8 Months and 17 Days with a few changes.

Today marks the 8th month annivesary to when our sweet Alexis got her angel wings. It doesn't seem like it's getting any easier for me as each annivesary comes near or passes.  Its always such a heavy/bittersweet heart for me because I look at Mackenzie and see all the things that should have been and all the things that have been possible. I miss my little girl every second of every single day..
For me a lot has changed in 8 months and 17 days.. Not only physically with pumpkin but just everything all around and then there are some things that still haven't changed.
Not Changed: My saddness, the clothes that scott and i wore the day we got the heartbreaking news- they still sit in the corner of scotts room untouched. I haven't found the heart to touch them yet or to pack them away. I'm still not able to face large amounts of crowd where the focus is on us but you guys would be proud to know that i made baby steps. I did end up going to the poker run but i kind of hid behind the scenes.I wasn't able to go up in front of everybody with scott or mackenzie when it was time, needless to say i stood in where no one saw me with a dear friend and cried.. it's just still so hard to swallow everyones love,kindness, generosity and the still "i'm so sorry" look you get from everyone.
Changed: Pumpkin is eating rice ceral from a spoon, she is able to hold her own bottle and she now reaches out for it. She is beginning to sit up now with a little bit of assistance from her boppy or whatever is near.. She is just as jumpy as she can be. She fits a little bit better now in the excersaucer and is actually playing with things on it. She is smiling much more, she is so much more alert to her name and things going on around her..
All in all, Pumpkin has been a true blessing with prayers being answered each day. She is our true miracle baby and I coudln't imagine life without her... check out what really touched me today. (see below)

Happy Easter with Updates..

We had our first easter and boy has it been a busy one. But we are very happy to report that we actually got to go to church for the very first time with Mackenzie and it was quite special with it being easter and all. She did so good. She slept for the most part but then she just wanted to look around. Church was quite crowded as to be expected for easter. Pastor Hayes always puts on a good sermon and we have truly missed him and was very happy to see him. We look forward to many more church services to come now that pumpkin is allowed to go. Scott picked us all out easter baskets on his own which i'm so proud of him and he did a very good job. He got Mackenzie a fashion diva basket, with her very first little barbie doll to play with, he got alexis a princess one with a barbie doll as well and he got me a princess one with a wand and all.. ( you are never to grown to get a easter basket)..

daddy and pumpkin at our first church service

us girls and our easter basket..

Pumpkin had a eye appointment with Dr. Cheeseman as well last week. He is still very pleased with the way her eye is looking. We are looking to do a mri towards the end of next month to officially see if the tumor is gone or not. He said currently she may look a little cross-eyed but it's because the bone in her nose has yet to fully develope so just give it some time. It is hard to say if she will be cross-eyed or not.

We are now up to 2 servings of rice ceral a day which is quite exciting. She is doing really well with it. We will progress as each week goes until we go back and see dr. Cope next month for her 9 month check up.. wow. can you believe 9 months.

Overall she is doing really well. Pumpkin is a little over 11 pounds and she is slowly growing now but stil growing and that's all that matters. Her teething is getting a little worse but that's ok as i know that means her teeth are coming in which is still so hard to believe.

But i'm telling you, scott and i dont hold our breathes for long lived good news right now.. I not only say we had a busy weekend due to that it was a holiday weekend but we got word on friday that Scott's dad went into full cardiac arrest on friday. He collapsed at church and thank the lord there were two women there who knew cpr as they adminster cpr until the ambulance arrived and that is the main cause as to him still being a live. (cpr) His heart did stop and they had to shock in the ambulance from what we were told. Right now we are not getting much of any  news. He is currently still in icu at providence hospital. He is intabated and sedated but stable right now. They keep running a bunch of test but still nothing. They have told us they think he had a stroke and heart attack but not quite sure which one came first. The only good news we can report right now is that they did a cat scan to look for brain bleed and that came back negative. To add to the rest of this bad news, we just found out that he possibly has lung cancer and went for the biopsy this past wednesday.  I will continue to keep everyone updated as we are updated but right now we are still at square one with it all.

Scott is hanging in there to the best of his ablity but you can tell by the looks in his face it's really really hard on him. He's quickly mentioned that it's hard because all the mointors remind him of the nicu as it's all the same noise. I have not been able to go back because pumpkin is not allowed in the icu but i really dont think i can handle it as the hospital he is at is not to far from where we were at so it's the same route for us ya know. So me and pumpkin hold down the fort for scott and try to stay strong for him.  So please keep scott's dad, Don Barber in your prayers.

Some fun stuff coming up that i would love for you guys to be a part of if anything is the following:

As much to my objection and Brad White and BIMC family, i love you guys, but it's still hard for me to deal with such large crowds that's going to put focus on us... I wanted to at least share this for them as they have done so much work and have done it with such love. We can't thank you guys enough and are truly truly blessed to have such friends who care, support and love us so much.

Just in case for you guys who dont know or are new to the blog, the BIMC is a motorcylce club that Scott belongs to. They are the Blue Iron's.  They are hosting a poker run for us on April 14, 2012, registration begins at 11 a.m. at Wet Willies in the vista.

Here is the flyer for it. Sorry for the two part but that is the only way i could really attach it was to snip clip it from words.

The next exciting thing is the March of Dimes walk on April 28, 2012. It's a 6 mile walk but for those who know me, know that probably wont happen, but i'm gonna try my best in honor and in memory of our girls. Our team goal is $2,000. Please join our team: Barber Miracles or please consider donating to March of Dimes to help in the fight again prematurity. To join or donated to our team, please click on the link below.

http://www.marchforbabies.org//team/t1862533



Maybe if i type it....

People go to couseling to figure out what's going on in their heads and it's the counselors job to dig until they get to the core/root of the problem  even though that person isn't really saying what they want to say. In my head I battle back and forth how i'm really doing and how i'm really holding up and in my head I never have a winner. So i figured maybe if i type it then maybe my core/root will come out. So here goes...

Just like tonight even at 1230 am knowing i have to be up in about 4 hours, I still can't close my eyes. There has been so many countless nights that when I close my eyes, bits and pieces of the day leading up to us losing Alexis to the day we had to say our final goodbye fill my head. I think when everything happened and still having Mackenzie in the NICU, I had to block it all out. I couldn't let Mackenzie feel/see my hurt and pain because she was still hanging in there for the fight of her life and it wasn't fair to her. But since being home and maybe after having a "good day" I can't help but stare at how peaceful Mackenzie is sleeping and for some reason as much joy and happiness that brings me, it also brings me such saddness and maybe that is what stirs up the memories.
There has been only 3 nights, one being tonight, to where I've actually had to curl up to Scott and have him hold me because I can't stop crying. Most nights i can do it on my own. I've stared at Mackenzie for hours tonight and i'm so thankful to have her to stare out but yet in the back of my head, I know Alexis is suppose to be with her.
I hoped to have progressed some today as I finally filled one of Alexis's hurricane globe with roses that a dear friend engraved for us with her initials and her dates but that was short lived as I pass the pictures I've printed but have still yet to go through of our last final hours with Alexis. Even my sunday visit was different.
I'm not sure if i evered blogged this but I doubt i did as I know i still kept most intimate details to just Scott and I during most of that day but maybe it's something I need to get out. (and although if it doesn't sound complete most likely it wont be because it's still so hard to share such details so I will just leave it at that ) Maybe like most things, it's something I  need to face dead on... On our final night with Alexis, they had us a different room from our original room. As all the rooms in the NICU, the doors all had like a long window pane in there. There was no curtain or anything.  I told Scott that night that there was no way I would be able to hand Alexis off to anyone and I didnt want anyone to take her from me but we both knew that I had to leave the room at some point, so I wanted to lay Alexis back in her bed, all neatly tucked just like how she was suppose to be every other night. I knew that was the only way I was able to leave her and say goodbye to her and that is how I wanted to remember my final hours with her.. As we did such, it took all i had left to walk out that door and once outside i clinged/clutch to the glass on the door with my hand to the pane in such tears..
Today felt like that day of me clingy to the glass... Very rarely to Scott and I go see Alexis in the same car as we always meet there or I always go by myself but today we rode together so i sat in the back with Mackenzie as always. I knew already it was a hard day just dealing with the pictures but I found myself, holding the window as we drove away from her grave site and I felt like i was in the NICU all over again on that painful night.
Its hard describing how i feel when all that comes out of my mouth is that I'm sad. And then it makes me sadder because i dont know why i'm so sad.. I have such this little diva that keeps me on my toes 24/7 but yet I feel that this saddness overcomes me more ... It truly feels like a nightmare that I'm just never going to wake up from.
I feel most times that the root/core of  it all and maybe why I wont allow myself to get to happy is because I feel such guilt for doing so. I feel that by being so, it will feel like Alexis never existed.. I feel like my life is on hold because it wasn't suppose to be moving on with just one little girl it's suppose to be two.. maybe that's what it is, maybe it's guilt that's not allowing myself to get over this "depressed' hump.. maybe it's nots.. I never for one second of any single day ever every feel like Alexis ever existed or that she isn't there.. but yet i dont know how i'm suppose to overcome the guilt to just let life happen...
i think i've cried myself so much tonight that finally my eyes will allow me to sleepf or now with this headache.. so ill leave this as incomplete for now...

Hard Copy...

Mackenzie is just growing and growing more and more each day. Scott and I just stare at her every minute we get and just can't help to beam with how far she has come. And boy is this diva such a daddy's girl. Lets see,, what all has transpired over the past week.

Scott and I went to our very first resturant with just us 3 on St.Patty's Day. It couldn't have been any perfect. You would think we have gone out all the time with how well Mackenzie did. We were there for like 2 hours. We went to this place called Travinia's in lexington, they have the best crab cake by far. And we had this super cool waiteress name Krista. She helped make our special night even more special. She was just funny, fun, sincere, and she just made the overall experience so much fun and enjoyable. I think pumpkin is going to do great out to eat as so far she has not had a meltdown or anything out.. she is more interested than anything.
While at dinner, we were talking to Krista and I was telling her our story and of course I started crying. Some days I can tell our story and I hold up ok, but majority of the time, there are always tears in my eyes. Its hard because everyone always asks us how old Mackenzie is and when i say she is 8 months, we get a strange look like what, really, and then it's like I feel like i have to tell the story to explain and then that's whem the light bulb goes off. But Scott said to me.. "baby if you can't tell the story without crying to strangers then maybe you shouldn 't tell them so it doesn't put them in a odd place".. I looked at him and thought he lost his mind. I told him, i could careless what people say, there will never be a day in my life or a single breath that i wont breathe that i will ever "deny" that I have two girls. Although I do not have one here phyically to show anyone, Alexis will always still be there with me  and if makes someone uncomfortable to see me cry then so be but I feel that i ever "deny" that I had Alexis then i think it will make me feel like she never existed and I never want that feeling.. She still continues to live inside Mackenzie and I truly believe she is the one that i picking me up when i keep falling..

Daddy and Pumpkin at our first dinner

Mackenzie had a doctors appt last wednesday with Dr. Cope. She currently weighed in at 10 lbs 14 oz. I really thought she would have hit 11 pounds by then but i'm pretty sure she has by now. We are excited to say that she also got to start rice ceral. So far so good on it. I tried to make it a little thicker and she didnt seem to take to that too well but she likes it pretty liquidly like and apparently i dont go fast enough for her as she screams when i take the spoon away from her or she grips it to not take it away. She is still teething but nothing has cut through yet.  She is now doing this thing with her tongue where she feels like she needs to stick it out all the time and just lick everything, even the air.. it's too funny as she will be laughing and doing it as well. She is still on the propranol every 8 hours. They want to leave that on her it for at least 2 months and then we will retest for another MRI. So far Dr. Cheeseman is impressed as to what he sees so far but he said he doesn't want her to come off of  it too early just because things are looking good doesn't mean the tumor is completely gone yet. We go see Dr. Williams (heart doc) this thursday and Dr. Chesseman next week so hopefully mackenzie will still continue to show good signs, until then she will just conttinue to be diva..

Pumpkin with her new shades.. Diva..

Daddy with his girls.. (3/25/12)

Diva I swear, "mommy i need one more mintute, I do not wish to be disturb."

I dont think i ever blogged this but for the longest time I've been wanting to print the first 6 months of my blog to have for Mackenzie to always know their story and friends told me about blog2print. Its where you can go there, type in your blog and it uploads it either by range of dates or the entire thing. I'm not ready for the whoele thing to be printed yet but I never want her to forget the first 6 months. Well i finally did it. It's taken me 2 months to debate it as it's been very painful to look back on it all. It just pour more salt on the wounds. Well needless to say, i ordered it last week and it came in yesterday. If you blog, blog2print is a must do. I knew what it was when i saw the box on the front door but it just looked like the elephant in the room ya know..I couldn't find myself to open it yet and i finally did a few hours later once Scott got home. It is perfect in so many ways. It was a very bittersweet moment as I was happy it was here but to relive all over i just crumbled. I wasn't able to go through it all yet just a few pages but I'm so glad that I did it and hopefully one day I will be able to sit with Alexis and read it to her. I'm waiting for that day although i know i'm not strong enough to do it now but until then it will sit in her curio cabinet until mommy is strong enough to tell her own story..

My "book"..

Gone but NEVER Forgotten...

Scott and I actually went and allowed ourselves to go and watch a movie this past weekend, Mackenzie's godmother katie watched her for us so we could. Scott has been wanting to see Act of Valor so bad but when you are married to a police officer, or at least for me, i get a little tired of all the shoot'em/military movies but i suprised him and actually took him.
Needless to say, yes it was another shoot'em volient movie but it was a true movie. Everyone says that law enforcement lives are hard but I dont think anything compares to military life. I would never be strong enough to live that lifestyle and the women and kids who do are truly truly amazing and strong. It touched on one family of how the husband left for a mission when he found out his wife was pregnant and he never made it home.. I just could never imagine. Our military risk their lives to allow us to walk freely each day and give up so much just to do so.. Thank a solider every day...
On the way to the movies Scott and I talked about how busy our day has been with all that we had going on that day and we both wonder what life would be like with having too.. We both agreed how difficult it would be but we would do it just to have our Alexis back. Scott said something that I am beginning to find as a common feeling amongst all angel parents.  Although all angel parents are different we are stilled joined with the same emotions.

Our common emotions: Once the storm has calmed, everyone around us has moved on with their lives and we are all afraid they have fogotten our angels above...

I've heard this from other angel mommies but to hear it from Scott it was different. When i first heard this though for me, I was kind of ready for people to move on. I hate  the "i'm so sorry" look i get from people.. Yes i'm sorry i'm telling you my story in tears and yes it is sad and i'm heartbroken and there is a void but like i told Scott, people are going to move on, theirs lives are going to go on because, Alexis was OUR child.., not theirs, the saddness and void if for us to bear, not them..  but like i told him also, there will NEVER be a day that doesn't go by that I wont speak her name nor will there ever be a stranger that doesn't know that I have two girls and not just the one they see.  This journey was meant for us to walk it for some reason and our dear dear friends will be there to pick us up or hold our hand when need be but it's still the journey Scott and I was picked for.. I wish we weren't the chosen ones but for some reason we were.. This path hurts like no other but as long as I have Scott by myside and my angels with me, I get up everyday to walk it.

Jax- you touched on post partum in my last post.. I've been asked that but I'm not quite sure. How do you distingush between post partum and grief?

I was finally able to get a massage this past weekend, i have a normal massage lady that i use, and the last time i saw her was when i was pregnant. I finally got the courage up to call her and make a appt. as I have still been unbable to face her. I was proud of myself that i did and it didnt hurt so bad when i finally saw hurt. Yes i still cried and still embraced for a long needed hug from her, but her also, she is an angel mommy. She lost her son when he was 15 in a car accident and she told me, you can't rush grief.  There is no true healing when you lose a child, there is no void like no other.. It's been a few years for her but she still struggles at times.. She told me to just look for the signs to know that our angels are ok and I told her about my signs with Alexis. She has had a few herself...She also told me that it has helped to talk about it some and i told her about my blog. Although i dont like talking/dealing with people in person, my blog still allows me to speak and i have found it very theraputic at times..

But i still wonder if i do suffer from some sort of depression or is it just grief.. Am i rushing the process too much..Regardless of what anyone ever tries to "title" my feelings/emotions, the sadness will always be there.. There's nothing in my mind that will ever take that away..

Pumpkin is still just putt putt'in along.. I really think she will be 11 pounds by next week when we go to the doctors office. Just going for our routine follow up... I found now that messing with her little cheeks she laughs more and she now does this continous giggle.. jsut so stinking cute.. her hair is just growing so much also.. it's like this peach fuzz state where i can't put a hairbow in it quite yet but it just sticks up everywhere.. I love every single piece though..i think the peach fuzz is such the cute phase ever.. i"m still waiting for it to turn black but right now, it's still this brownish blonde color.. such a daddy's girl i swear.. i'm loving more and more how she is truly proving her diva status to others so they understand why i call her a diva.. My sister has watched her a few times and this past time, my sister said she got mad when she took her out of my newphews chair cause she wanted to sit in it and then mackenzie proceeded to pee all over her bed then laughed about it.. and then she goes to uncle clays twice a week and he agreed that when she is uncomfortable or gets frustrated, oh will she let you know.. Diva i'm telling you.. she must get that from her daddy also.. :0)

Yep.. It's official..

Just had to share.. It's official...

WE HAVE A 10LB POUND PUMPKIN. MACKENZIE JUST WEIGHED IN AT

10LBS 5.8OZS

omg. this just totally blows my mind. Give or take a few ounces as she had her diaper on but either way, she is over the 10 lb mark.I'm just in shock and aww.. i mean just 7 months ago she came into this world weighing in at only 1lbs 6 ozs, the coffee cup on my desk weighs more than that to know that she now weighs more than my coffee cup.. i'm just in shock.. I am so proud of my little pumpkin and so thankful for my angel above for taking care of her...

Acceptance is hard...

To know me before this journey began, I was the person that was always on top of everything. I felt so together and I was always that planner/go to girl. Since our new journey has begun, I have done nothing but feel so lost. I know people have told me that it's still me but just a new me but day to day I just haven't accepted or found that happiness in the new me. I'm always forgetting things now and I'm just not on top of things the way I use to be. Yes I know im a new mom and I have a lot going on with Mackenzie but I just do not like this feeling of being lost. Part of me feels that it adds to my saddness and its why I'm still not able to move forward the way in my mind i want to. All in all I keep telling myself, i really have to stop pushing myself so hard but knowing that and accepting that are two totally different things.
Along the way on my journey I am getting the pleasure to meet more twin angel mommies and all angel mommies i meet have been a true blessing but my twin angel mommies give me that extra little perspective that I need most days. A dear friend that I've known since middle school started a angel mommt ministries where we get together once or twice a month and just talk and have dinner. We talk through fb messages/phones and we have that connection to where regardless if we talk or not, we know we still stand together. Over the course of meeting with them, although we are all angel mommies it still felt different for me as I had a baby to come home to and the fact it was suppose to be two for me. So for a while now I've been contemplating starting a twin angel mommy group and the old me would have jumped to start a group of supporting and amazing women. I started the SWAT wives group and still in attemping of starting a wives association for the county but yet i'm meeting this new road with such hesistation. And for quite sometime i just couldn't put my finger on why it is I just have jumped on the twin angel mommy group the way I just need to and the advice giving to me by my friend who started the angel mommies but today thanks to my sweet angel above it finally hit me. (This is why I go and see Alexis so much because she just gives me so much comfort and the answers that I need-its truly different talking to her at her burial than anywhere else)
I realized my hesitation has been because how can I lend so much support when I dont have it together myself. how can i tell another mom or bring her comfort when I've yet to find my own. All i can tell her is, it's hard, yes i still cry, sometimes a few times a day, yes although i'm overjoyed with my earth angel, it still doesn't make my sadness go away. Yes i still cant look at a lot of pictures. I still avoid people as i'm not ready to face certain people still.. Yes i still second guess and relive everyting in my head and have nothing but what if's..  I dont know when things will become mangable.. There's not a single day that doesn't go by that I dont think or miss my Alexis.. Maybe I just can't accept the reality of it all but maybe i  just to start with the bits and pieces....

Pumpkin has been doing so amazing. We saw Dr. Cheeseman this past monday and he said everything is looking great. He is amazed with how much her eye has come down. he is very pleased with how things look right now. He said right now she does look a little farsighted but thats semi normal. He checked her refractions which I didnt quite understand what that was. But from what he saw, he said overall she looks great. He wants to keep her on the propranol for at least 2 months before we get another MRI to see if the tumor is gone. He said he doesn't want to come off to early with the chance it doesn't completely go away. So she will stay on the med for another couple months, she gets it every 8 hours which she doesn't like. I think she doesn't like the flavor which we got bubblegum grape this time so i guess we need a different flavor next time. She is such a stinker with it because she does so great when daddy or uncle clay gives it to her but when i give it to her which is most of the time, she shakes her head, or she swats at it.. she has now learned that she can blow bubbles with it to where it pushes the med out of her mouth...

She laughs so much more and loves pulling on mommies hair. She is still doing amazing sleeping through the night. They are still requiring her to stay on the apena monitor while she is on the meds which is fine with us as long as the monitor is not going off every 45 mins. We got to try the bumbo this week as well and I'm not sure how she likes quite yet.. I think she likes but she gives me that "umm.. what is this" look.. but i'm excited she sat in it without falling forward.. 

We have learned that she loves Jake and the never land pirate and barney. I know right weird combination but she gets excited about both shows. I dont think she has reached 10 pounds yet but she is really close. We dont go back to Dr. Cope until the 21st so we wont know for sure until then. It's also hard to believe also that tomorrow will be her last RSV shot for this season. We hope it wont be her last with the next season but they say it's hard for insurance to cover after fisrt year of life and the shots run about $1200-1500 a piece.. I think they must put gold or something in the shot.. i mean gezz..
I dont know what we are going to do come next month when i think we only have one doctor appointment on the calendar next month.. Its just crazy knowing that we are getting to be more of a "normal' family with a "newborn" in each passing day..