Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Today was a hard day..

I thought for the longest time the next hardest day for me would have been walking out of the hospital with both my girls, but that day wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. I think having Alexis's things with me while being wheeled out with Mackenzie in one hand and Alexis' belongings in my lap made things feel a little peaceful/bittersweet. I was leaving the NICU with both of them in my arms in their own special way.
me and my girls.

Alexis last belongings..

But today marked the 3rd month of Alexis's passing. For the past 3 months, i've been having to live this day inside the hospital walls where it all started and ended. I had a scnse of calm walking the halls in the hospital at 5 am. Although sadden, it was just different.
But today I had to experience this day at home officially without Alexis and with just Mackenzie. The reality of it all sank in a little bit deeper. I think of combination of sadness and lack there of sleep made things a little worse as well. Normally on this day it starts witha  trip to the hospital, work, then off to visit and sit with Alexis then back to hospital again. But today didnt start that way, it started with no sleep and me being extremely tired. Trying to get things in order to take a nap only to be waken up by phone calls. I couldn't get it together today. Then finally i got to go and see Alexis. Scott didnt get to go with me as one of us ahd to stay home with Mackenzie so that made thinsg feel alittle different as well. I didnt get my normal long visit as a storm was fast approaching but i think Alexis held off the rain long enough for me to get to sit with her as it started pouring shortly after. It's been getting harder aceepting that she is gone. I found myself trying so hard not to just ball the other days i went to kohls and was looking at baby clothes knowing that i was only buying for one. I feel like the barrier to my saddness wall is slowly cracking and i dont know how to keep it solid. With the holidays coming up, that doesn't make it any easier.  I've got to find a way to get my barrier back because thats what helps me keep going.. I dont want my saddness to take away the joy and happiness of still having Mackenzie in my arms even through all the tiredness.

Being at home as been really super tired. The whole time in the NICU, i thought to myself, when we get home, I got this. i thought i had it because i was with her every single day at the NICU. I was there for feedings, diaper changes, bath time etc. But home it is totally different. I thought i was prepared but boy was i wrong. The first few nights were super super rough. well for me at least because i'm up more. She decided she wanted to stay up all night and sleep all day. Her feedings take longer it seems like and she is having reflux so much moer than waht i was use to in the NICU. The extra spitting up freaked me out the first few nights and the extra cries. I felt like i was doing so much wrong and i didntk now how to make it right. Needless to say, mom had a meltdown last week. But thanks to such a wonderful person and someone who i'm so happy to call my friend, her NICU nurse , Tonya. Tonya, i got to know as Mackenzie was her assignment on the weekends Tonya worked and i'm so glad because I also got a friendship out of her being Mackenzie's nurse. She has been keeping sane or at least trying to. She gave me the best advice so far to help me sleep and that is to keep her swaddled at night and then loose all day. and boy did that work the first night.  And it has it moments where it doesn't work like last night but compared to last week, ill take one bad night compared to 7. And i also have to give loads and loads of love to my other friend Kristina P, as she gave me a boppy before leaving the hospital and that thing has been a true lifesaver. Mackenzie loves her boppy and she spends a lot of tiem in it.. It has semi helped with the reflux but it help when it's 3 am and we dont have to hodl her as long to help prevent soem of her reflux the way we had to do before.

I can count on my hands on how mnay times i ahve left the house. It has been a chanllenge because you just can't pick up Mackenzie and just go. Between her monitors and oxygen tank, packing her up to go somewhere is a workout. We only go to and from doctor appoointments. Next week is going to be a huge chanllege as we ahve 6 doctor appointments all by next thursday. So far we have been going to the pedtrician every week and Dr. Clark, retinia doctor, about every other week. Dr. Cope her peditrician said as of right now, everything looks good but we have to see him once a week. He is concerned that she has not gained any weight so now we also get a dietian/nutrionist added to our list of doctors. Mackenzie now weighs in at 4 lbs 15 ozs.  Doctors appointments and the routine of her getting checked otu are so different then what we are use to. It's been quite a adjustment from the NICU world to the outside world.
Although our first week home has been really challenging, it all goes away when i get to hold her in my arms, in our own bed and just sit and listen to her snore as she sleeps. I'm up for any challenge as long as moments like that never go away. It makes ending such a hard day a little bit easier.


  1. Welcoming home baby is actually the hardest part of parenting and no one ever tells you about what it is really like. Just when you think you got it, something happens and you feel like the worst mother in the world because you can't fix whatever is wrong with your baby at that moment and it seems like every other person does it better. I absolutely hated that feeling with my children. For me, I think not having any help made it that much more difficult. Eventually you figure everything out, get on a schedule that works for the family, not for the baby, and then they start growing and changing so fast you wish you could hold them more while they are still tiny. All mothers understand what you are going through and we are right behind you cheering you on. At least I am. *hugs* -Jackie

  2. Every mother goes through this transition- even if you think some aren't. Some moms are really good at covering it up. :) It's tough but you'll get through it. Some days are harder than others, but eventually you'll have more good days than bad. Just keep your head up and get as much sleep as you can- that's what you need right now. Lack of sleep does a number on you- mentally and physically.

    Let Mackenzie be your barrier for Alexis. Cherish your little angel in Heaven but live for the angel you have here on earth. They are both so special! I hope this part gets easier for you July. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like. When you give that sweet little baby a kiss, give her 2 kisses!!

    Lots of love!!