my first Mother's Day as for those who remember, Scott's Dad passed away the day before mother's day last year. So I never got my "first mothers day" or mothers day last year.. And I know I dont need a day to remind me of the Mother I am and the mother i will continue to be.. but I really dont think there is a single new first time mother out there that can really deny their first mother day as the same as the rest of them.. At least for me.. although I knew I was a mother its just different because that first one marks the day when you start getting the "mommy day cards", the hand and footprint stuff without having to do it yourself, the breakfast in bed delivered by the kid(s). Its the start of the tradition that will go on for as long as the kids will have it ya know.
It was bittersweet this year as the date also symbolized the one year anniversary of us losing Mr. Barber.. The hussle and bussle of the days (my birthday was is two weeks prior to mothers day so he has double duty) leading up kept Scott busy so I don't think he actually thought about it till I brought it up..
The girls (a.k.a Scott) got me a frame that had Pumpkins hand print in it and the picture of her touching her shadow in the wall. I've been wanting to get that framed for quite some time and now it's in a frame with Pumpkins actual hand print.. I couldn't love it more.. It was a perfect gift for the occasion and all I wanted.. I love all the things that over time will display how much she is grown.. To see her little hands and feet from where she started.. I'll never get tired of that.. The day we just kind of spent hanging out... And be prepared to melt when you scroll down as we got pictures done as well for Mommy's day.. Pumpkin of course hates pictures but I guess considering I have about 1700 of them in my phone mainly of her I guess so.. heheeh.. but for the most part she did good.. Still cant' get that little stinker to wear a bow.. I guess I should be happy she wore a dress for me that day.. Its crazy to believe that she is already telling me what she will and will not wear.. when she doesn't like it, she will tug at it and do her little fake cry and pout and try to pull it over her head.. She is a diva i'm telling you.
We went and sat with Mr. Barber that evening.. We don't get to get out there much to see him as its a good 20-30 min drive from our house but we do at least about every other month.. It was very hard to believe that from the last time we saw him till mothers day which was really only about 2 months how many more headstones went up. We literally walked right past him because he was for a while towards the end of the row and now there are literally about 5-8 rows that have been added. Still hard to believe he is gone but it's comforting to know that he is up there with Alexis giving her a grandpa while my dad is still here with us giving Pumpkin a grandpa on earth and boy is she coming into her own with grandpa.. (story about that one hopefully soon)
Jackie- You got me blogging again for the most part. A lot of my friends and fb followers kept asking me when I was going to blog again and then friends of friends who I haven't met before asked about blog so when you finally wrote (and we have never met before-or not that I recall at least), I was like ok.. I really do have people who still want to know so that got me kick started again so thank you.. (you know I still cant' figure out how to comment so that's why ill do it in my blog.. heheh)
As I realize each passing day that my blog does get read and it amazes me on so many levels that i'm forever grateful to you readers and as long as it makes a difference in just one persons life, well that's good enough for me then ya know. So here's to this blog because it blew my mind...
I ran into a friend over the weekend who I haven't seen in a while because for the most part with people over the past few months, I just went off the grid for a little bit. I really needed to regroup and there were just some people who over time I started to see their true colors. So really I was just in touch for the most part with my true closest friends until each day passed and I'm slowly coming into my own which is so out of form for me to even go out of my norm.. But as most didn't understand, I truly changed as a person. I changed when I went through IVF, I changed once I gave birth, I changed when I endure NICU life, I changed when I lost Alexis and to where I'm at this day, I changed into the best mom I know how to be for Mackenzie and for as long as that little girl is with me, nothing will ever change that.
I've been such this person for so long who for the most part before the girls, I had my crap together. I could do a million things at once and not slow down and it be ok. I always vocally put everyone first as well as their task that they needed help.. I can't recall one single person that really can't say that I haven't been there for them in one phone call regardless of where I was at in life for them. I took care of everything and valued the things that I did or represented because my name was on it.. I always took things on knowing how busy I already was but it was hard for me to say no to do things.. That was just me. I needed to stay busy..
Well then the girls came along. My world got flipped upside down in a matters of minutes. It was quite the ride and it still is.. But I started realize as each day passed in the NICU, I wasn't attending anything, everyone gave me my space I needed for the most part, I settled into what would be my norm for 108 days..I didn't care to be as connected to everyone and everything like I use to.. Blogging helped because it reached everyone in one sitting and that was good enough for me.. Then Pumpkin came home and that was my life for the next month and half.. Still no "outsiders" as we settled in to being a family and pumpkin immune system wasn't built up quite yet so we didn't allow anyone to really visit.. I stayed home for the rest of the year which was only about a month and half of pumpkin coming home and returned to work in Jan. And that's the days to where "LIFE" really started happening.
I began to start learning to say no.. I'm not quite as bad as I use to be about taking on things but I find myself saying no more. I'm finally allowing myself to ask for help and accepting it which those who know me know how hard that is for me. Hell I even started seeing on a therapist on my own.. The only medication I've taken or have needed is just my anti anxiety as I've had to leave pumpkin for the first few times and for the other things that have transpired in my life in the past few months and ambien to help me sleep when I need it most but all of these have been by choice.. Not because some (non doctors/therapist included )perspective feel it's needed and they are only taken by choice. Because why? Because this is still MY life and I still plan to be in control of it. My "life" wasn't my "life".. It was my girls.. I didn't change because of them, I changed for them and they changed me and made me a mom and that is what I owed to them.. A mom.. The woman who will do whatever it takes to meet their needs, to stand by them and be strong, to not let emotion consume them when life gets hard even if that meant only a few hours of sleep, to provide whatever necessary that they needed.. The person to show them the way, to guide them through life until it was time for them to do on their own.. Being a parent isn't about what you want to do anymore or what you use to do all the time.. it's about creating new moments/traditions as a grown up to a little person who at some point your actions are going to effect them in the decision they make for their own lives.
Before the girls came along, I really never knew what that meant with all my other friends who had kids and to me it just seemed like they had no time for the old ways anymore.. and now actually having the girls, I realize it's not about having time for the "old ways", it's about enjoying and cherishing every minute of what your kid does because before you know it, you go from almost losing them to them being 2 in just a matter of a blink of a eye.. The things that use to be important to you are no long as important anymore because if you can't do it with your kids then how can it be important if you exclude them.. Its about making "new ways" for the next chapter in your life because your book of life doesn't end until you go through the pearly gates above.
So to those of you who have "questioned" my "mental state" and have "judged/diagnosed" my "mental state" on your own, GO SCREW YOURSELF.. I don't need you to understand nor did I ever ask you too.. It's no different than any other situation in life, until you experience it on your own, then you have no clue. I would love for you to walk into my shoes.. hell you probably couldn't even last in my shadow.. To experience the last 2 years that I have and for the most part, there are only a few of you guys who have seen me truly "crack".. I have yet to label myself as a "victim".. I ask why to myself yes everyday but I don't seek pity as others do in situations. I put my life out there to not only help me understand but I'm beginning to find out also that the things I have said or done or have experienced, i'm not the only one going through it.. I'm just able to be vocal about it when others are not.. So Forgive me if I can't tell my story of my girls without being emotional. Forgive me if I look so tired and ask for a break considering I went from having no kids to having a newborn, a 9 year old and a 18 year old... Forgive me if I can't be at 10 places at one time because I had to be there for a dying father-in-law and all the stuff that came from that.. Forgive me if I ask to much of my spouse of not allowing him to go and enjoy himself when I can't even take a shower.. Forgive me having to be at every doctors appointment for my child and picking up every single prescription and running out of time at work.. Forgive me for just taking care of my daughter and putting her first.. Forgive me for doing all this while still not processing the loss of my other daughter and everything that came along with this pregnancy.. Forgive me for standing on my own two feet and still going through all my personal struggles while still giving my girls the best damn mother they deserve without even checking out for a second.. I may not be the person who some knew me before hand but Ill be damn if I change the person who I am now for others beside my kids because the last time I checked, I'm proud of the person who I am and all that I still overcame.. Life has yet to break me for the most part even though it's trying really really hard.. but I have that little girl that laughs at me and smiles when I pick her up and gets so excited to see me and just does something new every day that just makes me say "thank you".. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life.. Thank you for choosing me..