Wednesday, September 28, 2011

She did it.. she did it, now mommy has to somehow..

Yesterday was mine and  Scott's 8th wedding annivesary. Although we had our usual dinner at our favorite place, it still didnt seem like it has been 8 years with us. I love my husband so much for trying to drag me away from the hospital even for just one hour to have dinner (which worked out because our favorite place is right around corner from hosptial) but i love him even so much more for being patient with me as I kept looking at the clock making sure we made it back in time before 7. (dinner reservations were at 6). Also i think i've finally figured out how to respond to the comments that you guys have been leaving so just bare with because wasn't quite sure about that. "kiley's mom- i would love to talk. i emailed you  a while back but i guess you didnt get. my email (this also goes for anyone who reads and are unable to comment) is  Just make sure to put something in subject line so that i don tthink it's spam and delete.

I wanted to get back because not only does Pumpkin get weighed but it was also bath night as well. We are so overjoyed to announce that our little pumpkin.. SHE WEIGHS 3LBS NOW...   She did it.. She rang in at 1370 grams. 2 ozs in one night. We could not believe it.. We actually had to weigh her twice just to make sure and both times it was a even 3 lbs. Scott and I both looked at each other with tears in our eyes and was just so overjoyed.. We were just so shocked as well because during the day, Nurse Rhonda told us that every diaper she changed, it was a poopy and she changed about 5-6 just on day shift yesterday.. Our little pumpkin is only going to keep going up from here..

I wish the fight that Mackenzie does everyday and the fight she puts in me every day i'm there with her would stay with me throughout the day when i'm not with her. I thought was doing a little better. I found a little bit of comfort. A friend emailed me another blog to read about a little boy named Patterson McKinley. He had a heart defect. To read their story you can go to www.caringbridge/visit/pattersonmckinley.   But what brought me a little bit of comfort was knowing and hearing someone else say and write what we went through with Alexis. There are no two stories alike but yet the outcome still remains the same.  Like the McKinley family, we looked at our precious angels with all their tubes and wires and knew that  that's not how we wanted it to be. We needed our precious angels in our arms just as much as they need to be in our arms.   This is just a snibbit of what his mom wrote: " I knew it was happening, you could see it.  In the next hours things really were awful, but I was very grateful for one thing.  Making the decision to let go was the worst thing I have ever done, but it was made easier by the fact that I wasn't really even looking at "our" Patterson.  His body was there, but he wasn't.  There was no smiling face, no kicking legs, nothing that truly was "him."  And for that i am thankful because I didn't want him to be in a situation where he was attached to things forever.  It felt somewhat good to be able to finally say, take those things away, he doesn't need them anymore.I think this is why Dave and I have had some peace about this whole thing.  Trust me, every moment isn't glorious.  We get upset and miss him terribly.  But there is a lot of relief in knowing he isn't sick anymore.  He can kick his legs without a cast or bar.  He doesn't need a helmet, his head is perfect!  He needs no more medication...and he can eat all the Krispy Kreme doughnuts he wants! I can truthfully say I have no regrets with my son.  Yes, I wish I could see him one more time, or kiss his head once more, but I was there for him when he needed me.  I did all kinds of things for him that I NEVER thought I would have to do.  We took him to every doctor appointment he needed.  We stayed with him and made sure he was taken care of.  I hope to live the rest of my life the same way."
I thank you McKinely family for saying what I felt. I knew Scott and I made the right decision for Alexis but it will never make it better but to hear someone else put it in words and say it as well and to know they expereiced that same moment we had to, helps make the decision we had to do just a very small bit easier. Our little girl is being the gymnasist in heaven the same way   that she was in the 2 weeks and 3 days on earth, but in heaven she is doing it without all the tubes and without everyone pricking and pryer at her.

Yesterday I had a good day to where i think it was the first day that i really haven't cried. I was even so proud of myself because when leaving the hospital yesterday I finally saw my high risk nurse who was with me through delievery and all, Mindy B. I've been wanting to see her since Alexis passed but I just knew I couldn't. I actually hugged and spoke to her without balling.  I could feel the tears wanting to come out but they didnt make it like i though they would. I just dont get how I can handle some people and not so much others. In the hospital I only had a few break downs but yet back in the "real world" I can't face anyone because I always break down. Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am but yet I feel so weak. For example, the fundraiser coming up for us, I have been asked if we are going and as of right now, I dont think i can go and deal with so many people who has seen our pain and hurt and have shared in it with us.  My OB prescirbed to me Zoloft when Alexis passed. Everyone keeps telling me to take it but it scares me to and I have so many mixed emotions about it. .  Mackenzie's doctors have told me it's ok for me to take while i'm breastfeeding but then i feel like it's just another form of medcine going into her body which I dont want.  Then i'm afraid that it's something that I might not be able to come off of and then what.. People who have been on it tells me that it helps takes the edge off a little bit with the anxiety of dealing with people but i keep thinking though, isn't part of grieving, crying? If you stop that and dont get it out, how does that make it better by building it up? Eventually I'm gonna have to deal with it again right? And then I also look at it like if i take it, then it's another thing that has defeated me. My little girls fight and have fought since day one,  and they are doing it and did it as such fighters with such will, so why can't I? Somehow I got to get  back....

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