Thursday, March 8, 2012

Acceptance is hard...

To know me before this journey began, I was the person that was always on top of everything. I felt so together and I was always that planner/go to girl. Since our new journey has begun, I have done nothing but feel so lost. I know people have told me that it's still me but just a new me but day to day I just haven't accepted or found that happiness in the new me. I'm always forgetting things now and I'm just not on top of things the way I use to be. Yes I know im a new mom and I have a lot going on with Mackenzie but I just do not like this feeling of being lost. Part of me feels that it adds to my saddness and its why I'm still not able to move forward the way in my mind i want to. All in all I keep telling myself, i really have to stop pushing myself so hard but knowing that and accepting that are two totally different things.
Along the way on my journey I am getting the pleasure to meet more twin angel mommies and all angel mommies i meet have been a true blessing but my twin angel mommies give me that extra little perspective that I need most days. A dear friend that I've known since middle school started a angel mommt ministries where we get together once or twice a month and just talk and have dinner. We talk through fb messages/phones and we have that connection to where regardless if we talk or not, we know we still stand together. Over the course of meeting with them, although we are all angel mommies it still felt different for me as I had a baby to come home to and the fact it was suppose to be two for me. So for a while now I've been contemplating starting a twin angel mommy group and the old me would have jumped to start a group of supporting and amazing women. I started the SWAT wives group and still in attemping of starting a wives association for the county but yet i'm meeting this new road with such hesistation. And for quite sometime i just couldn't put my finger on why it is I just have jumped on the twin angel mommy group the way I just need to and the advice giving to me by my friend who started the angel mommies but today thanks to my sweet angel above it finally hit me. (This is why I go and see Alexis so much because she just gives me so much comfort and the answers that I need-its truly different talking to her at her burial than anywhere else)
I realized my hesitation has been because how can I lend so much support when I dont have it together myself. how can i tell another mom or bring her comfort when I've yet to find my own. All i can tell her is, it's hard, yes i still cry, sometimes a few times a day, yes although i'm overjoyed with my earth angel, it still doesn't make my sadness go away. Yes i still cant look at a lot of pictures. I still avoid people as i'm not ready to face certain people still.. Yes i still second guess and relive everyting in my head and have nothing but what if's..  I dont know when things will become mangable.. There's not a single day that doesn't go by that I dont think or miss my Alexis.. Maybe I just can't accept the reality of it all but maybe i  just to start with the bits and pieces....

Pumpkin has been doing so amazing. We saw Dr. Cheeseman this past monday and he said everything is looking great. He is amazed with how much her eye has come down. he is very pleased with how things look right now. He said right now she does look a little farsighted but thats semi normal. He checked her refractions which I didnt quite understand what that was. But from what he saw, he said overall she looks great. He wants to keep her on the propranol for at least 2 months before we get another MRI to see if the tumor is gone. He said he doesn't want to come off to early with the chance it doesn't completely go away. So she will stay on the med for another couple months, she gets it every 8 hours which she doesn't like. I think she doesn't like the flavor which we got bubblegum grape this time so i guess we need a different flavor next time. She is such a stinker with it because she does so great when daddy or uncle clay gives it to her but when i give it to her which is most of the time, she shakes her head, or she swats at it.. she has now learned that she can blow bubbles with it to where it pushes the med out of her mouth...
She laughs so much more and loves pulling on mommies hair. She is still doing amazing sleeping through the night. They are still requiring her to stay on the apena monitor while she is on the meds which is fine with us as long as the monitor is not going off every 45 mins. We got to try the bumbo this week as well and I'm not sure how she likes quite yet.. I think she likes but she gives me that "umm.. what is this" look.. but i'm excited she sat in it without falling forward.. 

We have learned that she loves Jake and the never land pirate and barney. I know right weird combination but she gets excited about both shows. I dont think she has reached 10 pounds yet but she is really close. We dont go back to Dr. Cope until the 21st so we wont know for sure until then. It's also hard to believe also that tomorrow will be her last RSV shot for this season. We hope it wont be her last with the next season but they say it's hard for insurance to cover after fisrt year of life and the shots run about $1200-1500 a piece.. I think they must put gold or something in the shot.. i mean gezz..
I dont know what we are going to do come next month when i think we only have one doctor appointment on the calendar next month.. Its just crazy knowing that we are getting to be more of a "normal' family with a "newborn" in each passing day..

1 comment:

  1. With the births of both of my children PPD came later. Sometime around the 6th month I would feel not like myself. Unusual forgetfulness, blah-like feelings, tiredness and sad, all that other stuff. There was nothing else going on that would explain what was going on with me other than normal post-partum stuff, just occurred a little later, not right after the births of my children, but still within the normal range. I can't help but think that since you are having these completely normal feelings that you are on your way to feeling better, maybe even whole again. The decisions are all yours. You can choose to let your experiences dictate your life or you can take your life back and dictate your experiences. Going through everything you have been through is a big defining moment in your life, and you get to choose how it is going to affect the rest of your life. I hope you choose the one that leads you to a happier life for yourself, your husband and your adorable daughter.