This day has been by far one of my hardest days. I know I will never understand but I can't help to keep asking, "why did you make me go thru so much just to only take her away from me?" I am thankful for the 2 weeks and 3 days you gave us, but it's just not fair to put us thru everything we went thru, then give us joy, then just totally rip our hearts out and give us such pain by taking away our little girl.
The call came at 9 am, that Alexis has infection called NEC. They didnt know how bad it was until they were able to go in and do surgery. We had a hour to get to the hospital before she went in for surgery. We talked to her and told her we were here and held her hand before she went back. They came back and gave us the worse news possible. they said that when they went into operate there was nothing that was able to be operated on. Her complete bowel was dead and there was just nothing they could do. Without a bowel, everything over time would just deteroiate. We could hae left her on all the tubes and when she got big enough we could have tried for a transplant but that could have been months to years as her feedings would stop and she would only be on iv fluid. We didnt want that life for her, for her to suffer on all the tubes and iv's for so long. We didnt want her to get worse and we not be able to be there for her. we didnt want her to be alone. If and when she took her final breaths, we wanted it to be with us and for her to know that it was ok. Although deep down we would not be ok, we wanted her to feel us and for us to feel her. Scott and I had to make the hardest decision thus far and that is where we told the doctor to go ahead and just let us be with our baby girl knowing that once off the ventilator those would be the last breaths.
We told her how much we loved her and it was ok. She can stop fighting now and just rest. We told her how blessed we were to be her parents and thanked her for allowing us to be her parents. We told her we were sorry that we were unable to protect her. We told her how many lives she touched and how many lives she will continue to touch. We just sat with her and held her close. Scott and I finally laid her down in her bed without all her stuff, just peacefully wrapped in a quilt and said our final goodbyes. Although we told her it wasn't ofifcially goodbye as we would see her again, we told her it was goodbye for now and how much we truly love her and will always remember her.
Although so small and so fragile she knew she made a impact on everyone. We were able to get her baptized before everything came off. We have 2 weeks and 3 days of memories to share with Mackenzie when it's time and 2 weeks and 3 days of life with our beautiful twin divas.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If i die before i wake
I pray the Lord to my soul to take
We love you very much Alexis, thank you for choosing us to be your parents.
Mommy and Daddy