Sunday, July 28, 2013


Its hard sitting here and realzing that in just 2 days my little girls are going to be 2 years old.. Where has time gone but then again, will time ever make this feeling ever fade away.. It truly feels like yesterday I was just at the doctors office for my 24 week 5 day check up and thats where we got the first words that everything wasn't looking to good. That was the last time things felt "normal" and "ok" and from that moment on is when my world changed forever. From the doctors, I went straight to the hospital to be put on immediate bedrest. Boy was that not fun but i survived my first 24 hours.. Next 24 didnt go so well. Cerclage happened, Pumpkins sac got broken, puliminary ademina and next 24 hours there are my beautiful precious angels.. It still semi saddens me that I'm only able to tell the story up till Pumpkin was born but after she came, i had to be put under and didnt wake for many hours later. I know i didnt miss the girls first cry as they were so tiny and couldn't cry yet so although I never got to hear Alexis, I think pumpkin was loud enough and does enough for the both of them.
Alot has come full circle in two years and I dont think i'm quite off the ride yet.. But then  again I'm beginning to see and realized, I dont think anyone ever gets off the ride.. You just continue to wait in line for your turn to come and when it doesn't you better make sure you are strapped in as no one has no clue what to expect how ever many times you think you have rode the ride.
We celebrated the girls birthday this past saturday and boy ole boy did Pumpkin have a blast. We did it at the little gym in lexington and at first we were a little hesistant wondering if she was too small  but boy does she prove that size does not matter at all.. (Picutres to come at a later point. have to get them all loaded in) Pumpkin started tumbling right around when she started walking and just got the biggest kick out of and in order for this mommy to keep her birthday party small this year (i'm trying to only go big every 5 years, it i dont then lordy ill need like 5 jobs) so i had to pick a place that would do everything and they limited me on a kids count which was super hard, thus the little gym... Pumpkin was so awesome. She actually listened to everything the instructors said. She boogied more than anything which was such the cutest thing ever.. She has this things where she just starts shaking her hiney and throwing her arms around.. I think she got it from Pocoyo which is one of her favorite shows as her dance kind of resemebles that.. But she just rocked it out everytime the music came on. She had a great turn out as we had 16 kids wasn't crazy chaotic but super fun..
For her actual birthday we will be at the beach which at this moment I'm not doing to well with. My mind has just been all over the place and I wasn't even thinking when i booked it that we actually wont be in town for the girls actual birthday.. That means i'm not going to be here to visit with Alexis and have Pumpkin in my arms at the same time at their birthday time.. And i know, to those who are reading this, they are probably saying "but she is in your heart", it is so different for me.. its not just losing "someone", it's losing half of another person.. On July 30 of every single year, I will always know on this date, I gave life to TWO beautiful little girls but yet I will only ever hold one on this day. That's a hard pill to swallow.. It such bittersweet and who knows maybe time will change but until then.. this is it for me.. We will be about 3 hours out of columbia and I'm trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that Pumpkin shouldn't have to endure a total of 6 hours in the car just for me. She needs to enjoy her day just as well... I've tried preparing myself over the past few weeks to be ok with not being here tuesday by not visiting every sunday like I have been and although hard, tomorrow still comes and that's just what i gotta keep believing in.. These days.. I need something to believe in..

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Anger well written..

The link above, please click on and read..I had to share/repost because the past few months for me has been a huge struggle/journey..A lot has happened that has just filled me with so much anger and this article just sums up so much..
It angers and saddens me with so many people over the last 9 months to the point where i just want to tell them to "burn in hell".. But I believe everyone's karma will have their day, just not soon enough for me.
Oh yes I have a lot of anger because still trying to deal with everything I get more bs added to my plate and people actually had the odasity to judge me and "label me".. 
I knew I wasn't alone in life on this journey , just sad those who i thought should have been there to back me, only stabbed me in the back with a jagged knife..

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Grandpa "shoes"

Growing up I never had like a true "grandparent" relationship. I never  met my moms parents and I never had the chance to meet my dad's dad as he passed quite a few years ago. My dad's mom lived in Paris and I met her like 3 times but I couldn't speak to her because she spoke French and some days I feel lucky to just get English right.. :0) So needless to say we never got that whole concept of being "spoiled by your grandparents". I had lots of grandmothers as the church who sponsored us to the USA had some amazing ladies that helped us throughout the years and we did get to partake in some things with them. We even got to go to Disney world when I think I was like 6 or 8..
So for the most part as all of my friends grew up with "grandparents" etc, I never really grasped what that meant and what grandparents love truly is...
So since I never got around to do this sooner after I started blogging back.. I wanted to post (and you will see how all of this will tie into the story).. I have to announce.. HUGE milestone...

 She started trying to get the hang of it back in Dec. and then one day my friend Tina came and brought the kids to come and have lunch with me and just like that as she saw the other kids running, she wanted to be all bold and take her few steps.. from there she just took off with it.. It was the craziest thing.. I feel like she just started crawling and now she is walking and now she is really good at climbing as she throws her leg up and pushes up.. Needless to say she spends a lot of time in the bay window in the kitchen. (Still working on the whole "how to get down" part but she is doing really good and turning around and finding her footing. )
So now that she started walking, we come to the shoe part... of course as diva as my child is, just like how she doesn't like anything on her head, she just as much doesn't like anything on her feet. but we still had to put her in shoes.. Oh my goodness, Pumpkin acted like she didnt have legs when you put shoes on her. She thought it was the end of the world. She wouldn't move, she wouldn't put her feet down if you were holding her.. she just wasn't having it..

It was just the end of the world.. She couldn't move..
So back to the whole grandparent love.. I never realized having that "grandparent" love, also came with the "I was right, i told you so" parent love handed down. My dad is the only grandparent that lives near us as Scott's mom is in NC and that's about a 4 hour drive so we dont get to see her as much. But my dad will try to come over about every weekend or every other.. The slight mention of Pumpkin needed something, boom, ill have like a pallet of it when he comes and visits. Fort he longest time he wouldn't hold her or even touched her, he was afraid he was going to hurt or something. But lordy now, they are like two peas in a pod when they get together. So of course when my dad calls about everyday only to ask how Mackenzie is doing (I no longer exist apparently) I try to keep him up to date on what's going on.. And then I wait for all of his "fatherly advice" as i know he is going to tell me.. Needless to say I didnt want to keep spending money on shoes that she wasn't going to wear so I researched and found that Stride Rites are really good..$40 later.. yep still not having it..
Oh But grandpa comes overs and brings a pair of white sandals from walmart, $11.. and look who acts like she can move in shoes now..

Of course after a walk down the road, I get to hear how I was doing it all wrong and what I need to do .. but i guess Ill take it because at least now for the most part she will wear shoes without thinking its the end of the world. Now i gotta see if grandpa can work on the whole bow thing.. 



Thursday, May 30, 2013

In Just 2 Months..

I just had to post this one as well real quick.. But can you guys believe that just 2 months from TODAY..

The girls are going to be T-W-O.. Omg.. I can't believe I just said that.. I feel like i'm not done celebrating them turning 1.. but now 2.. just crazy..

Her 1st Birthday... wowow

Mother's Day..

Thanks guys for the comments and love/support.. And no Jackie you heard right. 9 year old and 18 year old.. Shoot me a email if have free time and I will explain more.. ( just put a subject so that I don't overlook it. I just prefer not to put it on here as for reasons I just choose to not put out there.. But just to clarify.. no they were not mine.. And yes, I seeked out therapy on my own. Although I have abundance amount of support from friends that I can reach out too, it was just different to reach out to someone who never met me, to tell my story, and to feel the clarity that it's ok, that i'm ok.. And for those of you who are hesitant with therapy, do know it's PEFECTLY ok to not like one.. There are tons out there so don't give up if you have a bad experience with one of them. I'm not going to the original one I started with but I picked up and found another one and so far so good.

So hard to believe I just celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day. It really felt like my first Mother's Day as for those who remember, Scott's Dad passed away the day before mother's day last year. So I never got my "first mothers day" or mothers day last year.. And I know I dont need a day to remind me of the Mother I am and the mother i will continue to be.. but I really dont think there is a single new first time mother out there that can really  deny their first mother day as the same as the rest of them.. At least for me.. although I knew I was a mother its just different because that first one marks the day when you start getting the "mommy day cards", the hand and footprint stuff without having to do it yourself, the breakfast in bed delivered by the kid(s). Its the start of the tradition that will go on for as long as the kids will have it ya know.
It was bittersweet this year as the date also symbolized the one year anniversary of us losing Mr. Barber.. The hussle and bussle of the days (my birthday was is two weeks prior to mothers day so he has double duty) leading up kept Scott busy so I don't think he actually thought about it till I brought it up..
The girls (a.k.a Scott) got me a frame that had Pumpkins hand print in it and the picture of her touching her shadow in the wall. I've been wanting to get that framed for quite some time and now it's in a frame with Pumpkins actual hand print.. I couldn't love it more.. It was a perfect gift for the occasion and all I wanted.. I love all the things that over time will display how much she is grown.. To see her little hands and feet from where she started.. I'll never get tired of that.. The day we just kind of spent hanging out... And be prepared to melt when you scroll down as we got pictures done as well for Mommy's day.. Pumpkin of course hates pictures but I guess considering I have about 1700 of them in my phone mainly of her I guess so.. heheeh.. but for the most part she did good.. Still cant' get that little stinker to wear a bow.. I guess I should be happy she wore a dress for me that day.. Its crazy to believe that she is already telling me what she will and will not wear.. when she doesn't like it, she will tug at it and do her little fake cry and pout and try to pull it over her head.. She is a diva i'm telling you.
We went and sat with Mr. Barber that evening.. We don't get to get out there much to see him as its a good 20-30 min drive from our house but we do at least about every other month.. It was very hard to believe that from the last time we saw him till mothers day which was really only about 2 months how many more headstones went up. We literally walked right past him because he was for a while towards the end of the row and now there are literally about 5-8 rows that have been added.  Still hard to believe he is gone but it's comforting to know that he is up there with Alexis giving her a grandpa while my dad is still here with us giving Pumpkin a grandpa on earth and boy is she coming into her own with grandpa.. (story about that one hopefully soon)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!!!

Monday, May 13, 2013

"Mental State"..

Jackie- You got me blogging again for the most part. A lot of my friends and fb followers kept asking me when I was going to blog again and then friends of friends who I haven't met before asked about blog so when you finally wrote (and we have never met before-or not that I recall at least), I was like ok.. I really do have people who still want to know so that got me kick started again so thank you..  (you know I still cant' figure out how to comment so that's why ill do it in my blog.. heheh)

     As I realize each passing day that my blog does get read and it amazes me on so many levels that i'm forever grateful to you readers and as long as it makes a difference in just one persons life, well that's good enough for me then ya know. So here's to this blog because it blew my mind...

I ran into a friend over the weekend who I haven't seen in a while because for the most part with people over the past few months, I just went off the grid for a little bit. I really needed to regroup and there were just some people who over time I started to see their true colors. So really I was just in touch for the most part with my true closest friends until each day passed and I'm slowly coming into my own which is so out of form for me to even go out of my norm.. But as most didn't understand, I truly changed as a person. I changed when I went through IVF, I changed once I gave birth, I changed when I endure NICU life, I changed when I lost Alexis and to where I'm at this day, I changed into the best mom I know how to be for Mackenzie and for as long as that little girl is with me, nothing will ever change that.
I've been such this person for so long who for the most part before the girls, I had my crap together. I could do a million things at once and not slow down and it be ok. I always vocally put everyone first as well as their task that they needed help.. I can't recall one single person that really can't say that I haven't been there for them in one phone call regardless of where I was at in life for them. I took care of everything and valued the things that I did or represented because my name was on it.. I always took things on knowing how busy I already was but it was hard for me to say no to do things.. That was just me. I needed to stay busy..
Well then the girls came along. My world got flipped upside down in a matters of minutes. It was quite the ride and it still is.. But I started realize as each day passed in the NICU, I wasn't attending anything, everyone gave me my space I needed for the most part, I settled into what would be my norm for 108 days..I didn't care to be as connected to everyone and everything like I use to.. Blogging helped because it reached everyone in one sitting and that was good enough for me.. Then Pumpkin came home and that was my life for the next month and half.. Still no "outsiders" as we settled in to being a family and pumpkin immune system wasn't built up quite yet so we didn't allow anyone to really visit.. I stayed home for the rest of the year which was only about a month and half of pumpkin coming home and returned to work in Jan. And that's the days to where "LIFE" really started happening.
 I began to start learning to say no.. I'm not  quite as bad as I use to be about taking on things but I find myself saying no more. I'm finally allowing myself to ask for help and accepting it which those who know me know how hard that is for me. Hell I even started seeing on a therapist on my own.. The only medication I've taken or have needed is just my anti anxiety as I've had to leave pumpkin for the first few times and for the other things that have transpired in my life in the past few months and ambien to help me sleep when I need it most but all of these have been by choice.. Not because some (non doctors/therapist included )perspective feel it's needed and they are only taken by choice. Because why? Because this is still MY life and I still plan to be in control of it. My "life" wasn't my "life".. It was my girls.. I didn't change because of them, I changed for them and they changed me and made me a mom and that is what I owed to them.. A mom.. The woman who will do whatever it takes to meet their needs, to stand by them and be strong, to not let emotion consume them when life gets hard even if that meant only a few hours of sleep, to provide whatever necessary that they needed.. The person to show them the way, to guide them through life until it was time for them to do on their own.. Being a parent isn't about what you want to do anymore or what you use to do all the time.. it's about creating new moments/traditions as a grown up to a little person who at some point your actions are going to effect them in the decision they make for their own lives.
Before the girls came along, I really never knew what that meant with all my other friends who had kids and to me it just seemed like they had no time for the old ways anymore.. and now actually having the girls, I realize it's not about having time for the "old ways", it's about enjoying and cherishing every minute of what your kid does because before you know it, you go from almost losing them to them being 2 in just a matter of a blink of a eye.. The things that use to be important to you are no long as important anymore because if you can't do it with your kids then how can it be important if you exclude them.. Its about making "new ways" for the next chapter in your life because your book of life doesn't end until you go through the pearly gates above.
So to those of you who have "questioned" my "mental state" and have "judged/diagnosed" my "mental state" on your own, GO SCREW YOURSELF.. I don't need you to understand nor did I ever ask you too.. It's no different than any other situation in life, until you experience it on your own, then you have no clue.  I would love for you to walk into my shoes.. hell you probably couldn't even last in my shadow..  To experience the last 2 years that I have and for the most part, there are only a few of you guys who have seen me truly "crack".. I have yet to label myself as a "victim".. I ask why to myself yes everyday but I don't  seek pity as others do in situations.  I put my life out there to not only help me understand but I'm beginning to find out also that the things I have said or done or have experienced, i'm not the only one going through it.. I'm just able to be vocal about it when others are not.. So  Forgive me if I can't tell my story of my girls without being emotional. Forgive me if I look so tired and ask for a break considering I went from having no kids to having a newborn, a 9 year old and a 18 year old... Forgive me if I can't be at 10 places at one time because I had to be there for a dying father-in-law  and all the stuff that came from that.. Forgive me if I ask to much of my spouse of not allowing him to go and enjoy himself when I can't even take a shower.. Forgive me having to be at every doctors appointment for my child and picking up every single prescription and running out of time at work.. Forgive me for just taking care of my daughter and putting her first.. Forgive me for doing all this while still not processing the loss of my other daughter  and everything that came along with this pregnancy.. Forgive me for standing on my own two feet and still going through all my personal struggles while still giving my girls the best damn mother they deserve without even checking out for a second.. I may not be the person who some knew me before hand but Ill be damn if I change the person who I am now for others beside my kids because the last time I checked, I'm proud of the person who I am and all that I still overcame.. Life has yet to break me for the most part even though it's trying really really hard.. but I have that little girl that laughs at me and smiles when I pick her up and gets so excited to see me and just does something new every day that just makes me say "thank you".. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life.. Thank you for choosing me..

Tuesday, April 30, 2013


Sorry blogging family.. It has been 7 months or so since I last checked where has time gone..I apologize for being disconnect, I have had to deal with some personal issues that I dont want to divulge into but it has taken quite the toll on me over the past few months and i really just needed to take time to step away from things for a while. Things continue to still be a day to day journey but I'm better.  I hope to get back on track with life, blogging/updates from here on out.. Since the girls were born, life has taken on a whole new journey of "self journey" that I never knew i would have to take or could handle.. But the girls are with me everday and that's all I can ask for.... so enough about that.. wow.. I have 7 months of catching you guys up on Pumpkin so here goes..  We have quite a few milestones/amazements that have happened now.. So hold on.. here we go..

December we had pumpkins eye surgery.. We are still traveling to Charleston to see Dr. Cheeseman who is still amazing.. Pumpkins surgery was done at MUSC so me, my dad, and Pumpkin went down the  night before so that we didnt have to get up so early.. The surgery was to correct her "crossed eye" look (mainly where her right eye was turning inward-i forgot the medical terminology- but its common in preemie babies) but when Dr. Cheeseman went in, he found that both eyes needed to be fix and that there was actually more tug on her left eye. Pumpkin did so wonderful. It was hard because I had to watch the nurse carry her away to prep her and it took about 45 mins for surgery all together then about a hour in recovery and to home we went. The next 5 days, pumpkin just needed drops in her eyes and she bounced back pretty quickly.. There were no issues with/during/after surgery. We had a follow up 6 weeks after and got the clear to now get check ups every 6 month.. wahoo.. We dont have to go back to Charleston until July. But overall Dr. Cheeseman was pleased with surgery and Pumpkin will no longer wear her glasses so we shall see in the next year or two to see if we need surgery again..
Pumpkin right before surgery..

Pumpkin the day before surgery, this was right before we hit the road, this was her first time i ever saw her play in a shadow and it truly took my breath away..

Pumpkin after surgery, on the way home..

December was very busy for me, between getting ready for Pumpkin surgery, my dear friend Tricia getting married as to which i was a bridesmaid, and the other stressers in my life, we also had 1 of two big first.. First big first.. Pumpkin had her first haircut.. :0(.. I really did not want to cut her hair but after surgery her bangs just kept getting in her eye and i didnt want it bothering it anymore  so off to my stylist we went.. Pumpkin had her first haircut.. She hated it.. She liked she got a sucker but when she started cutting, you thought it was the end of the world..
her before and after, of course with her sucker..

I dont want to overload all her cutest i in one day so ill leave it on this her first hair cut day.. and i promise, i will start updating much better over the next few days on catching up and getting to where we are today.. enjoy for now and sorry again for falling off the grid..