To another year..

I'm sure as most parents cherish every milestone and every annivesary to things, i truly believe though that a preemie's parent/nicu parent, milestones and annivesaries take on a whole new meaning. It shines a different kind of light than a "normal" birth/child/milestone.. The way you remember things from each day to each milestone, just in a instant can take you back to the beginning days where every second of every day you were thankful for as that represented another second your child breathe and another second that passed closer to hours to days of taking your baby(ies) home. One less second of monitors beeping, one less second of worry and the feeling of being scared, one second of a miracle..

Today believe it or not, which it took me a bit when i first woke this morning for it to actually hit.. but believe it or not, today marked the 1 year annivesary of when we got to bring our girls HOME.. It's been a full year that Mackenzie has been out of the nicu and Alexis's phyiscal memories close by for us to see everyday. When Alexis's gained her wings, the nurses put all of her things in a baby girl box for us and it stayed in the closet in Mackenzie's room. I didnt want to bring it home as for me it felt like i was only bringing one baby girl home when i needed to bring them both home at the same time. I really couldn't even bear to look to see what all was in it.. It was very hard.. I think i only went through it once or twice and it was close around Alexis's funeral and that was the only time I could watch her tribute video as well. I only had the strength to do so around Mackenzie.

A year ago today, Scott and I woke up, very tired because we had to do our 24 hour stay that week end before and just didnt get much sleep. We go to the hospital and we waited.. We started packing all of Mackenzie's belongings and we really didnt realize how much we had till we started packing everything up. It felt like forever.. We had to get all the paperwork done, we had to get cleared with the oxygen tank people.. We thougth we were gonna get to go home that morning and then that mornign turned into that afternoon.. Hospital policy was either they could roll your baby out in the "crib" thing or you could carry your baby out but you had to be in a wheel chair.. For me this was such a bittersweet moment. The moment new moms are so excited about holding their newborn babies and getting wheeled out of the hospital with all the balloons and flowers.. i had this moment 108 after my girls birth and I did get to carry my girls out just in a different way and also what felt like the whole house packed with me..

 

 

Our first stop of course was for Mackenzie to visit her sister and then on to her real home.. We got home and Scott and I looked at each other in shock, amazement, saddness, scared all in what.. It was kind of like that "now what, omg" feeling.. We got Mackenzie all hooked up to her oxygen, pulse ox and apena monitor and then we just sat there. First night of sleep didnt really happen. We were so use to the nurses always being there and doing her every 3 hour feeds.. Now it was just us.

 

A year later and it's just us.. It's been amazing how far we have come.. Every day has brought a new challenge that pumpkin just surpassess and everyday i still look at her and cant believe she is ours.. We went from 7 doctors to 2 doctors, the only machine ever next to her that makes noises is her ipad. She is crawling all over the place. Instead of 2 oz bottles we are 8 oz bottles. Scott and I are still and probably will forever be figuring out how to be parents. We both sleep through the night for the most part.. Before it was the worry sleep, well after the first few days.. Then we became too dependant on the machines. We knew if something was wrong, one of them was going off..  She is eating table food now and also has teeth (which i found out by her biting me) We get to take her all over the place now instead of secluding/confining ourselves to the bedroom..She babbles all the time now.. ( i think she gets that from daddy.. heeheh) She has the fattest little thighs and she is wearing size 9 month clothes compared to preemie clothes.. The only thing connected to her similar to wire wise is her paci..She puts her hands up like she is telling you no, giggles at everything.. She is evening beginning to kind of wave like.. She pulls up at everything and i love it when she crawls up to my feet and pulls up and hangs on to my legs from there..

Today we went to see Dr. Moore, my ob, as we have not see him since my 6 week follow up after giving birth and he never got the chance to see the girls in the hospital as he wasn't there for the delievery but he's been with us from day one of trying to concieve so that as just a added bonus and the look on his face.. it was quite apparent of how far we have come and how happy he was to how far we have come and overcomed.  To the year and the next 100 more to come..

 

 

Our Diva in just one year..



 

 

 



A different Halloween

Its still so hard to look back and see that it was only last year we were spending Halloween in the NICU and sorting through candy that people had brought us and also the big bag we brought up for the NICU nurse. To us it was still just another night spent in the NICU while the outside world was having fun, living their lives.  I scrambled to find something to fit Pumpkin as we e finally got to put clothes on her so of course i had to dress her up..I knew i wanted her to be a pumpkin only because of how fitting it was but i also wanted something for daddy as well and i knew if we were to ever have a girl, a Duke cheerleading outfit is a must.. So I scoured the internet trying to find stuff small enough and found that people with preemies also used Build-a-bear outfits.. I was like no way.. But of course.. it fit our little pumpkin.
I couldn't believe when i saw the little cheer outfit, that was the closes to Duke blue that i could find but it was perfect then Auntie Katie found her the perfect little pumpkin outfit..  She loved the pumpkin oufit.. she layed in it for quite some time actually..

This year, she got to be batgirl. I wanted to think of something different but also something that related to daddy.. For those that dont know, Scott's SWAT Team logo is the batman symbol, so I thought, how fitting she could be "batgirl".. :0)  (and also cause the wives of the swat team are named "operatorettes" since the boys are "operators" so we have batgirl shirts as well- so she also got to be my little mini me..hehe)This year we were quite busy with Halloween stuff but pumpkin didnt get to go trick or treating quite yet because she was actually sick. We had to do trail of treats before and the weather was just completely horrible so needless to say she caught a little cold, but we stayed home and handed out candy which she seemed to enjoy looking out the glass door..

I know my little pumpkin has come so far and watching her everyday never seems to amazing me.. but when i put pictures together, it still brings such tears to my eyes.. It melts me in so many ways it's just indescribable.  So for those who have followed our journey from the beginning, I hope you enjoy this picture as much and it melts you the way it did me..