Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Gone but NEVER Forgotten...

Scott and I actually went and allowed ourselves to go and watch a movie this past weekend, Mackenzie's godmother katie watched her for us so we could. Scott has been wanting to see Act of Valor so bad but when you are married to a police officer, or at least for me, i get a little tired of all the shoot'em/military movies but i suprised him and actually took him.
Needless to say, yes it was another shoot'em volient movie but it was a true movie. Everyone says that law enforcement lives are hard but I dont think anything compares to military life. I would never be strong enough to live that lifestyle and the women and kids who do are truly truly amazing and strong. It touched on one family of how the husband left for a mission when he found out his wife was pregnant and he never made it home.. I just could never imagine. Our military risk their lives to allow us to walk freely each day and give up so much just to do so.. Thank a solider every day...
On the way to the movies Scott and I talked about how busy our day has been with all that we had going on that day and we both wonder what life would be like with having too.. We both agreed how difficult it would be but we would do it just to have our Alexis back. Scott said something that I am beginning to find as a common feeling amongst all angel parents.  Although all angel parents are different we are stilled joined with the same emotions.

Our common emotions: Once the storm has calmed, everyone around us has moved on with their lives and we are all afraid they have fogotten our angels above...

I've heard this from other angel mommies but to hear it from Scott it was different. When i first heard this though for me, I was kind of ready for people to move on. I hate  the "i'm so sorry" look i get from people.. Yes i'm sorry i'm telling you my story in tears and yes it is sad and i'm heartbroken and there is a void but like i told Scott, people are going to move on, theirs lives are going to go on because, Alexis was OUR child.., not theirs, the saddness and void if for us to bear, not them..  but like i told him also, there will NEVER be a day that doesn't go by that I wont speak her name nor will there ever be a stranger that doesn't know that I have two girls and not just the one they see.  This journey was meant for us to walk it for some reason and our dear dear friends will be there to pick us up or hold our hand when need be but it's still the journey Scott and I was picked for.. I wish we weren't the chosen ones but for some reason we were.. This path hurts like no other but as long as I have Scott by myside and my angels with me, I get up everyday to walk it.

Jax- you touched on post partum in my last post.. I've been asked that but I'm not quite sure. How do you distingush between post partum and grief?

I was finally able to get a massage this past weekend, i have a normal massage lady that i use, and the last time i saw her was when i was pregnant. I finally got the courage up to call her and make a appt. as I have still been unbable to face her. I was proud of myself that i did and it didnt hurt so bad when i finally saw hurt. Yes i still cried and still embraced for a long needed hug from her, but her also, she is an angel mommy. She lost her son when he was 15 in a car accident and she told me, you can't rush grief.  There is no true healing when you lose a child, there is no void like no other.. It's been a few years for her but she still struggles at times.. She told me to just look for the signs to know that our angels are ok and I told her about my signs with Alexis. She has had a few herself...She also told me that it has helped to talk about it some and i told her about my blog. Although i dont like talking/dealing with people in person, my blog still allows me to speak and i have found it very theraputic at times..

But i still wonder if i do suffer from some sort of depression or is it just grief.. Am i rushing the process too much..Regardless of what anyone ever tries to "title" my feelings/emotions, the sadness will always be there.. There's nothing in my mind that will ever take that away..

Pumpkin is still just putt putt'in along.. I really think she will be 11 pounds by next week when we go to the doctors office. Just going for our routine follow up... I found now that messing with her little cheeks she laughs more and she now does this continous giggle.. jsut so stinking cute.. her hair is just growing so much also.. it's like this peach fuzz state where i can't put a hairbow in it quite yet but it just sticks up everywhere.. I love every single piece though..i think the peach fuzz is such the cute phase ever.. i"m still waiting for it to turn black but right now, it's still this brownish blonde color.. such a daddy's girl i swear.. i'm loving more and more how she is truly proving her diva status to others so they understand why i call her a diva.. My sister has watched her a few times and this past time, my sister said she got mad when she took her out of my newphews chair cause she wanted to sit in it and then mackenzie proceeded to pee all over her bed then laughed about it.. and then she goes to uncle clays twice a week and he agreed that when she is uncomfortable or gets frustrated, oh will she let you know.. Diva i'm telling you.. she must get that from her daddy also.. :0)

1 comment:

  1. Ah, yes, all bad, but still totally adorable habits, come from the other parent.
    I'm not sure how you would separate grief from post partum. Especially since you are going through both of them at the same time. It could change from day to day. The post partum will eventually get better, your grief will always be there. So long as you always look for the sunshine on the cloudy day.