I guess our little girls love teaching me life lessons in each passing day. But then again, sometimes also, i think they just keep sending me reminders.. Last night when we meet with Dr. Bendeck to discuss how Mackenzie is doing, he said that she was still stable and that there is still the issue of the PDA, but that a xray was ordered for this morning and we will see where we needed to go from there. The xray was too look at her lungs and her heart to see how the PDA is still affecting both areas. But also he wanted to up her "caffine" that she was getting kind of hinting that she might be able to go back on the cpap depending on how her xray looked. She stayed on still low levels last night and did really well. So when we called for our morning update, we found out that she is still about the same as she was a week ago with the PDA so there is no move for surgery yet. Dr. Coates said that it was ok to wait and just keep seeing how she is doing but also she got to make it back on the cpap today.. wahoo.. So far she has been doing really good.. She has not had any heart rate drops or any saturation drops.. There was even one time when we came back from lunch to where she managed to pull her nose thingy out and she was breathing on her own without any drops.. not sure how long she was like that but that was a good sign that she was able to do it for at least a tiny bit. But not only did her going on the cpap make my day, today i also got to see her suck on a pacifier. She actually took to it and it was just the cutest thing ever. I never thought she would be able to have a pacifier while she still had a feeding tube in her mouth as well but she was mastering it.. I also got to hear her sneeze and she made her duck noises only once today but just to hear my sweet baby and to see her with a pacifier just melted me as her mommy.. She is taking it baby steps at a time and I think it's time for mommy to do the same.
I go back to work in another week or so but dont know yet if i'm going to be strong enough to last. Right now i keep telling myself that I can do it but then I remind myself that really and truly I have not faced the outside world outside the halls of the NICU. Literally my whole days are spent in the NICU just sitting with Mackenzie. The only stops outside of the NICU was to take care of everything for Alexis and go to church which I still wasn't successful at those trips. I think my fear is that I have to go back to the world who was so happy for us for 1)that i finally got pregnant and shared in so much joy with me and then 2) at the fact that we were having twins. Now i have to go and face that same world with our angel in heaven and our diva in the NICU. I couldn't even face the pharmacist at the Publix's we go to without breaking down because she has been on our pregnancy journey from day one with us or even face our neighbor yet across the street who was going to be "grandpa brady" to them both. Scott reminds me that regardless tomorrow is going to come and I'm gonna have to face it. He tells me it's going to be hard but we are also going to get thru it. The pain is never going to go away but it will at some point at least get managable. But as Mackenzie makes her baby steps to getting bigger, stronger, and healthier, I need to do the same of getting back to the world and getting the world ready for a mini me. :0)