Monday, February 13, 2012

I get a little bit stronger....

Even though i know Sara Evans is talking about her divorce in her song Stronger, I can't help but think everytime i hear it, it's my little theme song to myself. Each day, each person brings a new challenge for me and I feel like each moment is testing me to get me where i need to be. Since losing Alexis, I can't help but feel lost and although everyone keeps telling me that I have Mackenzie, no one can truly understand the void until you walk in a twin angel mommy shoes (and goes the same for a angel mommy, but the void is just a slight different when it's multiples) Although my post have been a little delayed than they use to be, I hope to keep this going for as long as I can. Not only as my personal log but for others who I have meet/talked to through this blog who have felt the way i have felt but always though they were alone this whole time. So to those who feel lost and alone on this unknown journey, heres to hope and the future.... Here's my hope/future...

So lets see, all the things that have transpired over the past week or so since my last post:

Two new little angels gained their wings last week. I didnt know the family to  one of them personally but I did get the honor to meet the other one through photos as I  knew his mommy from way back when although it has been a while since we have talked. McKinley Chase Harrleson got his wings after 3 days and I had the honor of attending his memorial service. This was the first service that I have been able to go to since the passing of Alexis and it felt like it was something that I had to do. Not only for the family but also for myself. Without hesistation or thinking, I knew I had to go. It was where i needed to be. Leading up to the service i played over and over in my head and kept telling myself that I wont cry like a baby and I can do this. I had to keep reinfoicing myself that no matter how hard it was going to be i had to go. With the help of two other angel mommies and my very supportive friend Tina, the day came and off we went. I was so nervous and was shaking just walking up to the church, I aske the girls if we could sit in the back just in case.
The program was beautiful as their was a note from the dad and one from the grandmother. It kind of reminded me of Alexis's as we put a poem on the back of hers as well. Then my emotions kind of skipped a beat when i saw there was going to be a video played as well.  As most of you know and if you scroll through, there was a video we put together as well for Alexis's funeral. I told the girls that if they play The Band Perry, If i die young song, then I would have to leave. I am still to this day unable to hear that song completely through as that is what we played for Alexis.  Thank goodness it wasn't the song played but it was such a more cheerful song as it was a song that one of their other little boys picked out i think they said it was from Dolphin Tales. 
I am so PROUD of not only myself but of my other angel mommies, Ashleigh and Jessica.  We held up so good with the exception of the video but we all agreed that the pictures hit home for us as that was just all of us a  few months/weeks ago. We didn't cry uncontrolablly as i think we were all expecting to but I think it brought a new sense of peace to all of us.  We all felt like we were all where we needed to be in support of the new angel mommy as well for each other.  I told the new angel mommy that she was not alone when we got a chance to talk the family and she told me she was glad to hear that. That touched my heart.  Its kind of like, if my pain can bring someone else comfort by me being there or just sharing then maybe that is what all of this is suppose to be.  Through meeting this angel mommy I actually found another twin angel mommy and she told me how she felt alone. I reached out to her and shared her my story and my feelings and she told me that is exactly how she has been feeling.  To hear someone actually say or write what you have been feeling/thinking it's quite a rush all in itself.  It takes moment like these for me to see how far ive come even though everyone is reminding me constantly.. I just can never see it for myself most days.
I was also proud of myself also when i had another lady i met, i did so good in writing telling her our story, ididnt cry or anything as i wrote, but she came back to me and told me that she absolutely loved how i explained to her our story. (we got to talkinga bout kids) and I explained to her how I have 2 kids. 2 little girls, one is our earth angel and our other one is our angel above. I got to meet her a few days later as i was buying something from her and I didnt start crying till I started from the beginning (how i ended up going into labor) I guess because I still can't help think, why am i being punished. I already went through the pain of ivf then the pain of the delievery.. why put me through all that just to add to it ya know.
I am finding more peace with being with Alexis. It mainly opens the wounds so much more when i go and see her and it's a special occassion.But most days now when i go to visit, it's very peaceful and we talk and have lunch together. I dont cry the whole time I"m there like i use to do nor do i feel the need to bring the box of tissues out of my car. I love telling her about the latest new and when it's nice outside, Mackenzie gets to come and sit with us. Everybody keeps telling me though that its just her body out there and that she is always with me.. but thats not what it is for me. I feel like she is with me more at her gravesite than she is anywhere else. Although i talk to her in the car and wherever i'm at, its different when i'm sitting right next to her staring at her headstone, feeling the wind blow when i ask her questions or tell her stories I just feel her there so much more with me.
Oh and also, you guys would be proud, i know most of my friends are giddy for this, but i finally gave in to letting them throw me a baby shower. They are going to have me a dipaer/wipe/formula shower at the end of the month. Its going to be one big one combined so knock everyone out at one time. I'm nervous but excited at the same time. It's just a little hard to get out of my head tha tthe last time I had my big shower scheduled, it was actually on the day we had to bury Alexis. :0(

Also daddy and i got to go out this weekend. The first time in a very long time. Auntie Katie came and baby sat for us. We had so much fun as it was good being out with friends but it was still different as I knew we couldn't stay out past 1 and I couldn't drink like i wanted to. But i had to be up at 530 the next morning to feed pumpkin. I didnt have the luxury like my other friends to have mommy and daddy keep our kids for us the next morning so we could sleep in.. You guys are punks but still love yall.. heheheh.  But it was still good times and needless to say i was still tired..
I had a very busy weekend as my nephew also turns 3 today but his birthday party was saturday at Edventure. Boy was that a adventure at 9 in the morning.
We also got to see our "blonde squad"/ nicu nurses as I got the honor of being invited to one of their baby showers, KatieBeth.  KatieBeth will always hold a special place in our hearts as she has been there and for us with both girls through her "colorful drawings", late night conversations.. She means the world to us and we couldn't be more excited for her first bundle of joy to come.

The ever so lovely KatieBeth

Some of our amazing NICU nurses. We love them so much and Mackenzie was so happy to see them all.

We are happy to report that Pumpkin is 9lbs now.. Yep, can you guys believe it. Well she actually weighed in at the doctors office at 8lbs 15ozs on wednesday, so she just needed another ounce so we are pretty sure she did that over the weekend. We finally got word yesterday that now the cardiologist are going to take over treatement for her eye so hoping this is the week we can start. We also got good news that because her cardiologist feels pretty comfortable, we get to do outpatient treatment and no hosptial stay.. wahoo.. we love dr. williams.
Overall things are great.. She loves laying on her play mat and she just kicks her little legs. She is still getting the thumb sucking thing down although she is trying more for her whole fist now. It's still so crazy to know that there are clothes now that i'm haivng to pass down because she can't fit them anymore. It's just too cute.. She is such a little stinker..
But here's to treatment on her eye soon and us both getting stronger as each day passes..

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