Thursday, September 8, 2011

Its so surreal..

Last night visiting Mackenzie, regardless of how much I stare at her, I can't help but look at her and still can't believe that she is mine..Every second of every day that I see her, you can see her growing and her personality is getting stronger and stronger each day.  With being on the nasal cannula you can see more of her face now and she only has her feeding tube in her mouth so she smiles more now, she makes more noises (still haven't heard a official cry but i can't wait for that) she yawns, she sneezes, she chews on her tube, and here and there she will suck on her pacifier. She is able to gain a little more of her eye control so now she is opening both eyes and focusing a little better, which it will never get old when i walk into the room and start talking she will open her eyes and look up at us. Its hard to explain the feeling  but when you have a micro preemie, you dont get to see a lof of their face becuase of all the tubes and everything for the first few weeks or months so when your baby is able to start looking at you and smiling, it's just such a undescribable feeling.

As of last night, Mackenzie is still staying steady at 2 lbs 3ozs. they have upped her feedings to 7.2 ccs a hour right now. She will be at full feeds at 8 ccs which should be by tomorrow morning. They have stopped her sugar protein iv and she is now on a clear iv which will all go away by tomorrow morning hopefully.. She is still having good bowel movements. She is still being a little diva as she is still pulling out her tubes.. She managed to pull her feeding tube out 2 times last night and she is so cute cause if you catch her right when she grips it, she will kind of give youa little smirk or she swaps at your hand when you go in to move her. Needless to say, she kept me on my toes last nigth when we were visiting.. So today i get to go and look for her some little preemie socks/mitten to put on her hand and hope that helps. They had her trying to hold her pacifier this morning to keep her hands busy with something else. We will see how that goes.

I got to go and see one of the other babies in the NICU last night. Now that we have changed rooms since Alexis's passing (I am uanble to go back into their original room and still not able to go pass the nurses station just because its' just too hard) we are now at the front of the NICU hallway and have meet more of the other parents. So one of the parents wanted me to go and see her son,  and he just hit the 4 pound mark yesterday. I looked at him and just couldn't believe how big he looked. I can't wait for Mackenzie to reach 4 pounds but it was so surreal looking at that baby boy and trying to imagine Mackenzie getting that big.. She is just such a little squirt right now, I can't picture her any bigger. I am so over the hill to see Mackenzie thrive the way she is but it is also causing me to have more aniexty because it's just all been so quick.. To me it's like, it's too good to be true considering everything we have been through in the past 6 weeks. I know my little pumpkin will be home soon but I just can't help feel that the universe is against me. I think i will have that feeling for quite a while because as talking to some of the nurses as well, it's still not over when she comes home.  They say she will come home during the worst time which is winter time where there is the flu virus etc, lets just say that she will be put in my own little bubble when she comes home. And fair warning to all and to not offend, but vistors will be highly restricted for a bit due to building up her immune and all. They told us to stay away from malls etc, anything with big crowds, little kids, so i'm so going to be that parent that is just too overly cautious.
Every moment to every second of our girls life has just been so surreal for me to grasp, i can't imagine how more surreal it will be when I do get Mackenzie home..


  1. Right on July!! That is quite exciting and I can understand your anxiety as well. Definitely supporting you in creating your own little bubble!! I say start NOW! But do remember that respite will be important and those trusted few can be there to let you get some sleep without worry of her well being. :) Keep up the good work mom and dad!!!

  2. You do what you have to do to keep her healthy, people will understand.
    I found your blog though an email forward that one of my Captains sent to everyone in my department from someone at your husband's department. I just finished reading all of your posts from the beginning. I will be praying for your family.