Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Blogging is my conversation..

I orginally started this blog to keep me up at night when I would stay with the girls at night in the NICU. All the nurses told me how they loved that the NICU moms would blog because that way it would be a good way for them to keep up with them once  the baby left the NICU.
Now since we lost Alexis, I find myself blogging to commuincate with the world and having a full conversation without so many tears. I use to be a very people person. I always loved talking, even in high school i got "most talktative" in our Senior Superlative. Nowadays, I just can't do it. I find myself avoiding people and places who followed me during our pregnancy but now might have not heard of everything that has happend. So if it seems like i'm avoiding you in public, really and truly I am right now because I just want to talk about things.  I dont like crying in public and it's just hard.   If i could avoid work for a while I would, but as all my customers call, I relive everything with each phone call.  I love sharing in the joys and strides of Mackenzie but it also hurts in the same breath because I miss Alexis. I'm amazed how scary the NICU can be but in the same token I feel like it's my safe haven. They have been on this difficult journey with me, and in the NICU most times I feel normal. In the outside world, there is not a day that has gone by that I havne't cried in some sort of capacity. It's been such a combination of emotions from saddness,joy, compassion that i dont know if i'm going up or down. I've never had to grieve before so i'm not sure how or when, i just take each moment for what it is..
I also love blogging to you guys to record all of Mackenzies milestones. This is like my mini diary that I hope to be able to share with her when she gets older. I know i haven't been blogging everyday like I use to but it's just kind of different now as she progresses there are not as big of hurdles to cross quite yet.  They are just letting her do her thing and we see how each day goes. She had another eye exam yesterday. I'm sad to report that she now has Stage 2 ROP. Right now she will get a exam every monday and I'm praying and crossing my fingers it doesn't get worse.  I'm really hoping that it will self correct on it's own because I really can't handle my little pumpkin going in for surgery and being put back on the ventilator if she does have to get surgery. It breaks my heart now just knoiwing she will get a exam each monday as I know she does not like them and they hurt her eye. But I find comfort knowing that she loves mommy time and I can tell it brings her a little peace when i get to hold her on her exams days.  Actually I get to kangaroo almost everyday now but when she has a rough day i try to do it the whole time i'm there regardless because thats the only thing i can do to make her feel better. When daddy gets her, she loves for him to sing to her. That is such an amazing thing to watch. So far her favorite song is Marry Me by Train..
Mackenzie is now up to 10ccs of feed every hour. We are proud to say that she now weighs in at 2lbs 11 ozs. She also grew another 1/4 in. so she is now at 14 1/2 in. Her bowel movements have been really good but i wont got into to much details although it's quite humerous even when it's all over her bed and all over all our hands. She will be 34 gestational weeks next week and we are hoping that she will be able to be ready to give the bottle a try. As long as everything stays steady then we can give a try and she will have to suck, swallow, and breathe in order to stay on the bottle and get off the feeding tube.  Its hard to know that we are coming up on 8 weeks in the NICU.

Mackenzie wanted to tell everyone "I love you" for all the support and generosity from near and far to all those who have met her and to those who haven't but still love her the same. Thank you.

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