Maybe if i type it....

People go to couseling to figure out what's going on in their heads and it's the counselors job to dig until they get to the core/root of the problem  even though that person isn't really saying what they want to say. In my head I battle back and forth how i'm really doing and how i'm really holding up and in my head I never have a winner. So i figured maybe if i type it then maybe my core/root will come out. So here goes...

Just like tonight even at 1230 am knowing i have to be up in about 4 hours, I still can't close my eyes. There has been so many countless nights that when I close my eyes, bits and pieces of the day leading up to us losing Alexis to the day we had to say our final goodbye fill my head. I think when everything happened and still having Mackenzie in the NICU, I had to block it all out. I couldn't let Mackenzie feel/see my hurt and pain because she was still hanging in there for the fight of her life and it wasn't fair to her. But since being home and maybe after having a "good day" I can't help but stare at how peaceful Mackenzie is sleeping and for some reason as much joy and happiness that brings me, it also brings me such saddness and maybe that is what stirs up the memories.
There has been only 3 nights, one being tonight, to where I've actually had to curl up to Scott and have him hold me because I can't stop crying. Most nights i can do it on my own. I've stared at Mackenzie for hours tonight and i'm so thankful to have her to stare out but yet in the back of my head, I know Alexis is suppose to be with her.
I hoped to have progressed some today as I finally filled one of Alexis's hurricane globe with roses that a dear friend engraved for us with her initials and her dates but that was short lived as I pass the pictures I've printed but have still yet to go through of our last final hours with Alexis. Even my sunday visit was different.
I'm not sure if i evered blogged this but I doubt i did as I know i still kept most intimate details to just Scott and I during most of that day but maybe it's something I need to get out. (and although if it doesn't sound complete most likely it wont be because it's still so hard to share such details so I will just leave it at that ) Maybe like most things, it's something I  need to face dead on... On our final night with Alexis, they had us a different room from our original room. As all the rooms in the NICU, the doors all had like a long window pane in there. There was no curtain or anything.  I told Scott that night that there was no way I would be able to hand Alexis off to anyone and I didnt want anyone to take her from me but we both knew that I had to leave the room at some point, so I wanted to lay Alexis back in her bed, all neatly tucked just like how she was suppose to be every other night. I knew that was the only way I was able to leave her and say goodbye to her and that is how I wanted to remember my final hours with her.. As we did such, it took all i had left to walk out that door and once outside i clinged/clutch to the glass on the door with my hand to the pane in such tears..
Today felt like that day of me clingy to the glass... Very rarely to Scott and I go see Alexis in the same car as we always meet there or I always go by myself but today we rode together so i sat in the back with Mackenzie as always. I knew already it was a hard day just dealing with the pictures but I found myself, holding the window as we drove away from her grave site and I felt like i was in the NICU all over again on that painful night.
Its hard describing how i feel when all that comes out of my mouth is that I'm sad. And then it makes me sadder because i dont know why i'm so sad.. I have such this little diva that keeps me on my toes 24/7 but yet I feel that this saddness overcomes me more ... It truly feels like a nightmare that I'm just never going to wake up from.
I feel most times that the root/core of  it all and maybe why I wont allow myself to get to happy is because I feel such guilt for doing so. I feel that by being so, it will feel like Alexis never existed.. I feel like my life is on hold because it wasn't suppose to be moving on with just one little girl it's suppose to be two.. maybe that's what it is, maybe it's guilt that's not allowing myself to get over this "depressed' hump.. maybe it's nots.. I never for one second of any single day ever every feel like Alexis ever existed or that she isn't there.. but yet i dont know how i'm suppose to overcome the guilt to just let life happen...
i think i've cried myself so much tonight that finally my eyes will allow me to sleepf or now with this headache.. so ill leave this as incomplete for now...