Surreal Memories

I started blogging at the very beginning because it was something I could do to stay awake at night while I stayed with the girls at the NICU during the night.. Plus it was a way of keeping vistors down and informed as we just had so much love from so many people.
Then as the devastating news and turn of events of losing Alexis, I took to blogging to find peace of it all. I wasn't able to deal with people nor have I ever been able to really ever show any emotions. As time passed, I eventually took to blogging to give Pumpkin her story and to help those who have always felt alone in this world.. I haven't been doing really good in the past year of keeping up with it the way i would like to have been but life events happens so what can you do.. But I honestly feel even though i think it's so cliche, and i hated it so much whenever everyone said it to me when all happened with the girls and losing Alexis, that whole "everything happens for a reason" outlook.. But i've always believed in signs and today i felt like i got the sign that from here on out regardless of what life keeps throwing at me. Just keep writing.. It's no longer my story...It will forever be Pumpkin's story and journey...
Most are aware, but to those who dont really know me, I grew up without my mom. She left when i was two and I never knew who she was till I was about 14-16.. Somewhere around there.. I dont think i saw my first picture of her till i was probably around 10 or so, nor did i have any clue as to where she was.. My dad, nor really anyone else that i can recall ever spoke of my mom...heck to be honest, i dont have a lot from my past. I have maybe a total of 5 baby pictures from my life and that's about the gist of my "history" The only image i ever rememberd of my mother, which for the longest time, i always thought was just a dream but come to find out.. It was actually reality.. Kind of all just became so surreal to me today.. (ill get there shortly) My only image was my mom sticking me and my sister on a airplane with only one black trash bag of our stuff.. And that was it.. For the longest time i never had a clear face.. You know when you dream, that person who is so deseperatly sought always has the fuzzy face, yep that was my mom..
 My best friend mom always made up my "mom" and all the ladies at the church made up my "grandmothers" and that was for the most part ok for me.. Yeah it still sucked but hey, you dont get to choose your parents and the events that happen so you deal with it ya know as most kids can only do.. I think really and truly, this is why i am the mother that i am today and will always be. i will never miss out on any of Pumpkins first, i will always be that annoying school mom for as long as she will have me, just being a mom and being there for her I will always bust my ass to do because 1)that's what she deserves and 2) that's what being a mom and parent is all about..
So rewind almost 33 years back.. I think ive touched base on my church quite a bit.. Mt.Hebron UMC.. Well they sponsered our family to come to the United States just when i was 3 weeks old. (Sponsered meaning they rasied money, put us in housing, helped up learn english and provided us with all that we needed to survive in a whole new country) Our church family was our lifeline to better living and a new life. Without them, we knows where my life would be right now.. We could have probably never came to the States.. So as we came to the States, we not only got a new start but a new family and i got "grandmothers'. I had lots of them from the church but the ones who were always so constant was my grandmother helen and grandmother charlotte.
So not to type on and on as i know i can, my grandma charlotte always wrote.. And i thought she wrote a "book" but again, i was so young i never knew for sure. She passed away about 10 plus years ago and it's hard to know it's been that long.. Well today at church, another lady who has a impact in my life, Mrs. Neely,stopped me in hallway and handed me a book. She told me that my dad should probably have this or does have it but i've never saw it nor knew what it was.. But it turned out to be a short book (kind of reminded me of my blog pages book that i printed out for Pumpkin) that my grandma charlotte wrote back in 1994, and each chapter was  each decade from the 40's. Needless to say, the 80's, there it was, my "past" summed up in to 10-20 pages..She told me she went through it and marked the pages where it talked about my family and thought that I would like to have it. I didnt look at it till i got home as me and pumpkin did our sunday ritual of going and sitting with Alexis.. But once i got home, got pumpkin fed, i sat down and flipped the pages to the post it notes ripped out and marked for me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.
there it was, the story of when/how/why my mother left us 31 years ago.. followed by the story of the plane ride, with a black trash bag with not only me and my sister, but also my dad and my grandma charlotte.. I've read it over and over today..I've really never told anyone my "dream" of the plane ride and here is this book in my hand from 1994.. I finally have a little piece of me and who i am  and what makes up my "past".. It actually felt like i actually had a piece of the puzzle to my life that i never knew existed.. It was just a feeling that its' so indescrible..
So i thought i was gonna only print the first 6 months of my blog.. which i've already done..but to know now.. this will and could be printed for pumpkin to always have.. that makes me putting it all out there for her even so much more worth it to show her, that life isn't just about the surrreal moments but its the life that i have and will continue to give her for as long as i'm able to...

Lets try this again..

Hard to believe how long it's been since my last post.. To know it's almost a year is a crazy.. I really needed to take some much needed time to myself and I know I said that before but this time it really hit.. Life changing events have happened that I don't care to dwell on for now but in time.. Life hasn't let me off this ride but its ok.. I just keep taking the turns that's keep me going through it.. Its like navigating without gps and with no final destination .. So lots to probably catch up on... So here goes..

Well lets see.. I think biggest thing.. Pumpkin started school this past august.. Yes, my baby is in a two year old half day school at our church.. Hard to believe.. It was harder for me last week to know that I just registered her for 3 year preschool.. Yes everyone.. can you believe.. that little diva is going to be 3.. omg..

Pumpkins first day of school with her sissy..

 

She has totally loved school for the most part.. It was a little too much the first week but she has the hang of it now.. I have been so excited to do things for the class like little goodies bags etc and what not for all their parties.. That's been a huge thing for me as i never got that when i was little ya know growing up without a mom and my dad sure wasn't going to do anything like that.. I love every aspect of being a "school mom." I really wanted and tried to be a part of everything at the school and volunteered when I could but it was quickly learned that Pumpkin will not participate when i'm there. She just wants mommy and gets mad if I tend to anyone else. I don't want her to miss a single thing so I settle for pictures and letters home.. I have a box at home and every week they send home everything they have done that week and I want to keep everything.. even the bad notes little diva gets.. lordy that child..

Pumpkins first ever school picture.. Yes totally melted my heart..

 

 

So lets see, what else.. Pumpkin started speech as well.. We do it every Monday with Erin from Chatter Kids and she is such a huge part of lives right now.. We look forward to seeing her Monday mornings and she has just been amazing.. Pumpkin is still diva and mainly talks when she wants to.. but we are getting there.. In the process of doing speech, Erin and I just realized that she still wasn't quite where she needed to be and started sucking in her air when she started speaking so we started looking into what else it could be.. So off to Dr. Cope we went.. And can you believe.. we have gone months without seeing him. It's so weird going from our every 4-6 weeks to months now.. Well needless to say, he referred us to a ENT and we found out Pumpkin had to get tubes. You know how this mommy is super nervous about surgery so needless to say i was quite uneasy about the whole process but a lot of my friends kept reassuring me and what not but still.. So Pumpkin had the surgery this past dec. Dr. Giles came back after surgery and told us it was actually worse than he thought. He couldn't understand how she could hear if she could (she never led me to believe she couldn't) because she had a whole bunch of fluid in her ears and apparently due to the all the fluid it caused her ear drum to rupture and reheal. It was really quick and simple and she bounced back pretty quick.. Everyone said that i would have noticed a huge difference shortly after but not so much for us.. Although the coolest thing was that you could tell Pumpkin was finally hearing things it seemed like for the first time as when i would turn something on or what not.. She had this look on her face, that was just like wow..

 

Right now we go for follow up every 4-6 months and so far so good.. We saw Dr. Cheeseman as well this past nov. He told us Pumpkin didn't need glasses anymore for now which is good as she wasn't wearing them anyways. heck they barely made it to her head except for the first 2 weeks. Overall she is doing good with that. He still said her right eye was still weak so we tried drops to keep her eye dilated since she was ripping off the patch.. The drops didn't last much longer either as of course once you start school/daycare.. Germ city.. so needless to say, we got sick over the holidays and i didnt want to add too much more on her..Also as well..her eyes were draining really bad to the point she couldn't open her eyes in the morning without me washing her face.. So of course you know me, I made a appt with Dr. Cope and Dr. Cheeseman because when I stopped the drops, there was no drainage so you know i had to cover every angle. Dr. Cope said she could have allergies but hard to say but still see what Dr. Cheesmen said .. So often to MUSC me, my dad and pumpkin went.. Dr.Cheeseman said its rare for the drops to do that but every kid is different so back to patching we go.. and follow up in April.

Wow its kind of hard trying to sum up some 6 months but I know in time i will finally be all caught up..

As for me.. OVERALL.. im doing really good.. It's been an amazing few months even with life changing events.. But it's been good to find a new peace.. Boy has it been good.. I started a new therapist and that has been going really good.. Everything just seems to be falling into line finally for the most part.. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2014 holds for Pumpkin and I.. I can only imagine.. But I promise to do better now at getting back to blogging. I've missed it and the world that it has giving me.. so just stay tuned as always.. Hard to believe that in just 5 short months.. Its been 3 years.. just wow.. wow.. 



Time...

Its hard sitting here and realzing that in just 2 days my little girls are going to be 2 years old.. Where has time gone but then again, will time ever make this feeling ever fade away.. It truly feels like yesterday I was just at the doctors office for my 24 week 5 day check up and thats where we got the first words that everything wasn't looking to good. That was the last time things felt "normal" and "ok" and from that moment on is when my world changed forever. From the doctors, I went straight to the hospital to be put on immediate bedrest. Boy was that not fun but i survived my first 24 hours.. Next 24 didnt go so well. Cerclage happened, Pumpkins sac got broken, puliminary ademina and next 24 hours there are my beautiful precious angels.. It still semi saddens me that I'm only able to tell the story up till Pumpkin was born but after she came, i had to be put under and didnt wake for many hours later. I know i didnt miss the girls first cry as they were so tiny and couldn't cry yet so although I never got to hear Alexis, I think pumpkin was loud enough and does enough for the both of them.
Alot has come full circle in two years and I dont think i'm quite off the ride yet.. But then  again I'm beginning to see and realized, I dont think anyone ever gets off the ride.. You just continue to wait in line for your turn to come and when it doesn't you better make sure you are strapped in as no one has no clue what to expect how ever many times you think you have rode the ride.
We celebrated the girls birthday this past saturday and boy ole boy did Pumpkin have a blast. We did it at the little gym in lexington and at first we were a little hesistant wondering if she was too small  but boy does she prove that size does not matter at all.. (Picutres to come at a later point. have to get them all loaded in) Pumpkin started tumbling right around when she started walking and just got the biggest kick out of and in order for this mommy to keep her birthday party small this year (i'm trying to only go big every 5 years, it i dont then lordy ill need like 5 jobs) so i had to pick a place that would do everything and they limited me on a kids count which was super hard, thus the little gym... Pumpkin was so awesome. She actually listened to everything the instructors said. She boogied more than anything which was such the cutest thing ever.. She has this things where she just starts shaking her hiney and throwing her arms around.. I think she got it from Pocoyo which is one of her favorite shows as her dance kind of resemebles that.. But she just rocked it out everytime the music came on. She had a great turn out as we had 16 kids there..it wasn't crazy chaotic but super fun..
For her actual birthday we will be at the beach which at this moment I'm not doing to well with. My mind has just been all over the place and I wasn't even thinking when i booked it that we actually wont be in town for the girls actual birthday.. That means i'm not going to be here to visit with Alexis and have Pumpkin in my arms at the same time at their birthday time.. And i know, to those who are reading this, they are probably saying "but she is in your heart", it is so different for me.. its not just losing "someone", it's losing half of another person.. On July 30 of every single year, I will always know on this date, I gave life to TWO beautiful little girls but yet I will only ever hold one on this day. That's a hard pill to swallow.. It such bittersweet and who knows maybe time will change but until then.. this is it for me.. We will be about 3 hours out of columbia and I'm trying to tell myself that I will be ok and that Pumpkin shouldn't have to endure a total of 6 hours in the car just for me. She needs to enjoy her day just as well... I've tried preparing myself over the past few weeks to be ok with not being here tuesday by not visiting every sunday like I have been and although hard, tomorrow still comes and that's just what i gotta keep believing in.. These days.. I need something to believe in..

Anger well written..

http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/


The link above, please click on and read..I had to share/repost because the past few months for me has been a huge struggle/journey..A lot has happened that has just filled me with so much anger and this article just sums up so much..
It angers and saddens me with so many people over the last 9 months to the point where i just want to tell them to "burn in hell".. But I believe everyone's karma will have their day, just not soon enough for me.
Oh yes I have a lot of anger because still trying to deal with everything I get more bs added to my plate and people actually had the odasity to judge me and "label me".. 
I knew I wasn't alone in life on this journey , just sad those who i thought should have been there to back me, only stabbed me in the back with a jagged knife..

Grandpa "shoes"

Growing up I never had like a true "grandparent" relationship. I never  met my moms parents and I never had the chance to meet my dad's dad as he passed quite a few years ago. My dad's mom lived in Paris and I met her like 3 times but I couldn't speak to her because she spoke French and some days I feel lucky to just get English right.. :0) So needless to say we never got that whole concept of being "spoiled by your grandparents". I had lots of grandmothers as the church who sponsored us to the USA had some amazing ladies that helped us throughout the years and we did get to partake in some things with them. We even got to go to Disney world when I think I was like 6 or 8..
So for the most part as all of my friends grew up with "grandparents" etc, I never really grasped what that meant and what grandparents love truly is...
So since I never got around to do this sooner after I started blogging back.. I wanted to post (and you will see how all of this will tie into the story).. I have to announce.. HUGE milestone...

PUMPKIN IS WALKING.. YES THAT CHILD IS WALKING CLIMBING AND SEMI RUNNING..

 

 She started trying to get the hang of it back in Dec. and then one day my friend Tina came and brought the kids to come and have lunch with me and just like that as she saw the other kids running, she wanted to be all bold and take her few steps.. from there she just took off with it.. It was the craziest thing.. I feel like she just started crawling and now she is walking and now she is really good at climbing as she throws her leg up and pushes up.. Needless to say she spends a lot of time in the bay window in the kitchen. (Still working on the whole "how to get down" part but she is doing really good and turning around and finding her footing. )

So now that she started walking, we come to the shoe part... of course as diva as my child is, just like how she doesn't like anything on her head, she just as much doesn't like anything on her feet. but we still had to put her in shoes.. Oh my goodness, Pumpkin acted like she didnt have legs when you put shoes on her. She thought it was the end of the world. She wouldn't move, she wouldn't put her feet down if you were holding her.. she just wasn't having it..

It was just the end of the world.. She couldn't move..

 

 

So back to the whole grandparent love.. I never realized having that "grandparent" love, also came with the "I was right, i told you so" parent love handed down. My dad is the only grandparent that lives near us as Scott's mom is in NC and that's about a 4 hour drive so we dont get to see her as much. But my dad will try to come over about every weekend or every other.. The slight mention of Pumpkin needed something, boom, ill have like a pallet of it when he comes and visits. Fort he longest time he wouldn't hold her or even touched her, he was afraid he was going to hurt or something. But lordy now, they are like two peas in a pod when they get together. So of course when my dad calls about everyday only to ask how Mackenzie is doing (I no longer exist apparently) I try to keep him up to date on what's going on.. And then I wait for all of his "fatherly advice" as i know he is going to tell me.. Needless to say I didnt want to keep spending money on shoes that she wasn't going to wear so I researched and found that Stride Rites are really good..$40 later.. yep still not having it..

Oh But grandpa comes overs and brings a pair of white sandals from walmart, $11.. and look who acts like she can move in shoes now..

 

Of course after a walk down the road, I get to hear how I was doing it all wrong and what I need to do .. but i guess Ill take it because at least now for the most part she will wear shoes without thinking its the end of the world. Now i gotta see if grandpa can work on the whole bow thing.. 



 



 



In Just 2 Months..

I just had to post this one as well real quick.. But can you guys believe that just 2 months from TODAY..

The girls are going to be T-W-O.. Omg.. I can't believe I just said that.. I feel like i'm not done celebrating them turning 1.. but now 2.. just crazy..

Her 1st Birthday... wowow

Mother's Day..

Thanks guys for the comments and love/support.. And no Jackie you heard right. 9 year old and 18 year old.. Shoot me a email if have free time and I will explain more.. (tlab99@yahoo.com) just put a subject so that I don't overlook it. I just prefer not to put it on here as for reasons I just choose to not put out there.. But just to clarify.. no they were not mine.. And yes, I seeked out therapy on my own. Although I have abundance amount of support from friends that I can reach out too, it was just different to reach out to someone who never met me, to tell my story, and to feel the clarity that it's ok, that i'm ok.. And for those of you who are hesitant with therapy, do know it's PEFECTLY ok to not like one.. There are tons out there so don't give up if you have a bad experience with one of them. I'm not going to the original one I started with but I picked up and found another one and so far so good.

So hard to believe I just celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day. It really felt like my first Mother's Day as for those who remember, Scott's Dad passed away the day before mother's day last year. So I never got my "first mothers day" or mothers day last year.. And I know I dont need a day to remind me of the Mother I am and the mother i will continue to be.. but I really dont think there is a single new first time mother out there that can really  deny their first mother day as the same as the rest of them.. At least for me.. although I knew I was a mother its just different because that first one marks the day when you start getting the "mommy day cards", the hand and footprint stuff without having to do it yourself, the breakfast in bed delivered by the kid(s). Its the start of the tradition that will go on for as long as the kids will have it ya know.
It was bittersweet this year as the date also symbolized the one year anniversary of us losing Mr. Barber.. The hussle and bussle of the days (my birthday was is two weeks prior to mothers day so he has double duty) leading up kept Scott busy so I don't think he actually thought about it till I brought it up..
The girls (a.k.a Scott) got me a frame that had Pumpkins hand print in it and the picture of her touching her shadow in the wall. I've been wanting to get that framed for quite some time and now it's in a frame with Pumpkins actual hand print.. I couldn't love it more.. It was a perfect gift for the occasion and all I wanted.. I love all the things that over time will display how much she is grown.. To see her little hands and feet from where she started.. I'll never get tired of that.. The day we just kind of spent hanging out... And be prepared to melt when you scroll down as we got pictures done as well for Mommy's day.. Pumpkin of course hates pictures but I guess considering I have about 1700 of them in my phone mainly of her I guess so.. heheeh.. but for the most part she did good.. Still cant' get that little stinker to wear a bow.. I guess I should be happy she wore a dress for me that day.. Its crazy to believe that she is already telling me what she will and will not wear.. when she doesn't like it, she will tug at it and do her little fake cry and pout and try to pull it over her head.. She is a diva i'm telling you.
We went and sat with Mr. Barber that evening.. We don't get to get out there much to see him as its a good 20-30 min drive from our house but we do at least about every other month.. It was very hard to believe that from the last time we saw him till mothers day which was really only about 2 months how many more headstones went up. We literally walked right past him because he was for a while towards the end of the row and now there are literally about 5-8 rows that have been added.  Still hard to believe he is gone but it's comforting to know that he is up there with Alexis giving her a grandpa while my dad is still here with us giving Pumpkin a grandpa on earth and boy is she coming into her own with grandpa.. (story about that one hopefully soon)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!!!

"Mental State"..

Jackie- You got me blogging again for the most part. A lot of my friends and fb followers kept asking me when I was going to blog again and then friends of friends who I haven't met before asked about blog so when you finally wrote (and we have never met before-or not that I recall at least), I was like ok.. I really do have people who still want to know so that got me kick started again so thank you..  (you know I still cant' figure out how to comment so that's why ill do it in my blog.. heheh)


     As I realize each passing day that my blog does get read and it amazes me on so many levels that i'm forever grateful to you readers and as long as it makes a difference in just one persons life, well that's good enough for me then ya know. So here's to this blog because it blew my mind...

I ran into a friend over the weekend who I haven't seen in a while because for the most part with people over the past few months, I just went off the grid for a little bit. I really needed to regroup and there were just some people who over time I started to see their true colors. So really I was just in touch for the most part with my true closest friends until each day passed and I'm slowly coming into my own which is so out of form for me to even go out of my norm.. But as most didn't understand, I truly changed as a person. I changed when I went through IVF, I changed once I gave birth, I changed when I endure NICU life, I changed when I lost Alexis and to where I'm at this day, I changed into the best mom I know how to be for Mackenzie and for as long as that little girl is with me, nothing will ever change that.
I've been such this person for so long who for the most part before the girls, I had my crap together. I could do a million things at once and not slow down and it be ok. I always vocally put everyone first as well as their task that they needed help.. I can't recall one single person that really can't say that I haven't been there for them in one phone call regardless of where I was at in life for them. I took care of everything and valued the things that I did or represented because my name was on it.. I always took things on knowing how busy I already was but it was hard for me to say no to do things.. That was just me. I needed to stay busy..
Well then the girls came along. My world got flipped upside down in a matters of minutes. It was quite the ride and it still is.. But I started realize as each day passed in the NICU, I wasn't attending anything, everyone gave me my space I needed for the most part, I settled into what would be my norm for 108 days..I didn't care to be as connected to everyone and everything like I use to.. Blogging helped because it reached everyone in one sitting and that was good enough for me.. Then Pumpkin came home and that was my life for the next month and half.. Still no "outsiders" as we settled in to being a family and pumpkin immune system wasn't built up quite yet so we didn't allow anyone to really visit.. I stayed home for the rest of the year which was only about a month and half of pumpkin coming home and returned to work in Jan. And that's the days to where "LIFE" really started happening.
 I began to start learning to say no.. I'm not  quite as bad as I use to be about taking on things but I find myself saying no more. I'm finally allowing myself to ask for help and accepting it which those who know me know how hard that is for me. Hell I even started seeing on a therapist on my own.. The only medication I've taken or have needed is just my anti anxiety as I've had to leave pumpkin for the first few times and for the other things that have transpired in my life in the past few months and ambien to help me sleep when I need it most but all of these have been by choice.. Not because some (non doctors/therapist included )perspective feel it's needed and they are only taken by choice. Because why? Because this is still MY life and I still plan to be in control of it. My "life" wasn't my "life".. It was my girls.. I didn't change because of them, I changed for them and they changed me and made me a mom and that is what I owed to them.. A mom.. The woman who will do whatever it takes to meet their needs, to stand by them and be strong, to not let emotion consume them when life gets hard even if that meant only a few hours of sleep, to provide whatever necessary that they needed.. The person to show them the way, to guide them through life until it was time for them to do on their own.. Being a parent isn't about what you want to do anymore or what you use to do all the time.. it's about creating new moments/traditions as a grown up to a little person who at some point your actions are going to effect them in the decision they make for their own lives.
Before the girls came along, I really never knew what that meant with all my other friends who had kids and to me it just seemed like they had no time for the old ways anymore.. and now actually having the girls, I realize it's not about having time for the "old ways", it's about enjoying and cherishing every minute of what your kid does because before you know it, you go from almost losing them to them being 2 in just a matter of a blink of a eye.. The things that use to be important to you are no long as important anymore because if you can't do it with your kids then how can it be important if you exclude them.. Its about making "new ways" for the next chapter in your life because your book of life doesn't end until you go through the pearly gates above.
So to those of you who have "questioned" my "mental state" and have "judged/diagnosed" my "mental state" on your own, GO SCREW YOURSELF.. I don't need you to understand nor did I ever ask you too.. It's no different than any other situation in life, until you experience it on your own, then you have no clue.  I would love for you to walk into my shoes.. hell you probably couldn't even last in my shadow..  To experience the last 2 years that I have and for the most part, there are only a few of you guys who have seen me truly "crack".. I have yet to label myself as a "victim".. I ask why to myself yes everyday but I don't  seek pity as others do in situations.  I put my life out there to not only help me understand but I'm beginning to find out also that the things I have said or done or have experienced, i'm not the only one going through it.. I'm just able to be vocal about it when others are not.. So  Forgive me if I can't tell my story of my girls without being emotional. Forgive me if I look so tired and ask for a break considering I went from having no kids to having a newborn, a 9 year old and a 18 year old... Forgive me if I can't be at 10 places at one time because I had to be there for a dying father-in-law  and all the stuff that came from that.. Forgive me if I ask to much of my spouse of not allowing him to go and enjoy himself when I can't even take a shower.. Forgive me having to be at every doctors appointment for my child and picking up every single prescription and running out of time at work.. Forgive me for just taking care of my daughter and putting her first.. Forgive me for doing all this while still not processing the loss of my other daughter  and everything that came along with this pregnancy.. Forgive me for standing on my own two feet and still going through all my personal struggles while still giving my girls the best damn mother they deserve without even checking out for a second.. I may not be the person who some knew me before hand but Ill be damn if I change the person who I am now for others beside my kids because the last time I checked, I'm proud of the person who I am and all that I still overcame.. Life has yet to break me for the most part even though it's trying really really hard.. but I have that little girl that laughs at me and smiles when I pick her up and gets so excited to see me and just does something new every day that just makes me say "thank you".. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life.. Thank you for choosing me..

Resurfacing..

Sorry blogging family.. It has been 7 months or so since I last checked in..wow.. where has time gone..I apologize for being disconnect, I have had to deal with some personal issues that I dont want to divulge into but it has taken quite the toll on me over the past few months and i really just needed to take time to step away from things for a while. Things continue to still be a day to day journey but I'm better.  I hope to get back on track with life, blogging/updates from here on out.. Since the girls were born, life has taken on a whole new journey of "self journey" that I never knew i would have to take or could handle.. But the girls are with me everday and that's all I can ask for.... so enough about that.. wow.. I have 7 months of catching you guys up on Pumpkin so here goes..  We have quite a few milestones/amazements that have happened now.. So hold on.. here we go..

December we had pumpkins eye surgery.. We are still traveling to Charleston to see Dr. Cheeseman who is still amazing.. Pumpkins surgery was done at MUSC so me, my dad, and Pumpkin went down the  night before so that we didnt have to get up so early.. The surgery was to correct her "crossed eye" look (mainly where her right eye was turning inward-i forgot the medical terminology- but its common in preemie babies) but when Dr. Cheeseman went in, he found that both eyes needed to be fix and that there was actually more tug on her left eye. Pumpkin did so wonderful. It was hard because I had to watch the nurse carry her away to prep her and it took about 45 mins for surgery all together then about a hour in recovery and to home we went. The next 5 days, pumpkin just needed drops in her eyes and she bounced back pretty quickly.. There were no issues with/during/after surgery. We had a follow up 6 weeks after and got the clear to now get check ups every 6 month.. wahoo.. We dont have to go back to Charleston until July. But overall Dr. Cheeseman was pleased with surgery and Pumpkin will no longer wear her glasses so we shall see in the next year or two to see if we need surgery again..

Pumpkin right before surgery..

Pumpkin the day before surgery, this was right before we hit the road, this was her first time i ever saw her play in a shadow and it truly took my breath away..

Pumpkin after surgery, on the way home..

December was very busy for me, between getting ready for Pumpkin surgery, my dear friend Tricia getting married as to which i was a bridesmaid, and the other stressers in my life, we also had 1 of two big first.. First big first.. Pumpkin had her first haircut.. :0(.. I really did not want to cut her hair but after surgery her bangs just kept getting in her eye and i didnt want it bothering it anymore  so off to my stylist we went.. Pumpkin had her first haircut.. She hated it.. She liked she got a sucker but when she started cutting, you thought it was the end of the world..

her before and after, of course with her sucker..

I dont want to overload all her cutest i in one day so ill leave it on this her first hair cut day.. and i promise, i will start updating much better over the next few days on catching up and getting to where we are today.. enjoy for now and sorry again for falling off the grid..



To another year..

I'm sure as most parents cherish every milestone and every annivesary to things, i truly believe though that a preemie's parent/nicu parent, milestones and annivesaries take on a whole new meaning. It shines a different kind of light than a "normal" birth/child/milestone.. The way you remember things from each day to each milestone, just in a instant can take you back to the beginning days where every second of every day you were thankful for as that represented another second your child breathe and another second that passed closer to hours to days of taking your baby(ies) home. One less second of monitors beeping, one less second of worry and the feeling of being scared, one second of a miracle..

Today believe it or not, which it took me a bit when i first woke this morning for it to actually hit.. but believe it or not, today marked the 1 year annivesary of when we got to bring our girls HOME.. It's been a full year that Mackenzie has been out of the nicu and Alexis's phyiscal memories close by for us to see everyday. When Alexis's gained her wings, the nurses put all of her things in a baby girl box for us and it stayed in the closet in Mackenzie's room. I didnt want to bring it home as for me it felt like i was only bringing one baby girl home when i needed to bring them both home at the same time. I really couldn't even bear to look to see what all was in it.. It was very hard.. I think i only went through it once or twice and it was close around Alexis's funeral and that was the only time I could watch her tribute video as well. I only had the strength to do so around Mackenzie.

A year ago today, Scott and I woke up, very tired because we had to do our 24 hour stay that week end before and just didnt get much sleep. We go to the hospital and we waited.. We started packing all of Mackenzie's belongings and we really didnt realize how much we had till we started packing everything up. It felt like forever.. We had to get all the paperwork done, we had to get cleared with the oxygen tank people.. We thougth we were gonna get to go home that morning and then that mornign turned into that afternoon.. Hospital policy was either they could roll your baby out in the "crib" thing or you could carry your baby out but you had to be in a wheel chair.. For me this was such a bittersweet moment. The moment new moms are so excited about holding their newborn babies and getting wheeled out of the hospital with all the balloons and flowers.. i had this moment 108 after my girls birth and I did get to carry my girls out just in a different way and also what felt like the whole house packed with me..

 

 

Our first stop of course was for Mackenzie to visit her sister and then on to her real home.. We got home and Scott and I looked at each other in shock, amazement, saddness, scared all in what.. It was kind of like that "now what, omg" feeling.. We got Mackenzie all hooked up to her oxygen, pulse ox and apena monitor and then we just sat there. First night of sleep didnt really happen. We were so use to the nurses always being there and doing her every 3 hour feeds.. Now it was just us.

 

A year later and it's just us.. It's been amazing how far we have come.. Every day has brought a new challenge that pumpkin just surpassess and everyday i still look at her and cant believe she is ours.. We went from 7 doctors to 2 doctors, the only machine ever next to her that makes noises is her ipad. She is crawling all over the place. Instead of 2 oz bottles we are 8 oz bottles. Scott and I are still and probably will forever be figuring out how to be parents. We both sleep through the night for the most part.. Before it was the worry sleep, well after the first few days.. Then we became too dependant on the machines. We knew if something was wrong, one of them was going off..  She is eating table food now and also has teeth (which i found out by her biting me) We get to take her all over the place now instead of secluding/confining ourselves to the bedroom..She babbles all the time now.. ( i think she gets that from daddy.. heeheh) She has the fattest little thighs and she is wearing size 9 month clothes compared to preemie clothes.. The only thing connected to her similar to wire wise is her paci..She puts her hands up like she is telling you no, giggles at everything.. She is evening beginning to kind of wave like.. She pulls up at everything and i love it when she crawls up to my feet and pulls up and hangs on to my legs from there..

Today we went to see Dr. Moore, my ob, as we have not see him since my 6 week follow up after giving birth and he never got the chance to see the girls in the hospital as he wasn't there for the delievery but he's been with us from day one of trying to concieve so that as just a added bonus and the look on his face.. it was quite apparent of how far we have come and how happy he was to how far we have come and overcomed.  To the year and the next 100 more to come..

 

 

Our Diva in just one year..



 

 

 



A different Halloween

Its still so hard to look back and see that it was only last year we were spending Halloween in the NICU and sorting through candy that people had brought us and also the big bag we brought up for the NICU nurse. To us it was still just another night spent in the NICU while the outside world was having fun, living their lives.  I scrambled to find something to fit Pumpkin as we e finally got to put clothes on her so of course i had to dress her up..I knew i wanted her to be a pumpkin only because of how fitting it was but i also wanted something for daddy as well and i knew if we were to ever have a girl, a Duke cheerleading outfit is a must.. So I scoured the internet trying to find stuff small enough and found that people with preemies also used Build-a-bear outfits.. I was like no way.. But of course.. it fit our little pumpkin.
I couldn't believe when i saw the little cheer outfit, that was the closes to Duke blue that i could find but it was perfect then Auntie Katie found her the perfect little pumpkin outfit..  She loved the pumpkin oufit.. she layed in it for quite some time actually..

This year, she got to be batgirl. I wanted to think of something different but also something that related to daddy.. For those that dont know, Scott's SWAT Team logo is the batman symbol, so I thought, how fitting she could be "batgirl".. :0)  (and also cause the wives of the swat team are named "operatorettes" since the boys are "operators" so we have batgirl shirts as well- so she also got to be my little mini me..hehe)This year we were quite busy with Halloween stuff but pumpkin didnt get to go trick or treating quite yet because she was actually sick. We had to do trail of treats before and the weather was just completely horrible so needless to say she caught a little cold, but we stayed home and handed out candy which she seemed to enjoy looking out the glass door..

I know my little pumpkin has come so far and watching her everyday never seems to amazing me.. but when i put pictures together, it still brings such tears to my eyes.. It melts me in so many ways it's just indescribable.  So for those who have followed our journey from the beginning, I hope you enjoy this picture as much and it melts you the way it did me..

Pumpkins 2012

Our church did family night about two weeks ago and i'm just now getting around to sharing these pictures.. Scott was out of town this weekend so we tried to get out and do as much as we could to keep us busy and our minds off the fact that daddy was gone for the first time since the girls were born.. It was quite different but i was very successful in staying real busy and the weekend just flew right by..

I really do not know why these turn the way they do.. sorry.. If someone can tell me how to roate them on the blog that would be awesome.they had to be rotated when i saved them.. maybe i shouldn't rotate to save them from the download of my iphone.. mmm..

National Infant Loss Day..

Today is National Infant Loss Day. Please join Scott, myself and Mackenzie in lighting a candle at 7 p.m. for one hour not only in honor of our daughter Alexis but in honor of all babies who lives were too short on earth. We will be with our little angel tonight lighting ours with/for her if rain holds off. For those that do, please send me a pic or tag me on facebook to show a wave of support. Thanks.

Oh the crud

Well the crud has infected the barber household times 3. First daddy gets sick. He goes to doctor on Tuesday and starts his meds. Mommy gets sick Thursday and goes to doc, gets two shots in the hiney and calls it a day. Pumpkin gets sick on Friday and goes to doc. Thank goodness for insurance. Well if not a week later daddy and daughter want to both copy each other and both get worse and both end up back at doctors a week to date both with sinus infections. Lets just say one tired mommy. Well as daddy and pumpkin start looking on the upside , my bronchitis decided that it was only taking a mini vacay and boy did it return with a vengeance. So needless to say I ended up back at doc this past wed feeling the worse I've ever felt in a long time and since I just had the "quick fix" shots a week prior, it was too soon for me to get them again. So needless to say, I was in bed from we'd till this past Sunday. Oy vay, we are all looking up on the bright side. I just can't shake this nasty cough I have and pumpkins is more so teething.
We can see two little white teeth on her bottom gums but they have still yet to break free. She is crawling more like she is a master pro at it but more so also she is trying to stand up on her own. She is pulling up on everything and she lets go for a bit but loses her balance. She will now also walk if you hold her hands which is the craziest thing.
Hopefully next post I can figure out this new iPad and how to save pics from my Fb page and I can shoes her lastest peek a boo pic to where she is now beginning to stand/pull up.
Besides all the sickness, all has been pretty well in the barber household.  Haven't had much chance to do or focus on anything else but hopefully soon.. Can't wait to share pumpkins Halloween outfit so stay tuned.  :0)

And heres to surgery..

We went for our follow up eye appointment this past tuesday.. and yaay it was with Dr. Cheeseman. He ended up going to MUSC which is not a bad drive for us at all but we would follow that man anywhere.  We went to the goose creek office which is about a hour and half give or take traffic. He is quite please so far that the tumor has not come back being off the meds now for almost two months.. But now he wants to do a "surgery" to help correct a weak muscle from the the tumor and her prematurity in the right eye. If left untreated she will be crosseyed in the long run. What he wants to do is go and cut under her eye, pull the weak muscle back and pull a stronger muscle over it. He said that if the weak muscle continues it's just going to tell the brain that it doesn't want to work anymore thus the cross eyed look. It will be a outpatient surgery, done in about a hour or two and he said she should bounce back by next day.  We go back in nov for a follow up or we can decide to go ahead and do surgery.
We have the option of trying to continue to strenghten the muscle by her glasses and patching but our strong will child is having nothing to do with either. So most likely surgery is in our future. I've spoken with other moms who have had the surgery and they have had good results and its not as bad as it sounds.. But you know us and the word "surgery" just never sits well nor do i think it ever will..  It will always be in the back of our head of how we were told Alexis needed to go in for surgery and not even a hour later, we get the bad news.. I think life stops for a brief for scott and i everytime we hear that word..
Overall pumpkin is doing well. She has had a little crud this past week but Dr. Cope said that it's not settling in her chest which is a good thing but it's a combination of her still teething and just a little virus going around. I actually had to make my first "sick baby" appt last week because she just had this little congested cough and daddy and i have both been sick as well so wanted to be safe than sorry. It was so weird and i felt like such a bad mommy cause i actually sat in the "sick baby" area as well at the doctors office..  For those who dont know, most peditrician office has a "well baby" area and a "sick baby " area.. i"m glad though we were the only ones in that waiting area and we got called back pretty quickly.
I did feel pretty proud though when we got a nurse we haven't seen in our past few visits here (we had her early on) and she was amazed about how big pumpkin has gotten. She weighed in at 15lbs 12 ozs..Hard to believe that i will have a 16 pounder on my hands before i know it.  She has been eating so well and i've even been given her table food. only soft stuff though that she can still mush as no teefeys have come in yet.. She loves her some puffs and her mums mums as well..
She is crawling all over the place now and she thinks mommy is a jungle jim when it's time to lay down. She is pulling herself up way more and has also figured out how to turn around in her high chair thing that attaches to the table and stand up in.. Lord help us..  :0)

Sergeant Daddy

Sorry that it's been so long since my last post. it's been quite the month. A lot has happened so to speak and then time has just not been on my side..  But most recently and it's because i want to shout it out... I am so proud of Scott and all the work and time he has put in  and through all that lifet has thrown at us, his hard work has paid off. Last friday, Mackenzie and I made our morning call to daddy to check in with him.. and he just nonchalantly said, " Mackenzie, you can call me daddy  sergeant now" and i was like what.. huh..

Yep, Scott got a promotion. He went from Master Deputy (next after sgt. on a shift) to Sergeant over his own shift.. He started this past wednesday and boy did they move him quick. He is a little bit further away from home but we couldn't be more proud of him..  We love you so very much Sergeant Daddy. So be safe out there..

Sergeant Barber

Pumpkin has been doing good. The last I weighed her on the scale, she was 15lbs 6 ozs.. She is eating so much more these days.  She only cares for the bottle in the morning, the rest of the time, she could careless. She wants her baby food and rice ceral and her puffs which she has now figured out how to eat properly.  She is crawling also.I really thought she would walk before she crawled but apparently she is a electronic baby and took off when i put the dvd player down on the floor with her.. I can't upload the video for some reason. :0(

She still wont keep her glasses on, but we go to Goose Greek  and see Dr. Cheeseman in two weeks so that will be good to get a update with him and to see where we are out. So far the tumor doesn't show signs of reappearing as she has not been off the meds for a little over a month. She has now gotten to where also she wakes up in the middle of night and wants to lay with mommy so needless to say i give in so that i can get a few hours of sleep.. Overall she is doing really good.. still being a little diva. We got to do our first parade this past labor day. Scott and his motorcycle club road in the chapin parade so we tagged along and rode in the truck and threw out candy. She had a blast but it was so hot.. she was just stinking cute as always.

We have a new biker babe!!

Hanging out before it all begins..

I love my daddy time..

I want to drive daddy, I want to drive





As most of you guys know as well, last months was Alexis's anniversary.. I took some days off from work just because i really and truly didnt think I was going to be able to cope. It was hard knowing that it has been a year and that we had to celebrate her death/life at her grave marker and not have her in our arms. I really thought i was going to wallow and just stay in bed all day.. But to my surprise, I wasn't. She was with me the whole day and she kept pushing me to get up. She pushed me not to be sad. She pushed me to get up at my usual time and feed Mackenzie and with doing that and having Mackenzie in my arms, it made me rejoice because to hold her and to just stare at her, she has come such a long way and that's what we need to rejoice in and not be in saddness because although Alexis is not on earth with us, she is living with and in us..

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY!!!

Can't believe we have come a full year for our girls.. Still seems like yesterday we were bringing them home from the hospital.. We celebrated their birthday in full diva mode.. We had a swim party although it go rained out pretty much, i dont think that stopped anyone from having a good time as we had so many people that came out and celebrated with us. We ran out of amazing food that we got catered from Bailey's Eatery in Chapin and Mackenzie loved her cake. Needless to say she was pretty wiped out and we are still working on opening up all the toys she got.
We are also happy to report that we also had our one year check up.. So not cool as she had to get shots.. Mackenzie is weighing in at 14 lbs 10 ozs. She is completely monitor free and medcine free. We officially got cleared from our cardiologist. (not sure we are going to know how to act not having to go every 30 days) So life is still pretty surreal right now that we actually have a "normal" baby..  Thank you to everyone who loves us so much and still continues to give us so much support as we still continue on this life of parenthood.. The day has been bittersweet as any celebration is i think from here on out, but as you will see in the pictures we still incoporated our sweet little angel alexis.  Im not looking foward for her annivesary to come.. I wish i could just take two ambien's and not get out of bed but i know that's not a option.. (sorry for sideway pics.. i dont know why it does't that)

Birthday Food..

Balloons for Alexis- our friends wrote messages we sent them to her..

True Diva.. :0)

She loved her cake..

So excited to see some of our NICU graduates that came as well..

They all were in the NICU together and now look at them..

Birthday time with sissy..

Daddy and his girls..

Mommy and girls..

Our family birthday message to Alexis..

Had to go and visit the nicu on their birthday..

This truly touched me as this is the memory board in the nicu, and as we were chatting with one of the nurses, Mackenzie reached back and started touching their names..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRLS..

I have faith, and her name is Lynne...

I've been meaning to post this for quite some time but just haven't had the chance to.. And i really dont like doing two post in one night but i figured if i didnt do it now then I would just lag again and this is something i've been wanting to share for quite some time. I wanted to put this out there as going through this whole journey and talking to people, I've realized that some in our position feel alone and I hope for those who read my posts know that they aren't and that there are other people out there that feel so much of the pain as well.  So here's to this powerful post..
Lynne has been my friend since 1st grade when she asked me to be her friend at B.C. Grammer School in the library. Our brothers were friends first and so we figured that since they were friends, we needed to be friends. Lynne and I have walked different paths of life but regardless we are still there for each other when we need it.  A few years back, Lynne lost her best friend, her brother passed away due to sickle cell.  We've never talked about it much then, but she has been my angel through a lot of my hardest days. And the craziest part about it, it's not like it was something I called her and said, "hey lynne, i'm having a really bad day can you come and comfort me", I guess i need to back up some, when we came home from the hosptial we didnt allow anyone to visit until March as that is when flu and rsv season was over. So once we had our baby shower, i had a calendar set up as to when people could visit so i didnt want to get overwhelmed with guest. So Lynne signed up for a good bit of dinner nights.. And some way, my worst days always happened on her night. And she never knew it until we got to talking. Over the past 2 years i believe, Lynne has gotten into church and has made it a huge part of her life and i love how it has made her glow. Lynne use to be paralegal at a pretty big firm here working 16 hours a day to now being  the childrens program director i think it is at her church.. She is the perfect example of someone who has truly found her calling and she is truly where she wants to be..
Through this all, Lynne doesn't sugarcoat it for me. She helps me understand it. Everyone keeps telling me God has a plan and some say instead of asking why, we should ask why not i, others tell me faith will get me through this all.. And for me i've struggled with all of this.. I go to church and i've prayed and everything but it still doesn't change anything to me.. I have never been as devoted as I probably should be but it's not like i deny Christ or anything... Anyways, the past few months, I've been having a really trying time. From all the stress of Scott's dad and the extra stuff we have had going on with things that have stemed from that from Scott's schedule to never getting a break.. some will probably tell you that i've teddered on the line of depression but i still got up every day and did it... One night i was at my worse and scott was working.. my biggest struggle was how do i get through all of this.. how do i heal past this pain. Scott says his faith keeps him going and to me, I still dont understand how that is.. So out of all my closet friends.. Lynne is the most "church like" one so i figured she would be the best to break it down for me without scripture and throwing the bible at me.  So this time i did call her, she didnt answer so i sulked for a few hours, finally she called and we go to talking and then her phone died.. Crazy enough she was around the corner from our house and just stopped by at 11 pm.  Here's my most powerful conversation that I have to keep replaying in my head and that reminds me to get up July when i'm on the floor balling with such pain...

Lynne said to me (not exactly word for word but for the most part) Its ok to ask why and she did refer to a scripture i believe that even said in the bible ask why,and even though I may not have felt "god was there with me", he has been and I have to look at the good that he has brought out of this. He has given us Mackenzie still and she is stronger everyday considering all the odds, Scott and I have become a lot stronger as a couple, this journey has gotten us back in to church, it has brought a community together with so much support and love, our girls have changed lives with so many of our friends.. But I'm like yes, lynne i see all of that but its still so hard because the day Alexis passed,  I was so strong, we had to make that decision to let her go and we made it and I really didnt lose it until that night when we had to walk out of that room and that was because I saw Alexis in so much pain and connected to so many wires that i didnt not want that for my sweet angel  for my own selfnish. But now it hurt so much and i feel so weak because all i see is the emptyness without her and her beautiful headstone and the grass shape of where her body lays.. And she said to me..

"july, through all of this god has made you a mother and you have done soo much for your girls and you will continue to do whatever it takes for your girls. and because you will do anything for your girls, as a mother, you took the pain away that Alexis was feeling and you are bearing her pain so that she doesn't have to bear it anymore. She is pain free now. "

Lynne thanking you for being my guding angel on earth through my deepest times..





In 24 hours..

Hey blogging friends.. it's 2:26 am and it's hard to sleep knowing at this time last year, i was laying in a hospital bed upside down trying to prevent me from going into labor.. Scott was freezing in the corner of the room as I layed hot from the leg compressor thinsg on my feet, and i guess it didnt help that he was right under the air and i was around the corner. (the vent was in a odd position) I had both of my girls nestled still in my stomach not knowing what all was to come 24 plus hours later..
It's been quite the year. Its hard not to have so much emotion as my girls turning 1 is jus tnot  any ordinary  turning 1.. having preemies to me and having one as a Angel above, to me it means soo much more.
I want to shower with such joy and excitement that Mackenzie has overcomed so many odds and has kicked butt over all the obstacles she has had, I want to sing at the top of my lungs all the joy she has brought into our lives and everyone else lives, I want to give all the people who have been by our sides and have done nothing but show us such support and has given us such a backbone at strength when we need it a hug.. I want the shady cloud of grey to wash from all this but in reality I know it wont. As we have so much to celebrate in 24 hours, it's hard to let go of the hurt that our Angel Alexis is not with us to do all of this. My tears are not just of happiness but they are still also of pain.We've all come so far and it's still really hard to get pass the fact that although we get to celebrate  life today at their party and tomorrow for their true birthday, in just 18 days, we have to relive and mourn the loss..
Today we are going to celebrate our girls life and of course you guys know I had to go big.. How could I not considering how big they came into this world and how big of impact that have made on so many lives. Scott laughs at me because yes, I even have a dj for the girls party tonight. With all my party decor, I not just going to celebrate Mackenzie today but we are going to celebrate our Angel Alexis today. Although she is not physicaly here with us I know she will always be looking down over us.
So heres to our girls.. You diva's mean the world to me and there is nothing i would never do for you guys (or I guess i will see what happens in the teenage years)... You girls are my world, my rock and my heart.. Happy Pre-Day Birthday!!!