I started blogging at the very beginning because it was something I could do to stay awake at night while I stayed with the girls at the NICU during the night.. Plus it was a way of keeping vistors down and informed as we just had so much love from so many people.
Then as the devastating news and turn of events of losing Alexis, I took to blogging to find peace of it all. I wasn't able to deal with people nor have I ever been able to really ever show any emotions. As time passed, I eventually took to blogging to give Pumpkin her story and to help those who have always felt alone in this world.. I haven't been doing really good in the past year of keeping up with it the way i would like to have been but life events happens so what can you do.. But I honestly feel even though i think it's so cliche, and i hated it so much whenever everyone said it to me when all happened with the girls and losing Alexis, that whole "everything happens for a reason" outlook.. But i've always believed in signs and today i felt like i got the sign that from here on out regardless of what life keeps throwing at me. Just keep writing.. It's no longer my story...It will forever be Pumpkin's story and journey...
Most are aware, but to those who dont really know me, I grew up without my mom. She left when i was two and I never knew who she was till I was about 14-16.. Somewhere around there.. I dont think i saw my first picture of her till i was probably around 10 or so, nor did i have any clue as to where she was.. My dad, nor really anyone else that i can recall ever spoke of my mom...heck to be honest, i dont have a lot from my past. I have maybe a total of 5 baby pictures from my life and that's about the gist of my "history" The only image i ever rememberd of my mother, which for the longest time, i always thought was just a dream but come to find out.. It was actually reality.. Kind of all just became so surreal to me today.. (ill get there shortly) My only image was my mom sticking me and my sister on a airplane with only one black trash bag of our stuff.. And that was it.. For the longest time i never had a clear face.. You know when you dream, that person who is so deseperatly sought always has the fuzzy face, yep that was my mom..
My best friend mom always made up my "mom" and all the ladies at the church made up my "grandmothers" and that was for the most part ok for me.. Yeah it still sucked but hey, you dont get to choose your parents and the events that happen so you deal with it ya know as most kids can only do.. I think really and truly, this is why i am the mother that i am today and will always be. i will never miss out on any of Pumpkins first, i will always be that annoying school mom for as long as she will have me, just being a mom and being there for her I will always bust my ass to do because 1)that's what she deserves and 2) that's what being a mom and parent is all about..
So rewind almost 33 years back.. I think ive touched base on my church quite a bit.. Mt.Hebron UMC.. Well they sponsered our family to come to the United States just when i was 3 weeks old. (Sponsered meaning they rasied money, put us in housing, helped up learn english and provided us with all that we needed to survive in a whole new country) Our church family was our lifeline to better living and a new life. Without them, we knows where my life would be right now.. We could have probably never came to the States.. So as we came to the States, we not only got a new start but a new family and i got "grandmothers'. I had lots of them from the church but the ones who were always so constant was my grandmother helen and grandmother charlotte.
So not to type on and on as i know i can, my grandma charlotte always wrote.. And i thought she wrote a "book" but again, i was so young i never knew for sure. She passed away about 10 plus years ago and it's hard to know it's been that long.. Well today at church, another lady who has a impact in my life, Mrs. Neely,stopped me in hallway and handed me a book. She told me that my dad should probably have this or does have it but i've never saw it nor knew what it was.. But it turned out to be a short book (kind of reminded me of my blog pages book that i printed out for Pumpkin) that my grandma charlotte wrote back in 1994, and each chapter was each decade from the 40's. Needless to say, the 80's, there it was, my "past" summed up in to 10-20 pages..She told me she went through it and marked the pages where it talked about my family and thought that I would like to have it. I didnt look at it till i got home as me and pumpkin did our sunday ritual of going and sitting with Alexis.. But once i got home, got pumpkin fed, i sat down and flipped the pages to the post it notes ripped out and marked for me. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
there it was, the story of when/how/why my mother left us 31 years ago.. followed by the story of the plane ride, with a black trash bag with not only me and my sister, but also my dad and my grandma charlotte.. I've read it over and over today..I've really never told anyone my "dream" of the plane ride and here is this book in my hand from 1994.. I finally have a little piece of me and who i am and what makes up my "past".. It actually felt like i actually had a piece of the puzzle to my life that i never knew existed.. It was just a feeling that its' so indescrible..
So i thought i was gonna only print the first 6 months of my blog.. which i've already done..but to know now.. this will and could be printed for pumpkin to always have.. that makes me putting it all out there for her even so much more worth it to show her, that life isn't just about the surrreal moments but its the life that i have and will continue to give her for as long as i'm able to...