Oh the rollercoaster..

I really and truly feel that the NICU should also add "rollercoaster" to the name as well.  If only the locked doors and long hallways lit up with bright colors, had straps to keep you restrained, gives you the rush and thrill ride all while ending in what 5 minutes.
I never in a million years thought I would have a "happy" moment in our stay in the NICU right now nor did i ever think i would cry tears of "happiness", heck i never ever thought i could cry as much as i have over the past almost 3 months.
Our little pumpkin gave me the best thursday and it was very much needed. I got to give her two bottles, one which was done all by myself, and she took both of them in the 30 min time frame and I didnt feel nervous or anything. For her 6pm bottle, after wards i got to semi swaddle her and I just sat there for two hours just holding her and rocking her to sleep. It was just me and her. Her monitors didnt go off, my phone didnt ring, the nurses didnt need to check her for anything, it was just purely me and her and i just sat there rocking her as she just slept on me and all i could was stare. I couldn't believe this is what scott and i created and how she is so beyond a miracle. As happy as I was, i also couldnt' help but feel sad because my sweet angel alexis wasn't in my arms as well but as i looked up (the girls "nametags" that got made for their "bubbles"- we still keep alexis's in mackenzie's room, its just in the closet to which i never keep shut) but her name tag just was beaming when i looked up and that was the first thing i saw. I knew she was there in spirit and she was giving me that moment. That was also the same night that Mackenzie hit 4lbs and also the extra cherry on top, we had Katiebeth which was one of the nurses who was last with Alexis. Daddy couldn't be there but we got it on video for him and it was just a relief that i could finally have a moment and just be happy.
Friday came, Scott and I had to do our cpr class and watch the shaken baby syndrome. Mackenzie got her feeds upped to 36ccs. The day went by smooth and quick and it was just all around a good day for us.

Well then of course you know that had to be short lived for me. Saturday morning came around and we did our normal morning call, hoping to hear the news that she might have gotten to go to the crib that day, but nope, we get the, Mackenzie isn't being herself today. She is being really puny, and we are going to draw some blood and run some lab work. I tried not to read to much into yet so ran some errands but still needless to say I got to the hospital asap. Lab work came back normal but yet our little pumpkin didnt want her paci, she didnt cry, she was hot, she just layed there. I held her and normally she wiggles on me till she gets comfortable, but she just laid there where she got placed on me and didnt move or anything. It just wasn't my pumpkin. The doctors ordered more blood work as they said it could still be a little early for first round of blood to show any infection so they did it that night. The first time i heard her cry all day is when they had to poke a few times because they had to get a lot of blood from her and it was such a pityful cry that i had to go and sit in another room because i couldn't stop crying. there was nothing i could do for my baby and none of us knew what was going on. Resulst came back from second lab work semi normal, nothing that stood out but she was just so puny, so we left at 1am to get some rest and wait till morning for another set of labs. I just sat and cried all saturday. I was scared because she was just so puny and none of her labs were coming back with an explanation. I couldnt' really hold her because i didnt want to stress her out anymore just for my selfishness. I just couldn't help but sit there and think, we can't lose her either, we just can't, I need her with me and for her to come home.

sunday came and as always, when she has Tonya on the weekends, Tonya always tries to  sends us a good morning picture of mackenzie and told us that she was feeling al ittle better (and plus she knew how upset i was from the day before) so needless to say i was waken to a little sigh of relief.  Not 100% yet but she was on the way. We went to church which i did good (only because Scott was with me) I actually spoke to a new lady and didnt even cry. I even sat with Alexis afterwards like we always do and didnt cry. I showed her the morning picture of Mackenzie and just kept asking her to get her better and get her home.  When i got to the hospital, little pumpkin was resting. She seemed in much better spirts, so I actually left for a little bit and took my nephew to the fair. Boy is the fair a difference experience when you go with a 2 1/2 year old. But nothing compared to when i got back to hospital and Scott was there as he didnt go to fair with us and him and mackenzie ended up both passing out at the same time. If only I could lay them close together, they were both sleeping the same. She is so her daddy's mini me and i could had just stared at them all afternoon just watching them both sleep. It was a priceless moment.

Sunday night weigh in came in and we are happy to say that Mackenzie is now weighing in at 4lbs 4ozs. She is now 16 3/8 inches in lenght, and her head cir. went up another 1 cm i believe it is at 30 now.  she rested for the rest of the night so Scott and I left a little early as there is nothing to eat around the hospital in the evening time and it was nice to eat early, get home and I was actually able to get my kitchen back in order and get it semi clean. I almost feel some sort of normalacy. (i dont want to actually say it though because it seems like it will be too good to be true)

I even woke up this morning actually feeling refreshed. Got to the hospital around my normal time and was excited to find out that Mackenzie took a bottle at 9 pm. in 14 mins and she has been acting all night like she has been wanting more. It was good seeing her cry and being diva because i wouldn't stand there and hold her paci for her the whole time. I think she was hungry again but she just ate so there was nothing i could do for her. My little oinker. Before i left to come to work i was told that her new "orders" stated she can get a bottle every other feed so that's 4 bottles a day. Super excited that to report that she just took her 9am feeding and she did it in 10mins. RN Shelly said that she would have probably finished it quicker but she had to slow her down some because she was going to fast on it. :0)

Hoping for crib soon but we dont want to do to much at one time so we will see. As always, its the watiting game.