Sunday, February 23, 2014

Surreal Memories

I started blogging at the very beginning because it was something I could do to stay awake at night while I stayed with the girls at the NICU during the night.. Plus it was a way of keeping vistors down and informed as we just had so much love from so many people.
Then as the devastating news and turn of events of losing Alexis, I took to blogging to find peace of it all. I wasn't able to deal with people nor have I ever been able to really ever show any emotions. As time passed, I eventually took to blogging to give Pumpkin her story and to help those who have always felt alone in this world.. I haven't been doing really good in the past year of keeping up with it the way i would like to have been but life events happens so what can you do.. But I honestly feel even though i think it's so cliche, and i hated it so much whenever everyone said it to me when all happened with the girls and losing Alexis, that whole "everything happens for a reason" outlook.. But i've always believed in signs and today i felt like i got the sign that from here on out regardless of what life keeps throwing at me. Just keep writing.. It's no longer my story...It will forever be Pumpkin's story and journey...
Most are aware, but to those who dont really know me, I grew up without my mom. She left when i was two and I never knew who she was till I was about 14-16.. Somewhere around there.. I dont think i saw my first picture of her till i was probably around 10 or so, nor did i have any clue as to where she was.. My dad, nor really anyone else that i can recall ever spoke of my mom...heck to be honest, i dont have a lot from my past. I have maybe a total of 5 baby pictures from my life and that's about the gist of my "history" The only image i ever rememberd of my mother, which for the longest time, i always thought was just a dream but come to find out.. It was actually reality.. Kind of all just became so surreal to me today.. (ill get there shortly) My only image was my mom sticking me and my sister on a airplane with only one black trash bag of our stuff.. And that was it.. For the longest time i never had a clear face.. You know when you dream, that person who is so deseperatly sought always has the fuzzy face, yep that was my mom..
 My best friend mom always made up my "mom" and all the ladies at the church made up my "grandmothers" and that was for the most part ok for me.. Yeah it still sucked but hey, you dont get to choose your parents and the events that happen so you deal with it ya know as most kids can only do.. I think really and truly, this is why i am the mother that i am today and will always be. i will never miss out on any of Pumpkins first, i will always be that annoying school mom for as long as she will have me, just being a mom and being there for her I will always bust my ass to do because 1)that's what she deserves and 2) that's what being a mom and parent is all about..
So rewind almost 33 years back.. I think ive touched base on my church quite a bit.. Mt.Hebron UMC.. Well they sponsered our family to come to the United States just when i was 3 weeks old. (Sponsered meaning they rasied money, put us in housing, helped up learn english and provided us with all that we needed to survive in a whole new country) Our church family was our lifeline to better living and a new life. Without them, we knows where my life would be right now.. We could have probably never came to the States.. So as we came to the States, we not only got a new start but a new family and i got "grandmothers'. I had lots of them from the church but the ones who were always so constant was my grandmother helen and grandmother charlotte.
So not to type on and on as i know i can, my grandma charlotte always wrote.. And i thought she wrote a "book" but again, i was so young i never knew for sure. She passed away about 10 plus years ago and it's hard to know it's been that long.. Well today at church, another lady who has a impact in my life, Mrs. Neely,stopped me in hallway and handed me a book. She told me that my dad should probably have this or does have it but i've never saw it nor knew what it was.. But it turned out to be a short book (kind of reminded me of my blog pages book that i printed out for Pumpkin) that my grandma charlotte wrote back in 1994, and each chapter was  each decade from the 40's. Needless to say, the 80's, there it was, my "past" summed up in to 10-20 pages..She told me she went through it and marked the pages where it talked about my family and thought that I would like to have it. I didnt look at it till i got home as me and pumpkin did our sunday ritual of going and sitting with Alexis.. But once i got home, got pumpkin fed, i sat down and flipped the pages to the post it notes ripped out and marked for me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.
there it was, the story of when/how/why my mother left us 31 years ago.. followed by the story of the plane ride, with a black trash bag with not only me and my sister, but also my dad and my grandma charlotte.. I've read it over and over today..I've really never told anyone my "dream" of the plane ride and here is this book in my hand from 1994.. I finally have a little piece of me and who i am  and what makes up my "past".. It actually felt like i actually had a piece of the puzzle to my life that i never knew existed.. It was just a feeling that its' so indescrible..
So i thought i was gonna only print the first 6 months of my blog.. which i've already done..but to know now.. this will and could be printed for pumpkin to always have.. that makes me putting it all out there for her even so much more worth it to show her, that life isn't just about the surrreal moments but its the life that i have and will continue to give her for as long as i'm able to...

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lets try this again..

Hard to believe how long it's been since my last post.. To know it's almost a year is a crazy.. I really needed to take some much needed time to myself and I know I said that before but this time it really hit.. Life changing events have happened that I don't care to dwell on for now but in time.. Life hasn't let me off this ride but its ok.. I just keep taking the turns that's keep me going through it.. Its like navigating without gps and with no final destination .. So lots to probably catch up on... So here goes..

Well lets see.. I think biggest thing.. Pumpkin started school this past august.. Yes, my baby is in a two year old half day school at our church.. Hard to believe.. It was harder for me last week to know that I just registered her for 3 year preschool.. Yes everyone.. can you believe.. that little diva is going to be 3.. omg..
Pumpkins first day of school with her sissy..
She has totally loved school for the most part.. It was a little too much the first week but she has the hang of it now.. I have been so excited to do things for the class like little goodies bags etc and what not for all their parties.. That's been a huge thing for me as i never got that when i was little ya know growing up without a mom and my dad sure wasn't going to do anything like that.. I love every aspect of being a "school mom." I really wanted and tried to be a part of everything at the school and volunteered when I could but it was quickly learned that Pumpkin will not participate when i'm there. She just wants mommy and gets mad if I tend to anyone else. I don't want her to miss a single thing so I settle for pictures and letters home.. I have a box at home and every week they send home everything they have done that week and I want to keep everything.. even the bad notes little diva gets.. lordy that child..
Pumpkins first ever school picture.. Yes totally melted my heart..
So lets see, what else.. Pumpkin started speech as well.. We do it every Monday with Erin from Chatter Kids and she is such a huge part of lives right now.. We look forward to seeing her Monday mornings and she has just been amazing.. Pumpkin is still diva and mainly talks when she wants to.. but we are getting there.. In the process of doing speech, Erin and I just realized that she still wasn't quite where she needed to be and started sucking in her air when she started speaking so we started looking into what else it could be.. So off to Dr. Cope we went.. And can you believe.. we have gone months without seeing him. It's so weird going from our every 4-6 weeks to months now.. Well needless to say, he referred us to a ENT and we found out Pumpkin had to get tubes. You know how this mommy is super nervous about surgery so needless to say i was quite uneasy about the whole process but a lot of my friends kept reassuring me and what not but still.. So Pumpkin had the surgery this past dec. Dr. Giles came back after surgery and told us it was actually worse than he thought. He couldn't understand how she could hear if she could (she never led me to believe she couldn't) because she had a whole bunch of fluid in her ears and apparently due to the all the fluid it caused her ear drum to rupture and reheal. It was really quick and simple and she bounced back pretty quick.. Everyone said that i would have noticed a huge difference shortly after but not so much for us.. Although the coolest thing was that you could tell Pumpkin was finally hearing things it seemed like for the first time as when i would turn something on or what not.. She had this look on her face, that was just like wow..
Right now we go for follow up every 4-6 months and so far so good.. We saw Dr. Cheeseman as well this past nov. He told us Pumpkin didn't need glasses anymore for now which is good as she wasn't wearing them anyways. heck they barely made it to her head except for the first 2 weeks. Overall she is doing good with that. He still said her right eye was still weak so we tried drops to keep her eye dilated since she was ripping off the patch.. The drops didn't last much longer either as of course once you start school/daycare.. Germ city.. so needless to say, we got sick over the holidays and i didnt want to add too much more on her..Also as well..her eyes were draining really bad to the point she couldn't open her eyes in the morning without me washing her face.. So of course you know me, I made a appt with Dr. Cope and Dr. Cheeseman because when I stopped the drops, there was no drainage so you know i had to cover every angle. Dr. Cope said she could have allergies but hard to say but still see what Dr. Cheesmen said .. So often to MUSC me, my dad and pumpkin went.. Dr.Cheeseman said its rare for the drops to do that but every kid is different so back to patching we go.. and follow up in April.
Wow its kind of hard trying to sum up some 6 months but I know in time i will finally be all caught up..
As for me.. OVERALL.. im doing really good.. It's been an amazing few months even with life changing events.. But it's been good to find a new peace.. Boy has it been good.. I started a new therapist and that has been going really good.. Everything just seems to be falling into line finally for the most part.. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2014 holds for Pumpkin and I.. I can only imagine.. But I promise to do better now at getting back to blogging. I've missed it and the world that it has giving me.. so just stay tuned as always.. Hard to believe that in just 5 short months.. Its been 3 years.. just wow.. wow..