Sunday, July 29, 2012

I have faith, and her name is Lynne...

I've been meaning to post this for quite some time but just haven't had the chance to.. And i really dont like doing two post in one night but i figured if i didnt do it now then I would just lag again and this is something i've been wanting to share for quite some time. I wanted to put this out there as going through this whole journey and talking to people, I've realized that some in our position feel alone and I hope for those who read my posts know that they aren't and that there are other people out there that feel so much of the pain as well.  So here's to this powerful post..
Lynne has been my friend since 1st grade when she asked me to be her friend at B.C. Grammer School in the library. Our brothers were friends first and so we figured that since they were friends, we needed to be friends. Lynne and I have walked different paths of life but regardless we are still there for each other when we need it.  A few years back, Lynne lost her best friend, her brother passed away due to sickle cell.  We've never talked about it much then, but she has been my angel through a lot of my hardest days. And the craziest part about it, it's not like it was something I called her and said, "hey lynne, i'm having a really bad day can you come and comfort me", I guess i need to back up some, when we came home from the hosptial we didnt allow anyone to visit until March as that is when flu and rsv season was over. So once we had our baby shower, i had a calendar set up as to when people could visit so i didnt want to get overwhelmed with guest. So Lynne signed up for a good bit of dinner nights.. And some way, my worst days always happened on her night. And she never knew it until we got to talking. Over the past 2 years i believe, Lynne has gotten into church and has made it a huge part of her life and i love how it has made her glow. Lynne use to be paralegal at a pretty big firm here working 16 hours a day to now being  the childrens program director i think it is at her church.. She is the perfect example of someone who has truly found her calling and she is truly where she wants to be..
Through this all, Lynne doesn't sugarcoat it for me. She helps me understand it. Everyone keeps telling me God has a plan and some say instead of asking why, we should ask why not i, others tell me faith will get me through this all.. And for me i've struggled with all of this.. I go to church and i've prayed and everything but it still doesn't change anything to me.. I have never been as devoted as I probably should be but it's not like i deny Christ or anything... Anyways, the past few months, I've been having a really trying time. From all the stress of Scott's dad and the extra stuff we have had going on with things that have stemed from that from Scott's schedule to never getting a break.. some will probably tell you that i've teddered on the line of depression but i still got up every day and did it... One night i was at my worse and scott was working.. my biggest struggle was how do i get through all of this.. how do i heal past this pain. Scott says his faith keeps him going and to me, I still dont understand how that is.. So out of all my closet friends.. Lynne is the most "church like" one so i figured she would be the best to break it down for me without scripture and throwing the bible at me.  So this time i did call her, she didnt answer so i sulked for a few hours, finally she called and we go to talking and then her phone died.. Crazy enough she was around the corner from our house and just stopped by at 11 pm.  Here's my most powerful conversation that I have to keep replaying in my head and that reminds me to get up July when i'm on the floor balling with such pain...

Lynne said to me (not exactly word for word but for the most part) Its ok to ask why and she did refer to a scripture i believe that even said in the bible ask why,and even though I may not have felt "god was there with me", he has been and I have to look at the good that he has brought out of this. He has given us Mackenzie still and she is stronger everyday considering all the odds, Scott and I have become a lot stronger as a couple, this journey has gotten us back in to church, it has brought a community together with so much support and love, our girls have changed lives with so many of our friends.. But I'm like yes, lynne i see all of that but its still so hard because the day Alexis passed,  I was so strong, we had to make that decision to let her go and we made it and I really didnt lose it until that night when we had to walk out of that room and that was because I saw Alexis in so much pain and connected to so many wires that i didnt not want that for my sweet angel  for my own selfnish. But now it hurt so much and i feel so weak because all i see is the emptyness without her and her beautiful headstone and the grass shape of where her body lays.. And she said to me..

"july, through all of this god has made you a mother and you have done soo much for your girls and you will continue to do whatever it takes for your girls. and because you will do anything for your girls, as a mother, you took the pain away that Alexis was feeling and you are bearing her pain so that she doesn't have to bear it anymore. She is pain free now. "

Lynne thanking you for being my guding angel on earth through my deepest times..

Saturday, July 28, 2012

In 24 hours..

Hey blogging friends.. it's 2:26 am and it's hard to sleep knowing at this time last year, i was laying in a hospital bed upside down trying to prevent me from going into labor.. Scott was freezing in the corner of the room as I layed hot from the leg compressor thinsg on my feet, and i guess it didnt help that he was right under the air and i was around the corner. (the vent was in a odd position) I had both of my girls nestled still in my stomach not knowing what all was to come 24 plus hours later..
It's been quite the year. Its hard not to have so much emotion as my girls turning 1 is jus tnot  any ordinary  turning 1.. having preemies to me and having one as a Angel above, to me it means soo much more.
I want to shower with such joy and excitement that Mackenzie has overcomed so many odds and has kicked butt over all the obstacles she has had, I want to sing at the top of my lungs all the joy she has brought into our lives and everyone else lives, I want to give all the people who have been by our sides and have done nothing but show us such support and has given us such a backbone at strength when we need it a hug.. I want the shady cloud of grey to wash from all this but in reality I know it wont. As we have so much to celebrate in 24 hours, it's hard to let go of the hurt that our Angel Alexis is not with us to do all of this. My tears are not just of happiness but they are still also of pain.We've all come so far and it's still really hard to get pass the fact that although we get to celebrate  life today at their party and tomorrow for their true birthday, in just 18 days, we have to relive and mourn the loss..
Today we are going to celebrate our girls life and of course you guys know I had to go big.. How could I not considering how big they came into this world and how big of impact that have made on so many lives. Scott laughs at me because yes, I even have a dj for the girls party tonight. With all my party decor, I not just going to celebrate Mackenzie today but we are going to celebrate our Angel Alexis today. Although she is not physicaly here with us I know she will always be looking down over us.
So heres to our girls.. You diva's mean the world to me and there is nothing i would never do for you guys (or I guess i will see what happens in the teenage years)... You girls are my world, my rock and my heart.. Happy Pre-Day Birthday!!!