Wednesday, August 17, 2011

August 16,2011- 8:22 p.m.

August 16, 2011, 8:22 pm, our little diva Alexis Rose Barber got her angel wings. She was able to get her angel wings while in our arms with no tubes, no iv's, nothing but her in our arms as she went with just us. I type with such a heavy heart but I sit with our other baby girl as she gives us strength to stay strong as we sit with her.  Alexis was able to say goodbye to her sister and passed on all her fighting strength that she has shown us over 2 weeks and 3 days.
This day has been by far one of my hardest days. I know I will never understand but I can't help to keep asking, "why did you make me go thru so much just to only take her away from me?"  I am thankful for the 2 weeks and 3 days you gave us, but it's just not fair to put us thru everything we went thru, then give us joy, then just totally rip our hearts out and give us such pain by taking away our little girl.
The call came at 9 am, that Alexis has infection called NEC. They didnt know how bad it was until they were able to go in and do surgery. We had a hour to get to the hospital before she went in for surgery. We talked to her and told her we were here and held her hand before she went back. They came back and gave us the worse news possible. they said that when they went into operate there was nothing that was able to be operated on. Her complete bowel was dead and there was just nothing they could do. Without a bowel, everything over time would just deteroiate. We could hae left her on all the tubes and when she got big enough we could have tried for a transplant but that could have been months to years as her feedings would stop and she would only be on iv fluid.  We didnt want that life for her, for her to suffer on all the tubes and iv's for so long. We didnt want her to get worse and we not be able to be there for her. we didnt want her to be alone. If and when she took her final breaths, we wanted it to be with us and for her to know that it was ok. Although deep down we would not be ok, we wanted her to feel us and for us to feel her.  Scott and I had to make the hardest decision thus far and that is where we told the doctor to go ahead and just let us be with our baby girl knowing that once off the ventilator those would be the last breaths.
We told her how much we loved her and it was ok. She can stop fighting now and just rest. We told her how blessed we were to be her parents and thanked her  for allowing us to be her parents. We told her we were sorry that we were unable to protect her. We told her how many lives she touched and how many lives she will continue to touch. We just sat with her and held her close. Scott and I finally laid her down in her bed without all her stuff, just peacefully wrapped in a quilt and said our final goodbyes. Although we told her it wasn't ofifcially goodbye as we would see her again, we told her it was goodbye for now and how much we truly love her and will always remember her.
 Although so small and so fragile she knew she made a impact on everyone.  We were able to get her baptized before everything came off. We have 2 weeks and 3 days of memories to share with Mackenzie when it's time and 2 weeks and 3 days of life with our beautiful twin divas.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If i die before i wake
I pray the Lord to my soul to take

We love you very much Alexis, thank you for choosing us to be your parents.
Mommy and Daddy


  1. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I pray for you and your family every day. ((HUGS)) from Illinois.

    Crystal - a friend of Katie's

  2. What words should I choose to say how very heartbroken I am for you? How do I let you know how much I hurt for you when we have never met?

    I'm a mother of twins who were born at 27.2 weeks, with one weighing only 16 ounces, and the other weighing 2 lbs, 5 ounces. I know the delicate balancing act that is done everyday in the NICU, the minute to minute changes that happen with these little ones.... and I am so sorry that you have had to say goodbye to Alexis so soon.

    Please know that there are those who are grieving with you and who wish they could change things for you.

    If there is anything that any of us can do for you, we would love to.... praying for you and your family.

    (I am a member of the twins club and that's how I got your info)

    Kimberly Shoulders

  3. It is with very heavy tears that I read your posting above about Alexis's passing.That precious little miracle was given to you for such a short time and I know she touched you in so many ways during those 2 1/2 weeks. Each moment you spent, so valuable, so precious. She was such a fighter, and you guys were there to push her along and encourage her each day. It must be incredibly difficult for you guys to grieve for this tremendous loss, while also staying strong for Mackenzie. I continue to pray for you guys so often throughout the day. Alexis is now in the most loving and capable hands of our Lord, although I know you guys will miss her and think of her each day. I'm here for you in whatever way I can be. Please don't hesitate to call me for anything that may be. Much love and prayers to you both.

  4. July, this is a post from one of my friends on Facebook. I have posted your blog link and have asked them to keep you, Scott and McKenzie in their prayers:

    I will continue to pray for your friend Tammy. Jonathan was a 27 weeker (17 1/2 yrs. ago). I became a firm believer then after spending 94 days at Baptist Hospital and seeing so much not to question God's will, but just to realize that everything does happen for a reason.
    If your friend or even you hasn't read the book Heaven Is For Real, now is the time to read it.
    Prayers that they will find peace and the other little sweetie will grow stronger...