Monday, October 17, 2011

Beyond ready to get off the rollercoaster ride..

Sorry it's been a while since I've last updated, I didnt have too good of a week last week. I know i'm tired/exhausted, i dont have enough hours in the day to do things and be with my little pumpkin but i keep telling myself that this is what i have to keep doing until she comes homes.
I try so hard to keep it together and for the most part I do, but here lately I just can't. But i just gotta keep trying.
Yesterday marked 2 months since Alexis passed and I woke up all ready to go and see her and thought that yes, i can do this alone today. (scott was working) I got all ready to go to church all by myself and i was feeling pretty confident and strong that I could do it. I got to the sidewalk before someone approached me and I just couldn't stop crying from that point. I made it into the church, sitting in the back by myself, hoping to get through chruch service but I just couldn't. I sat there and cried thinking that at that month 2 months ago is when i got the word that surgery was not successful. I couldn't help reliving that day in my head as i sat in the same church that i had to lay her to rest in. So needless to say I got up to leave about 10 mins into service. I went and sat with Alexis for a while. I weeped and finally stopped for a breif to read her a book. Which made me cry even more. I was suppose to be reading a book to her in my arms or as they layed in their beds but instead I have to read it to her headstone. I think it adds to me as well knowing that I still had to go the hospital and yeah even though i was excited to spend time with my pumpkin, its so hard to walk to the same area/doors where i was last with my precious angel alive. Maybe things will get managable not really easy but managable for me when Mackenzie comes home so that I dont have to keep reliving the day as much. I will never forget the day but I always feel like something else is just going to go wrong on the 16th.
Scott thinks that i'm going into seclusion because i'm not doing anything else besides hosptial, work and sometimes home. But i keep telling him, it's not like i'm not answering my phone or i'm not allowing people to come visit me at the hospital. Its hard for me to get out and do anything. Its hard because almost 12 weeks ago now, i gave birth to two beautiful girls and yet they are not home with me. Its like I have two babies but yet you dont see me pushing a stroller around or taking them to church or anything like that. I dont get up in the middle of the night to pick them up if they are crying, or rock them to sleep. I haven't gotten to enjoy motherhood the way i should be right now. I've been trying so hard the past week to get out and get back into the real world but I just can't. And then knowing i can't makes me feel even worse because i'm letting so many people down. I wasn't there for our benefit where so many people came out and gave us so much love, i missed my dear sweet friend nicoles birthday party, i missed our friends Marlana and Chad's wedding,  Rylan's 3rd birthday party at monkey joes which is a place i've been wanting to go to for like forever. Missing these things makes me feel horrible because I have always been that person being there and juggling so many things in life and now I'm not myself. I may never be 100% me but i would like to get back at least 50% me.  My best friend, holli, told me last night that i'm always doing for other people, its time i let others do for me and that's just so easier said than done.. I just dont even know where to begin. I'm beyond emotionally drained but I can't show Mackenzie that.. She needs her mommy to be there and to be strong because that's what she's gotta do right there with me.
On top of me falling apart, I'm a little sad to know that I dont think we will make it home by halloween. I was very hopefully at the beginning of the month but now two weeks away I just dont see it. Mackenzie acutally lost some weight towards the end of last week because she was retaining to much "water weight" (she wasn't peeing out enough)  so they had to give her some lasik and she pee'ed out so much the next morning. She ended up losing 3 oz's so we went back to 3lbs 9 oz. Last night she weighed in at 3lbs 12 oz so she is slowly gaining it back. She grew another inch in lenght. She is now a little over 16 in. She is slowly working on the bottle still. She didnt get it much last week and still trying to figure out why but hopefully with the new set in stone order we will get a little more progress and she will just continue to grow.. She is still at 32cc's which i can't wait till they up her some more on it because boy let me tell you.. she is feisty when she is not fed on time..She is so her daddys' child..She amazes me each day as she jsut becomes more and more of her own little person and man ol man is she loving her paci even more and more. She is spoiled rotten as she always wants you to hold it for her but then if you dont, she finds way of keeping it in her mouth without holding on to it. She sucks it so hard right now and it's still al ittle to big for her it always comes out, but she is working on getting a better grip of it.
I'm hoping soon we can get off the big rollercoaster and get more onto the kiddie ride until then i just gotta keep going..


  1. I just want to give you a big hug. I love the honesty you put forth in your posts. I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing to get through all of this. As time passes it will get easier and then time goes by so fast sometimes that you can't remember what it was like to hold a tiny baby when your baby starts sitting up, crawling, walking and talking. It's ok to just take it one thing at a time, you are still grieving and worrying and being a mommy. That's a lot right there. You mentioned that the 16th of the months are hard for you. They will be a little off for a while, but it is all in how you look at it. You can use those days to dwell on what you no longer have and be sad. Or you can turn the meaning of those days around and celebrate Alexis and her short time on this earth and be thankful for the good things she gave you while she was here. In time, I hope that is the route you will take. Your definition of motherhood is one that all little girls think they will have when they grow up. Give birth, bring baby home, take care of baby and watch them grow and learn. That is what you want so much and feel you have been missing out on, but right now you may need to find a different definition of motherhood that fits where you are now. Your baby is here but not at home, but you are still a mother playing a slightly different role. In time you will get to do those other things too. Take care of you and baby and when you feel things are falling into place and going well take time for your friends you haven't spent much time with. Maybe have a girls get-together and catch up on the things you missed out on and be July for a night or an afternoon. In the meantime, if you have a few minutes and a friend asks you to go to lunch take them up on it now and then. Soak up that love because that is what Mackenzie will feel from you when you visit her afterwards. Make sure you get as much sleep as you can so that you can be the mother you want to be. You will get stronger, you are a mother. (These are just my thoughts and I hope they will be helpful to you.)

  2. thanks jax. i never looked at it as a "different type of motherhood".. well not so much in the postive light of things. and I feel all the hugs by people words and support. :0)