Monday, February 27, 2012

"There are no shortcuts"

So i hate to say it but i might only be blogging once a week. As my days run a little more together, I dont have the extra engery to put into my blogs late at night like I use to. But either way, i will still stay as informative as I have been in all my blogs, you guys will just have to play catch up with me. So here goes:..

It's been a little bit of a emotional week. I finally found some alone time which meant going to the grocery store and needless to say I had a meltdown on the way home. I dont know if it's because I didnt get to see Alexis for our Sunday gathering (mommy was exhausted from week prior and wasn't feeling to hot and it was really bad weather also and couldn't take pumpkin out) but sometimes I feel like it really throws me off.. But it doesn't help either when I have all these reminders and nudges at me. (you will see why as you read along)
Well needless to say after melting downI get home, regroup and actually made dinner. I turn the tv on and first thing (which was my nudge from Alexis i'm sure) Story at 11, Judi Gaston shares her story of losing her first son I believe back in 2005 it said. (for those who dont live local , she is a local news anchor here for one our tv stations and has been for qutie sometime) Needless to say, i had to dvr because i was just to tired to stay up later so i watched it the next morning. It is always comforting to hear another angel mommy speak and regardless of how different our stories are, our emotions are all still the same and it never fails, every time i meet a new angel mommy they always say something that moves m e or something that i've been feeling the whole time as well but haven't said yet.  They lost their son while he was still in utero. She went for a check up and there was no heartbeat. Apparently there was a small kink in his umblical cord.  She still had to deliever and had a private funeral for her son, Deuce in Atl. She stated that after it happen, she couldn't face anyone, that was good to know that i wasn't the only one feeling like that, and she didnt, she took time off and went to Washington to be with her husband..  Her most powerful words that are still staying with me, "there is no shortcut to greif, you got to own it."  I'm finding this so true. Deep down i've tried hard to just keep telling myself that i'm healed this day and i'm healed that day when in reality of things, i'm just lying to myself. I will never be heal as even watching her speak you could still see the pain in a mothers eyes. The pain of losing a child will never go away and that is just something I have to accept regardless if i like it or not.. Even when you have another child,  there will always be a part of you missing. NOTHING can ever replace the pain/void. I am happy to report though, that they ended up adopting a little boy and it was official i think  i recall last year but he is such a cutie and is surround by so much love.  I also liked the fact that they touched on the husband after the story and alot of people i think give sympthay to the mother but yet it needs to be to the mother AND father. I have women to talk to but Scott really doesn't have anyone except me and sometimes i know he tries to keep things from me in fear of me falling apart.  That the man in him, always the protector, I just wish he didnt have to be that way. But bit by bit, i remind him constantly this is our journey and not just mine and bit by bit a little part of him opens.. Thats all I can ask for..
My reminders also this week really hit and I just dont understand. HOw can i not be emotional. 1) Greys Anatomy this week. yeah, it started off with a premature baby at 24 weeks that ended up contracting NEC (which is what we lost Alexis to) and they had to do emergeny surgery and he survived it but then it had me asking "why us then, why our Alexis".. Why couldn't she be saved.. I had to stop watching  right after it began but by that time te damange was already done. Then we move on to private practice 2) and what is on their story line, yep, twins..  Although it was a different complication it was still twins following right after ya know. It's like every time Scott and I go to the doctors office now, it never fails, we always see a set of newborn twins and we are back to the whole "why" of things.I know we will never know why but i still can't help but to ask....

Also this week, my awsome friends hosted me a wonderful baby shower this past sunday (yesterday) we got so many wipes, formula and diapers (as thats all we requested) and it was just amazing. I hated though that we had quite a bit of people who rsvp'ed and my friends prepared for that many people but yet they didnt show but i guess that's to be expected for anything that is hosted.. but it was still amazing and they did such a great job.. i will post pictures of all our loot and what not and the very special video made as well when i get them all together.
But having the shower i think also put me in my emotional week. For most of those who dont know. We were actually scheduled to have this same shower original prior to the girls and i still left the date open for when the girls came but the day it was scheduled, was the day that we ended up having to bury our little angel. (August 20, 2011) Its been hard to say that and i cry even now still typing it. Its' taking me this long to allow my friends to host me one as i've just been so scared and I just have that constant association and it's hard to disassocaite the two. But they did a amazing job and we are very lucky to be surround by such love and support.

On to little pumpkin. She did so good this weekend although worn out from all everything, she was just perfect through it all.. We actually took her out to eat for the first time ever and we went and saw my brother who works at a japanesse resturant. I said if this is her first time, at least she can see her uncle then and she just did amazing.. She enjoyed every bit of it and hated to be put back in her car seat. Then we took her to the shower on sunday and a lot of people finally got to meet her for the very first time. I found the cutest little dress for her and needless to say the hairbow didnt stay long.. And she just worked it.. such a little stinker. pics to come soon.
We started the medication for her eye on tuesday, so far so good. Her eye actually started coming down prior to taking the medince but we wont know for sure until we get another MRI. Right now she is scheduled to take the propranol every 8 hours. She isn't fond of the taste but she takes most of it down. I'ts just a liquid medication that we give her through a syringe (not  the one with the needle, just the other one) She is such a trooper about it though. She got hooked up to the portable ekg monitor on thursday and it looked like a ipod. Thursday was the first night she was not hooked up to anything that would beep or alarm me as her ekg monitor had four wires to her chest so we couldn't hook up her apnea monitor.. needless to say i was up every few hours but it wasn't too bad. Since being on the propranol though after we give it to her at 10, her heart rate (apena monitor) goes off like crazy. Waiting to hear from the cardiologist what he suggest to do and to see how low it is going.. It was quite scary at first but now  i just want to throw the monitor out the window..
We also got to see some of our nicu staff yesterday as we went up there and took them left over food from the shower. Too funny to report that they weighed her real quick and she now weighs 9 lbs 9 ozs.. wahoo..

we are happy to show also that our girls finally made it to the nicu board. In the nicu there is this in memory/honor board. We paid and filled out the form and it took forever and lots of calls but it's finally done.wahoo.. enjoy..

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