One Month..

Today marks one month since we lost our precious Alexis.  This morning when i got to the hospital it was so hard walking through the doors more so even walking out. I go in the mornings by myself to get some time in since i'm back to work so to walk out all alone, I didnt know if I could do it. On this day a month ago, I had to walk out the same double NICU doors, down the same hallway, across the same crosswalk, all knowing that this day marked the last day I held Alexis and the day I had to say goodbye to her physically for the last time. It was the last day that Scott and I would see our sweet Alexis as we couldn't see her in her casket. We wanted the memory of her in our arms with no tubes or anything, just her as peaceful as the angel she is and was. It doesn't seem like it has been a month already as it still just feels like yesterday for me. I know that Alexis continues to give alll of us strength and she continues to keep pushing her sister but I am still sooo scared that she is going to call her sister to be with her but  I really keep hoping that she hears me when I tell her I need Mackenzie to come home with me soon and if she can please make that happen.
So far I think she hears me and is making it happen. Mackenize continues to push through each day and each day is a new beginning. She had her eye exam yesterday and the eye doctor said that she has Stage 1 ROP (Retionopahty of Prematurity) pretty much from my understanding it's where the retina blood vessels are not devolpoing properly. We were told not to worry right now so I'm trying not to google too much to freak myself out more.  They said we should not worry until stage 3. Right now stage 1 can correct itself overtime to where there is no long term damage or surgery involved but  it's all up to Mackenzie. They are going to continue to do weekly eye exams on her until they can see what direction she heads into. She has another one on Monday and we hope they will be able to tell us more. They said it is common in premature babies and it's just another waiting game. Since her eye exam she has been pretty restless as they had to dialate her eyes and her eyes are a little bruised and sore right now. So it brings me a little comfort as a mommy that when i hold her, you can tell she is a lot more at ease.
The girls turn 32 weeks gestational today so as Mackenzie contiues to reach gestational age we attempt new hurdles. We are proud to report that she is gaining more weight. She is now up to 2 lbs 7 oz. She has gained 2 ozs in just 2 days. They have upped her feeds again to 9.5 cc's.. I hope to see her a little chunky butt before we know it. She is still on 2.5 liters of oxgyen flow. They are considering reducing it again in a few days because she has been doing so well.  The nurses were telling me that at 34 weeks we can hopefully try to start trying her on a bottle. Which i hope to make happen as the little stinker is still continuing to pull out her feeding tube. I guess she is trying to speed up the process as well. The doctors still do their rounds but it's different for us now because now we dont see them as much.  Since she has been doing so good they just pop in and out and we dont see them unless we ask. In a way i guess that's a good thing but we got so use to seeing them everyday it's just different now that we dont have to see them everyday.

Dear alexis-
Thank you for being our angel and continuing to be your sisters angel. You are pushing to get us through all of this. We love and miss you dearly. As the days go by and a month turns into a year and a year turns into 10 more, you will ALWAYS be in my heart just the same.  Love forever and always, mommy..