Sunday, July 28, 2013


Its hard sitting here and realzing that in just 2 days my little girls are going to be 2 years old.. Where has time gone but then again, will time ever make this feeling ever fade away.. It truly feels like yesterday I was just at the doctors office for my 24 week 5 day check up and thats where we got the first words that everything wasn't looking to good. That was the last time things felt "normal" and "ok" and from that moment on is when my world changed forever. From the doctors, I went straight to the hospital to be put on immediate bedrest. Boy was that not fun but i survived my first 24 hours.. Next 24 didnt go so well. Cerclage happened, Pumpkins sac got broken, puliminary ademina and next 24 hours there are my beautiful precious angels.. It still semi saddens me that I'm only able to tell the story up till Pumpkin was born but after she came, i had to be put under and didnt wake for many hours later. I know i didnt miss the girls first cry as they were so tiny and couldn't cry yet so although I never got to hear Alexis, I think pumpkin was loud enough and does enough for the both of them.
Alot has come full circle in two years and I dont think i'm quite off the ride yet.. But then  again I'm beginning to see and realized, I dont think anyone ever gets off the ride.. You just continue to wait in line for your turn to come and when it doesn't you better make sure you are strapped in as no one has no clue what to expect how ever many times you think you have rode the ride.
We celebrated the girls birthday this past saturday and boy ole boy did Pumpkin have a blast. We did it at the little gym in lexington and at first we were a little hesistant wondering if she was too small  but boy does she prove that size does not matter at all.. (Picutres to come at a later point. have to get them all loaded in) Pumpkin started tumbling right around when she started walking and just got the biggest kick out of and in order for this mommy to keep her birthday party small this year (i'm trying to only go big every 5 years, it i dont then lordy ill need like 5 jobs) so i had to pick a place that would do everything and they limited me on a kids count which was super hard, thus the little gym... Pumpkin was so awesome. She actually listened to everything the instructors said. She boogied more than anything which was such the cutest thing ever.. She has this things where she just starts shaking her hiney and throwing her arms around.. I think she got it from Pocoyo which is one of her favorite shows as her dance kind of resemebles that.. But she just rocked it out everytime the music came on. She had a great turn out as we had 16 kids wasn't crazy chaotic but super fun..
For her actual birthday we will be at the beach which at this moment I'm not doing to well with. My mind has just been all over the place and I wasn't even thinking when i booked it that we actually wont be in town for the girls actual birthday.. That means i'm not going to be here to visit with Alexis and have Pumpkin in my arms at the same time at their birthday time.. And i know, to those who are reading this, they are probably saying "but she is in your heart", it is so different for me.. its not just losing "someone", it's losing half of another person.. On July 30 of every single year, I will always know on this date, I gave life to TWO beautiful little girls but yet I will only ever hold one on this day. That's a hard pill to swallow.. It such bittersweet and who knows maybe time will change but until then.. this is it for me.. We will be about 3 hours out of columbia and I'm trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that Pumpkin shouldn't have to endure a total of 6 hours in the car just for me. She needs to enjoy her day just as well... I've tried preparing myself over the past few weeks to be ok with not being here tuesday by not visiting every sunday like I have been and although hard, tomorrow still comes and that's just what i gotta keep believing in.. These days.. I need something to believe in..

1 comment:

  1. You will continue to be strong. Don't hold on to that guilt about not being with Alexis and holding Mackenzie on one day. You do that every day. Maybe God is showing you that you are ready for some changes, and for more healing, by not being home on their birthday, so you can focus on the happiness of that day. You may not want to do that, or feel that you are ready, but trust God. "...greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." I John 4:4
    I was watching a sermon series online and the pastor said that and it just stuck with me. I love it. And it's true.