It is so crazy to believe that today our angels turn 6 months old. We have crossed so many milestones good and bad in just our short 6 months that some dont imagine to cross in a lifetime. Today marks a big day, almost as big as their one year birthday. We hoped and yerned for this day as soon as our girls were born and now it is here. I look forward to getting off work today, meeting up with Scott and going and getting cupcakes for our little girls, and sitting with them both and blowing out the candle and enjoying that we made it 6 months in so many ways. Although Alexis can not be here physically to blow out candles with us, i know she will be with us in spirit looking down at us.
In 6 months I've personally been through a lot of emotions. I've looked for so many answers. One angel mom that i have spoken to mentioned that she hasn't ever asked "why me". I feel like I've asked why me every week. I look to others to make sense of it all and to understand. I listen to other angels mom and have watched them tell their stories without shedding a single tear and wonder why i'm not able to do that yet. I've known over the past few months as i type my blogs its with great saddness and negativity and I dont mean to make others sad by my post, but understand that I blog to get it out and to put it in words to hopefully see if a answer comes out of it and yet it hasn't. I know my saddness and pain will never go away but i want to stop forcing myself to be so strong with things when I know i'm not. I want to stop comparing myself to other angel moms and how they cope and push to be like that as i know my journey is way different.
It's taken me 6 months to finally figure out why I can't get pass all these things and it's because Scott finally gave me clarity after we have had so many dicussions of my sadness.
Saturday night we finally got to have movie night and we watched the movie Courageous. If you have not seen this movie it is a must. Suprisinly enough I did not cry but it hit home very much to Scott as well as myself. I didnt grow up in a relgious house or anything but I always still believed that there was a God and I always talked to him when i need to, but in time I'm sure I will learn what it means to "give myself to god". I asked Scott to explain to me as he grew up going to church every sunday and he did the whole sunday school thing and all that. I asked Scott is that maybe why i am being punished is because i haven't "given myself to God"?. Is this why i can't stop crying and is this why I can't be strong like other angel mommies without crying so much. Scott goes, "for you baby it is different, because everytime you look at Mackenzie, you have to relive it all. You always see that its suppose to be 2."
That became my clarity that its ok for me to keep crying and that my saddness will come and go and it's not something that i can just make go away by someone else's action or by their words or by how they react. Its ok for me to sit on their floor and look at one crib and ball because there was suppose to be two and now in the spot where the other crib should have been,there is a dresser. I dont have another child to distract me nor am i without child. I have a child I have a child and I have life and I had 25 weeks to prepare me for 2 girls and life with 2 girls and in just 17 days that gotten taken away from me. My mind set has been a family of 4and we will always be a family of 4 just in a different way. One day my emotions will get in check but I know for this day that it's ok that they are not. Honey- as I know you read this, know that I couldn't do this without you and I never thought i could ever love you more than we first meet but yet i do. We are strong together and we have become stronger through all this. Thank you for holding my hand tight as we walk this journey together. I love you.
just a quick update. In short after weeks of talking to doctors here, they are now telling us if they can't find a doctor to adminster the propranol then they can't treat her. Really?? after weeks of telling us this and that, they are just now saying there is a good chance they can't treat her. So now i'm back talking to MUSC doctor which kind of confused me so as of right now, I"m waiting for cardiologist to call me as it seems like he is really the man with the answers.
Yesterday we traveled to Aniger, NC to see Scotts mom and for Mackenzie to meet her for the very first time. It was her 70th birthday and we got to be her surprise. It was a long drive but we did it. Pumpkin got a little restless on the way home. I got pee'ed on, changing a diaper in the car on my lap without a changing pad is something i dont recommend. :0) It was very good to finally see Scotts side of the family as we have been unable too.
We also got her 6 month pics done as well so i cant' wait to post them when i get them. We are very very thankful to have our dear friend Christie Tull in our life as she has been capaturing more than just memories for us since day one, it was a honor to have her does these as 6 months is truly a milestone. . We are eternally thankful to have her in our lives and as she calls it's , "mackenzie's personal paparazzi."