Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I not only lost Alexis..

Since Alexis has passed almost a month ago this Friday, i have been unable to look at my c-section scar. It doesn't hurt in the sense I had to get cut open internally and externally but it hurts more so because it's a constant reminder of everything I had to go through just to get Alexis and Mackenzie here only for Alexis  to be taken away from me in just 2 weeks and 3 days. I will never understand why but that doesn't mean I wont ever stop asking.  I will never ever forget everything I went through and the joy I had for when my girls came into this world but I can't help but to think of the pain of it all and just wish it could all go away but I know deep down it never will.
Giving birth at only 25 weeks and 1 days is so hard for me as a first time mom. I fear more now than I ever have and I lost more than I ever imagined.
When you have to deal with infertility and dont know why you are, you already start off with such defeat. I never knew what I was up against so I didnt know how to fight the unknown. But when we became pregnant finally, I felt like i could conquer the world because we conquered the unknown of our infertility. And not only did we conquer it with one baby but we were blessed with 2.
I finally got to be a first time mom when during the whole infertility process I was never 100% sure that I would ever get to have that feeling of being a "first time mom".  But going into preterm labor at 25 weeks and 1 day, it not only took Alexis away it took so much more away from me.
I fear getting pregnant again only to go through so much pain of something else going wrong. I fear each day that I wake up, i'm going to get another phone call again and just like that everything changes in the blink of a eye. I fear the hurt and saddness will never go away nor will it get easier. Heck i'm even to the point where I"m waking up in the middle of the 4 hours of sleep i'm getting just to make sure Scott is still breathing.  I will never get to experience all the oohs and ahhs when you have a baby shower and you get all the big stuff and the stress of where to put it all. We had a smaller shower before Alexis passed with just a close knit of friends and I was elated only for it to turn to saddness as looked at all the double stuff that I wasn't going to be able to use. Although we had both their cribs already, I was unable to go into the "babies" room becuase of both cribs. Luckly my best friend was having a baby and needed a crib and came and removed the other one while we were out. The day of my big big shower, that was the day we buried Alexis. Instead of friends and family gathering together for oos and ahhs, we gathered for tears, saddness and heartbreak. As the date approaches this weekend that was suppose to be another shower for me, I will be spending  it with Mackenzie in the NICU thinking about how the few things that I do have for her, I wont be able to share with her quite yet and I dont know when I will.  I will never be able to have that 3rd trimester feeling and all the "glory" you hear about that. I will never be able to say I had a "maternity photoshoot" as it was already scheduled for the week after the girls made their early arrival. Ill never be able to have these first as most new moms get.
Although now my first are when i get to hold my baby girl, when will i get to feed my baby girl, when will she get to come home, when she overcomes a hurdle that the doctors give her. And yes, these are a different version of all my "first" and i'm elated over each one of them but still doesn't mean that a little part of me is missing and doesn't get sad when I see other new moms and all their joys.  My friends keep telling me they are going to have me a shower after Mackenzie gets home but i tell them no. Its hard looking at my registry knowing that we did it for our TWIN girls and now to redo everything, it's just too much. On top of that, everyone has offered so much generoisty with donations, food etc,  we dont want to obligate people to gifts either.
As their parents, we feel like we failed in protecting them from so much pain and hurt. And for me, I think that's why i'm so determined that whatever Mackenize needs, I will figure out a way for Scott and I to get cause right now that is the only thing we can do. The rest is up to her, her doctors, and GOD.  And i know everyone means well and wants to help with us getting what we need, but I feel like it's something we have to do on our own. We are the parents and it's just what parents are suppose to do. We got Mackenzie her stroller and carseat this past weekend  in prepration when it comes time for the carset "test".. I dont know when it is but i will be ready and waiting in anticipation. And for those who dont know, the carset test is where before she leaves the NICU she has to be able to sit in a carset i think its for over a hour without any heartrate drops or breathing issues before she can come home and she also has to get to the weight requirements of 4.5 pounds.
If i could just have one wish or if I had to give everything up, I would do it in a heartbeat if i knew that Scott and I could have BOTH our girls home and healthy...


  1. Thank you for taking the time to write out these emotions, July. I was curious about your state of mind with all the goings on, but didn't want to burden you with questions/visits/etc.

    I understand the feeling of defeat that comes with dealing with infertility but then to deal with all of these dynamic, strong emotions over such a short period of time must certainly be a mindf*ck (parden my french, but I couldn't think of a better word for it).

    I hope the action of writing this blog helps you (if only a little) work through some of the emotions. I suppose it will be a very long time until you feel "normal" (whatever that is).

    I wish that I could offer some sort of words of support, but there are no words. I love you guys and can't wait for you to have the "first" drive home with baby. Thinking back to how emotional my first drive was...I can only imagine what you will feel jumping such a large hurdle.

    Be strong.

  2. thanks amanda for the encouraging words.. the day mackenzie comes home is going to be filled with so much bitter emotions, i'm ready but then again i'm unsure but hopefully we get to find out soon.