Monday, January 9, 2012

Grief is so bipolar..

This past week was Scotts first week back to work, and of course he would have to go back and it was 1) his long week (only days off wed and thursday) and 2) he would have to be on nights. So needless to say I pretty much had pumpkin every waking minute. But boy ol boy was she such a rockstar. During the week was a little trying but not as bad but this past weekend, our pumpkin slept every night for at least 7 hours. She even slept longer than that last night because my alarm didnt go over right and i ended up oversleeping. She didnt fuss or even spit up.. It was amazing but yet I am so tired still. I've been running on fumes for the past 5 months i guess my body just got really use to that and now that its slept a little bit, it doesn't know what to do. HOpefully my body can get back into tune. I know that wont be every night with pumpkin but I hope to have more reoccurances with it.
Today she had another eye appointment with dr.cheeseman. We officially got the clear bill of health on her rop. He said there was actually just a small amount still left in her right eye but nothing to worry about so we dont go back and see him for another 3 months. He wants her though to wear a patch over a left eye for 30 mins once a day so that it will her use more of her right eye and get it a little more stronger as time goes by. So now we just are down to seeing. Dr. Cope on a regular basis. I heard back from MUSC also today on getting an appointment to go and talk to some other doctors about her tumor. We get to go and see them on the 24th. I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time about that appointment, so you guys know i will be sure to keep you up to date once we hear.
So i didnt last long on the whole crying thing in my last post. For those who are reading this and dont live in south carolina, New years day brought a lot of tradgey to one family here locally. The Longstreet family were on their way to church Sunday morning around 1040 am when their minivan was hit by a drunk driver.  Their 6 year old little girl, Emma went to be with the lord, their 3 sons were in icu and the husband suffered a broken neck. The mom miraclous turned out to be ok but to have her whole family ripped from her in such pain is just unbearable. But yet through their faith, this famiy is staying strong and they aren't even mad at the 26 year douche bag who hit them and took the life of their one and only precious little girl. They have done some interviews and hold up all of their little girls pictures and do it with such strength. Although the mom did point out and maybe this is what it is for me since we are home and the visits from friends and what not have stopped for now due to our request and maybe cause i dont get out much, but she said something along the lines that right now she is very strong with friends  and family support etc, but when the months pass and everyone and everything has kind of settled, then what.. This mom has suffered such pain and yet is just so strong about it.She does credit her husband as well as being her rock and the same goes for Scott, If i didnt have him through all this, lord only knows where I would end up. We have gotten a lot stronger through all this even though we seem to bicker a lot or just stressed out more, at the end of the day we come together as one and as one with our little pumpkin.
So maybe that's what happening to me. For our nicu life, i had to stay strong. I had to keep going because Mackenzie was fighting hard in there and it wasn't fair to show her my weakness when she was kicking butt in the NICU. I was always surrounded by my nicu family and then being home, it was always scott and I. Now that she is home, and we are back to reality of life and how its going to move forward and overall her health is amazing considering and we are very blessed, but it's hard not to sit back and wonder how it would be like with both my girls. How would life be when one little girl is crying and the other one starts up? There is not a day that doesn't go by that i dont talk/think/miss Alexis, and there wont be a day that goes by that I wont share her memory, but I still can't look at any other pictures besides the 3 we have up without falling apart. Only a few people know this, but before Alexis passed, we got the oppurtunity to have her baptized. One of the nurses took pictures with my camera and I've yet to really even scroll through my camera for new pics. I finally thought i could do it friday night, and I open one of her baptism pictures and i just fell apart. I just held Mackenzie and just cried. My heart hurt so bad. Why did he need to take my little girl..  Mackenzie and I went and sat with Alexis for 2 hours yesterday. I held up ok with the excpetion of the first few moments of getting there as there was another family that just laid their father to rest right near Alexis and the daughter came over and had small talk and comment on how precious Mackenzie was.
I'm sure you guys as well as everyone else are tired of hearing my saddness, heck most of the time i' get mad at myself about it, but i just can't.. Its just so hard looking at life and constantly wondering how it was suppose to be having twin girls and have 2 of everything and dealing with life that way.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure my mom was running on auto-pilot for the first couple of years of our lives. She took care of my sister and I pretty much all by herself, and worked (dad was not much help). Having twins was a surprise for her. I was the surprise. She didn't know until after my sister was born and the doctor discovered another baby; me. There will never be any answers as to why you only got to bring one baby home. There will never be an answer that will satisfy that question for you. That hole/void will always be with you. It will never be filled up all the way but as time goes by it won't hurt as much. Looking at pictures of Alexis and thinking about her is good and will help the heal the hole, but it will never go away and you will never forget. One day Mackenzie will ask questions about her sister and I hope that you will be able to look at her and respond without so much sadness, but with lots of love and a smile. It may be a sad smile but not so many tears. Mackenzie wants you to be happy where you are.
    One of my college classmates had a saying on her computer screen: "May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be."
    I also like "Bloom where you are planted." I always think of it as even pretty things can grow in a swamp. Happiness can grow out of sadness.