Thursday, October 27, 2011


I put "understanding" in quotes because I dont know if that's the right word for all of this, but for me is kind of the only word.  To me "understanding" is like a two part meaning..
On one hand, I wish noone would understsand my pain/emotions because to really and truly understand will mean you that you have to endure it and have it happen to you and scott and i never wish such pain on anyone else.  This has been one journey we dont want anyone to ever have to go through.
But then on the other hand, i wish people  could understand where i come from and grasp it all. 
Yeah i know right, how jacked up am I to contradict all that i say. But i guess my biggest thing that has gotten to me this week.. and for those reading this please understand it's not to offend or whatever as this is me and you are you.. And i totally know people mean well and I get that (but if you dont know what to say then that's ok, you dont have to say anything to me when you speak to me, heck you can metion the weather for all i care)  but I really wish people would stop saying to me.. "well my brother sisters cousin aunt had a preemie at so in so weeks and they are now at so and so age and you would never know that they were a preemie and are doing great".. For me it's not about years down the road and the developmental skills and what not. For me its about the right now and the right now is just making sure we get through another day and that our little pumpkin is with us. It does not matter to me what the years brings as long as the years come with her . No one can understand the fear and the pain of haivng to bury one child and a few hours later be with your other child as they are hooked up to monitors and tubes and look so helpless all the while you stand there being and feeling helpless. I stand there and watch mackenzie not knowing what the next hour, heck not even the next minute brings .But i take it for that is another minute or hour that i'm with her and that she is here with me.
 Instead of telling me how great your brothers sisters aunt cousins preemie is doing or has been doing, i would rather heare about how you do it. How do you cope, what was the struggle like, how did you get through each struggle. Having a preemie, and i know a child  let alone, but preemies have extra special care early on in life, is such a journey all in its own outside of parenthood and thats the support that i look for and need. We are on the road to parenthood but our road slightly curves and bends differently compared to full term babies.  Our milesstones come in such smaller comparisons to a full term baby.
And please understsand when you call me and ask me how is mackenzie doing, i really dont want to answer. Because for me there are no good or bad days. There are just stable days. There was always "good" days with Alexis but yet she gotten taken away from us and became our little angel. So we dont take the "good news" for good days we take them as stable.  And some will notice that i will immedatiely change the subject because its still hard for me to talk about and reconigze that you are not asking me about both my babies you are only asking me about one. And I just can't give you a "good" report becaues there is just so much details to how mackenzie is doing and not everyone knows or gets whats' going on. So that's why for me it's just easier to type it versus saying it.  I love talking to the people who can have a normal conversation with me and treat the day for what it is. Its not about acting like nothing has happened, it's just about acting like we can move on and go forth and not stay back in the pain.

The past few days scott and i are trying to wrap our heads around what all needs to be done for mackenzie to come home. That day seems so far away but yet its a lot closer than we think. We got our cpr class and shaken baby syndrome video out of the way. Mackenzie currently weighs in at 4 lbs 5 oz, so she can now check the weight requirements off. We are happy to report that is gets 4 bottles each day (every other feed) and is doing amazing on them. She is finishing the bottles under the 30 min time frame. We need to get to 8 to check that off the list. She hopefully gets to try the crib today. When i left this morning they were starting to wing her from her bubble (decreasing the heat temp) to get her ready for crib and room temp. She has to maintain body heat int he crib without losing a lot of weight so that we can check this off our list. She has gotten to come off all her meds accept her prevacid (reflux) and her iron which i doubt she will come off of for a while but that's ok because mommy is anemica also. She is up to the 36ccs of feed. She is still ont he nasal cannula but still on just a little bit of room air. Still no change/word yet on eye exam as i think she has another check up today (i thought it was yesterday but they didnt come so we are hoping today).

Scott and I have got to find the time to get the house ready and prepped for her to come home because it will be here before we know it.. It's really hard to believe that Sunday our girls will be 3 months old.

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